


The Soul the Devil Desires

by TheGirlyDJ



Series: The Pirate Exorcist [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: A Lot of Death, Character Death, Demons, Devils, Don't read this if you find swearing or implied sex offensive, Don't say I didn't warn you, Explicit Language, I tag as I write, Implied Sexual Content, Luffy Being Luffy, Luffy No, Multi, Multiple times, OC doesn't give a shit, OC is so done with your shit Luffy, Oblivious Monkey D. Luffy, Of the same person, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Stop - Freeform, Swearing, This is not how you do Relationships, You Have Been Warned, You’re lucky she doesn’t give a shit, it's complicated - Freeform, lot's of swearing, references to other media, seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:34:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23670160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGirlyDJ/pseuds/TheGirlyDJ
Summary: What the fuck is 'er life?First the Devil decides that she 'ates 'er, then she's labeled as crazy by the entire world and now she's the First Mate o' a Pirate crew ran by the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. What's next, gettin' swallowed by a whale?OH COME ON!Gwyneth Constantine didn’t know how she ended up following this crazy straw-hatted bastard around, but at least she could safely say she wasn’t bored. Nor would she ever be.Ever again.
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy & Original Female Character(s), Monkey D. Luffy/Original Female Character(s), Mugiwara Kaizoku | Strawhat Pirates & Original Female Character(s), Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Roronoa Zoro/Vinsmoke Sanji
Series: The Pirate Exorcist [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729705
Comments: 163
Kudos: 311
Collections: A Collection of Beloved Inserts, Amazing OFC fanfiction





	1. Who's this swearing lady?

“The fuck is this?”

Luffy blinked, turning his head away from the group in front of him to look behind him at the one who had spoken.

His eyes started sparkling.

It was a woman, a really tall woman, maybe taller than Ace, with really pretty hair that was really red and was cut short. She was wearing a royal purple dress shirt that was halfway unbuttoned and showed off her boobs and a black tie, with a black trench coat that went to her knees thrown over it. Her legs were covered by a pair of black slacks, her feet by tough looking black boots.

Her clothes, combined with the black eye patch covering her left eye and the cigarette hanging from her mouth, as well as the way she was just nonchalantly standing there with her hands in her pockets as she smoked, made her look like a total badass.

He had to have her on his crew.

“Mind your own business woman!” one of the grunts yells at her, making her raise an eyebrow. She looked really bored.

“Hey!” he exclaimed, drawing the woman’s pretty pale blue eye to him. “Join my crew!”

“Fuck no,” she said bluntly, still looking bored. He pouted.

“Why not!?” he whined, the woman’s eyebrow twitching.

“The ‘ell do you even want me on your crew for, fuckface?” she asked, crossing her arms under her chest as she glared at him. “You’ve known I existed for all o’ thirty seconds.”

“You look cool,” he told her bluntly, grinning. “And I’m gonna be King of the Pirates, so you can’t say no.”

“The fuck kinda logic is that, you piece o’ shit!?” she snapped angrily. “I ain’t a Pirate, so future King or not, I ain’t gotta do _jack shit!”_

“Doesn’t matter,” he said, sticking his pinky up his nose. “I’ve decided you’re gonna be on my crew.” he shot her a grin. “Besides, it’ll be fun! ShiShiShiShi!”

She stared at him blankly, before snorting and turning to lean against the railing of the ship. “Alright, future Pirate King,” she drawled, crossing her arms and jerking her head towards the grunts that had, thus far, been staring at the two of them in disbelief. “Beat those cunts, and we’ll talk.”

He grinned and did just that, beating the grunts and their Captain, the really fat woman that Coby said he would capture as part of his dream.

He turned to the woman as Coby walked to stand next to him, grinning at her vaguely surprised expression. “ShiShiShiShi! Now you’ve gotta join my crew.”

“I said we’d talk, dipshit,” she shot him down, pushing herself away from the railing to stand in front of him, forcing him to crane his neck to look her in the eye. “I said nothin’ ‘bout joinin’ you.”

He heard Coby choke behind him, turning his head to look at him curiously, finding him staring at the woman with wide, terrified eyes.

“Y-Y-Y-Y-You,” the kid stammered out, the terror in his eyes growing when the woman frowned at him.

“Spit it out, brat, I ain’t got all day,” she snapped at him, making him squeak.

“Y-You, you’re Gwyneth Constantine!” the pink haired boy shrieked and Luffy tilted his head, wondering why that was important.

“What o’ it, fucker?” she grunted, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, glaring down at the boy with her lone eye.

“L-Luffy-san, you don’t want her on your crew, trust me!” Coby told him, making him look at him in confusion.

“Eh? Why not?” he asked.

“Yeah, dipshit,” the woman sneered, the expression twisting her pretty features. “Why not?”

“B-Because she’s delusional!” he yelled, desperate for the Pirate to understand. “She claims to have killed demons and ghosts and-“

“REALLY?!” he screamed, turning to the woman with stars in his eyes. “That’s so cool! Now you have to join my crew!”

“The fuck?” she blurted out as Coby shrieked at him. “Didn’t you ‘ear what ‘e just said? I’m delusional, I’m crazy, I wouldn’t fit on a Pirate ship.”

“Are you?” he asked bluntly, watching her blink at him in confusion.

“Am I what, shit’ead?” she grumbled, blowing out some smoke.

“Crazy,” he said, noticing the way her jaw clenched at the term. “Are you crazy or have you really done those things?”

“Does it matter?” she grunted. “It’s not like you’re gonna believe me either way.”

“Try me,” he challenged, looking her directly in the eye.

She stared at him for a time, so long that her cigarette burnt out and she had to light another, before she sighed and shook her head.

“No, I’m not crazy,” she finally answered, bringing the cigarette to her lips and taking a drag. “Demons, ghosts, Devils, Ghouls, all o’ them, they all exist and somebody ‘as to fight them. That somebody just so ‘appens t’ be me.”

“Alright,” he nodded, ignoring Coby’s sputtered denials behind him. “Join my crew, then. Having someone who can fight demons on it would be _awesome.”_

She snorted, giving him a small smirk. “What’s your name, dipshit?”

“I’m Monkey D. Luffy!” he told her, placing a hand on his Hat and grinning wildly. “I’m gonna be the King of the Pirates!”

“A D. huh? Shoulda known a shit’ead like you’d be a fuckin’ D.” she grumbled, one hand in her pocket, the other holding the cigarette to her lips. “Alright then shit’ead, I’m Gwyneth Constantine, and I’m an Exorcist. Guess I’m a Pirate now too.”

“Awesome!” he exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air and laughing. “I got a First Mate!”

“You’re tellin’ me I’m the first t’ join this shit show?” the woman asked incredulously, just as a cannon ball hit the water next to the ship.

“Oops, time to go,” he said, grabbing Coby and stretching to grab his First Mate as well, ignoring the violent curses she screamed at him as he ran to a lifeboat and flung them on, quickly getting them out to sea with a lot of help from Coby.

“The fuck shit’ead, you coulda warned me!” his new First Mate snarled, flicking her spent cigarette into the ocean as she glared at him.

“ShiShiShiShi,” he laughed, putting his hands behind his head. “Sorry!”

“Don’t say shit you don’t mean, fuckface,” she grumbled, rubbing her forehead. “Ate a Devil Fruit, did ya?”

“Yeah, I ate the Gum-Gum Fruit,” he answered easily. “I’m a Rubber Man.”

“‘Course you are,” she sighed. “Where are we even goin’?”

“Don’t know,” he turned to Coby, who was still looking terrified of the woman. “Where are we going Coby?”

“Eh?” the kid shook his head before answering him. “The closest town is Shells Town, but it has a Marine base, so I guess we’re going to go somewhere else.”

“Eh~? Why? Your dream is to be a Marine, right?” he gave him a grin. “So, we go there so you can join. Simple, right?”

“Luffy-san…” Coby looked close to tears. “Thank you! Yes, I’ll set the course.”

“A Marine, huh?” she rumbled, making Coby squeak and look at her. “‘Ope you’re gonna be one o’ the good ones.”

“The good ones?”

“Yeah,” she huffed, giving him a look. “Don’t tell me you think all Marines are good?”

“Of course they are!” Coby yelled hotly, his fear of her forgotten in defense of his dream. “All Marines help those that need it, they-!”

 _“Bullshit,”_ she hissed, glaring at the kid. “You seriously believe that? The world is full o’ shit’eads, bastards and whores ‘o don’t give a _shit_ ‘bout the rest o’ us, they just want t’ feel powerful, t’ ‘ave an excuse for actin’ the way they do. There are good Marines and there are dick’ead Marines and that’s ‘ow it’s always gonna be. _Deal with it fuckface.”_

Coby gaped at her as she took out another cigarette and lit it, taking a deep drag.

“Do you have a dream Constant-tin?” Luffy asked, curious about his First Mate.

“If you can’t pronounce my name, call me Gwen,” she told him bluntly, removing the cigarette from her lips. “And ask me again once ‘e’s gone.” she jerked her head towards Coby.

“Okay,” he agreed, ignoring Coby’s yell of; “WHY THE HELL CAN’T I KNOW?!” in favour of asking his First Mate more questions.

It went something like this;

“How old are you?”

“Twenty,”

“What’s your favourite colour?”

“Purple,”

“Do Demons poop?”

“‘Ow the fuck should I know dipshit? I just shot them, I don’t stay t’ watch them take a shit,”

“Do ghosts poop?”

“No,”

“Do Ghouls?”

“No,”

“Do Devils?”

_“No,”_

He laughed at her annoyed tone, grinning at her glare. “How do you kill them?”

“By shootin’ them with bullets coated in ‘Oly Oil,”

“What’s that?”

“Oil that’s been blessed by a Priest. Or me, works either way so long as you know the words,”

“You’re a Priest?”

“I just told you I wasn’t, dipshit. It’s got more power if it’s a man o’ faith ‘o blesses it, but that don’t mean it doesn’t work if I do it,”

“Can you bless other things?”

“You can bless anythin’,”

“Poop too?”

_“The fuck is your obsession with shit you stupid bastard son o’ a whore?!”_

“We’re almost there,” Coby cut in over Luffy’s ‘ShiShiShiShi’ing, hoping to defuse the situation before the Exorcist decided to shot the Pirate. “You should know Luffy, they say Roronoa Zoro has been captured and is being held in this Marine base.”

“So he’s a weakling then?” he asked, disappointed.

“No way!” Coby shouted, looking at him with wide eyes. “He’s as violent as a demon and three times as horrifying!”

“I doubt that,” Gwen drawled, smirking like she knew something he didn’t before turning to Luffy. “Why’re you askin’ anyway?”

“I figured if he’s a good guy I’d ask him to join the crew,” he explained, giving her a grin. “What do you think?”

“You’re the Captain,” she replied. “It ain’t my job t’ decide things like that.”

“Guess not,” he mused, before shrugging. “But you’re the First Mate, so I want you to like them too.”

She snorted, falling silent for the rest of the way to the island.

Once Coby had secured the boat to the dock Luffy scrambled out, Gwen following behind at a more sedated pace, her single eye scanning their surroundings as she walked with her hands in her pockets. They walked for a bit until they reached what seemed like a market, with stalls selling all sorts of wares.

Gwen perked up when she saw one of them, making a beeline to it with Luffy following behind curiously, Coby reluctantly.

“What kind o’ ink is this?” she asked the owner, grabbing a bottle of the black liquid and holding it against the light, studying it.

“Squid ink,” the stall owner told her, watching her study the ink with an approving look. “I was lucky enough to get a chance to buy it from some sailors coming back from the Grand Line.”

“And the chalk?” she questioned, setting the bottle back down and pointing at the cluster of chalk sticks inside the stall.

“Also from the Grand Line,” he answered promptly, turning to pull out a box and hand it to her, continuing to talk as she opened it to study the contents. “It’s made by the natives of an island in the second half. It’s waterproof, same as the ink, which will never dry when inside the bottle, and needs a special formula to remove.”

“Do you ‘ave that?” she closed the box and put it next to the bottle, reaching behind her into her coat, pulling it away and exposing the _massive_ white gun resting on her right hip as she put her hand in a pouch hanging against the small of her back.

The owner saw the gun as well, paling slightly, but answered her question anyway as she pulled out her wallet. “Yes, I do, along with some chalk holders and ink pens. Would you like to buy some?"

“I use brushes when I work with ink,” she told him, picking up one more bottle and setting it next to the other, along with some coloured powder. “But some chalk ‘olders would be nice, mine are on their last leg. ‘Ow much for two and all this?” the owner rattled off a price and she payed, Luffy watching the owner carefully put it all in a bag curiously.

“What do you need all that stuff for Gwen?” he asked as they walked away from the stall, his First Mate looking very pleased with her purchase.

“Devil Traps and Magic Circles,” she answered, paying no attention to the way the two boys with her gaped as she put the bag in the small pouch, the bag impossibly fitting inside without a problem. “Gettin’ good materials for things like that ain’t easy, ‘specially at such a low prices. It’s why I gave ‘im a bit more.” he had noticed that, the owner almost bursting into tears when Gwen told him to keep the change.

“Oh, cool,” he nodded, stopping at a stall that sold apples and grabbing one. “Will you show me?”

“As long as you’re quiet,” she said easily, once again scanning their surroundings. “It ain’t the kind o’ thin’ you can do with a racket in the background.”

“Alright,” he agreed, flicking a coin at the owner. “Hey, where do you think they’re keeping Zoro?”

Ignoring the way everyone around them jumped at the name, Gwen answered. “Prolly in the base, that’s where criminals are usually kept. Ain’t that right, brat?” she eyed Coby, who jumped at being addressed.

“A-Ah, right!” he laughed nervously. 

“Then let’s check it out,” Luffy decided, turning to Coby. “Then you can ask to join while we’re there! You want to be a Marine, right?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think I’m ready yet,” the kid said nervously, scratching the back of his head. “From what I’ve heard, the man in charge of this base is called Captain Morgan.”

The Exorcist raised an eyebrow when the people around them jumped even higher when they heard the Marine Captain’s name then they had when they heard Zoro’s, looking a little confused. “Me thinks they ain’t fond o’ the ol’ Captain, shit’ead,” she told the Rubber Man, who got into a thinking pose, frowning as he walked. “Why not?” he asked eventually, unable to come up with a reason on his own.

“‘E’s prolly a dick’ead,” she said bluntly, turning to the pink haired boy. “Told you there were dick’ead Marines.”

Coby opened his mouth to protest but didn’t get far, his attention instead drawn to the heavy gates they had stopped in front of.

“This is it!” he said happily, outrage forgotten at the sight. “I’m sorry Luffy-san, but this is where we part ways-”

“Where’s the foot holes?” Luffy asked Gwen, the two of them having moved away from Coby to stand next to the wall, the Captain looking for a way up.

“‘Ow the fuck should I know that shit’ead?” she grumbled, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. “Not like I've been ‘ere before.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Coby screamed at them, making the woman glare as the teen finally found a way up the wall and started climbing. “EVEN IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR ZORO IT’S NOT LIKE THEY’RE JUST GONNA HAVE HIM TIED UP IN THE COURTYA-!”

“Found him!” Luffy cheerfully interrupted, now looking over the top of the wall.

The Exorcist shot the boy a look that said ‘You were sayin’?’ before she jumped up to join the teen with a single leap, making Coby gape.

The two Pirates got comfortable as they stared down at the man tied up in the courtyard.

Well muscled, skin tanned, pale green hair hidden by a dark green bandana, wearing a white T-shirt and a green haramaki, with black pants and boots covering the lower half of his body, the imposing figure of Roronoa Zoro looked every bit the Demon people claimed him to be, even tied up and exhausted as he clearly was. At least, to Luffy he did.

Hmmmmm…

“Hey Gwen,” his First Mate hummed around her cigarette, turning her head to look at him, since her left eye was covered by the eye patch. “Does he look like a Demon?"

“No,” she said, turning back to look at the guy, putting her elbow on the top of the wall so she could pull her cigarette out of her mouth after taking a deep drag. “Demons don’t ‘ave a physical body, mostly possessin’ corpses and the like because humans are stubborn bastards and are ‘ard t’ control unless you’re a ‘igh rankin’ Demon. Ugliest fuckers you’ll ever see.” she took another drag. “Satisfyin’ as shit t’ shot though. Almost as good as a ‘ard fuck.”

“How can a word be hard?” he asked, confused, but didn’t get the (Obvious, if Gwen face was anything to go by) answer, the guy in the courtyard interrupting them.

“Oi, you three,” his voice was rough, like he hadn’t talked in days, and he lifted his head slightly to look at them, his eyes shadowed by his bandana. “You’re an eyesore. Get lost.”

“You ain’t exactly a picture o’ beauty either, cunt,” Gwen told him bluntly, smirking at the glare she got. “What? Did I ‘it a nerve?”

“Tch,” the guy scoffed, turning his head away. “Whatever.”

Gwen opened her mouth, no doubt to insult him some more, but she got interrupted by a ladder hitting the wall next to her, making her look down in surprise as a little girl climbed up it.

“Trust me Luffy-san, there’s no way you’ll survive with someone like him on your crew,” Coby told the Pirate, only to stop when the little girl reached around the Exorcist with a quiet “Excuse me,” to poke the pink haired boy, putting a finger to her lips when he turned around and saying “Shh!” before jumping down into the courtyard, a cloth bundle clutched to her chest.

They watched her pull two rice balls from the bundle and hold them up to Zoro, Gwen putting a hand over Coby’s mouth when she finally got sick of his whining. The bounty hunter rejected them, yelling at the little girl to leave, before a guy with a stupid hairstyle and a purple suit walked up to him, stole one of the rice balls, spat it out because it was sweet instead of salty and then order a Marine to throw her over the wall.

It was here that Gwen huffed, put out her cigarette against the stone wall and jumped down into the courtyard, drawing the eyes of the group.

“Now what’s all this then, lads?” she drawled, walking towards them with lazy steps that didn’t take anything away from the fluid grace she exuded.

She came to a stop over the girl, crouching down and giving her a small smile. “Let's get you back t’ your Ma, kid,” she said, voice soothing.

“Now see here!” the purple clad blonde sputtered indignantly, making the woman glance up at him with a bored eye. “You can’t do that!”

“Oh?” she raised an eyebrow as she came out of her crouch, fishing out a cigarette and lighting it, before shoving her hands in the pockets of her pants instead of her coat, leaning back slightly. “And why not?”

He didn’t answer right away, because the way she was standing both pushed out her chest and pulled back her coat, showing off the two _massive_ handguns strapped to either side of her hips, the right coloured white, the left black. They were clearly custom, a design entirely unlike the guns of the Marines, square instead of round and at least twice as big as the woman’s hands.

The guns drew the eyes of the Marines and Zoro, while the blonde guy with the stupid hair focused on her exposed chest, her tie settled in between her breasts. 

“B-Because,” he stammered, eyes still glued to her chest as she gave him an unimpressed look. “I’m Captain Morgan’s son! You have to listen to me!”

“And I’m Gwyneth Constantine,” she drawled, making the Marines that knew who she was pale. “I ain’t gotta listen t’ anyone other than my Captain.” she pulled out her cigarette, looking down at the little girl again. “Come on luv, time t’ get you ‘ome.”

The girl nodded shyly, grabbing the extended hand and letting the older female lead her towards the gates, turning slightly to wave sadly at Zoro.

“GET BACK HERE!” the blonde screamed, before one of the Marines with him grabbed his arm and pulled him behind him when the Exorcist turned her head to glare at them.

“Don’t, Helmeppo-sama,” the man said quietly, just loud enough for Luffy and Coby to hear. “That woman is dangerous, unstable. She needs professional help, but she’s too skilled to be captured by the right people and she hasn’t done anything to warrant Marines being sent after her. Don’t be the reason that changes.”

As the blonde paled at the unspoken implication, Luffy shook with quiet rage at the way they talked about his First Mate and Coby was conflicted. On one hand, he didn’t believe in ghosts and demons, but on the other, he had gotten to know Gwen somewhat and she didn’t seem like the type to lie about something so absurd.

In the end, as they climbed down from the wall to join the girl and Gwen, he decided to wait and see. If there really were Demons and ghosts, then at least he knew that there was somebody out there who knew how to fight them. If not, then he would keep his opinions to himself around Gwen and sleep easier at night.

They took the girl, Rika, to her home, which happened to be a restaurant, to the delight of Luffy, and quickly got served some food by her grateful mother as the girl told them how Zoro ended up tied to that post.

Gwen shot the boy a look that clearly said ‘I told you so,’ when Rika explained how Captain Morgan was basically holding the entire island hostage with his outrages taxes. And then the stupid blonde walked into the restaurant and started bragging about how he was going to execute the swordsman the next day.

Not if Luffy had anything to say about it.

He broke the guy’s nose and turned to Gwen after the idiot had run out, his First Mate calmly smoking as she stared at him.

“I’ve decided,” he told her, watching her raise an eyebrow. “Zoro’s joining the crew.”

“Aye aye, Captain,” she drawled, letting the cigarette hang in her mouth as she stood up. “Go a’ead, I’ll get some food for the poor bastard. ‘E’s gotta be starvin’.”

He nodded and turned on his heel as his First Mate went to Ririka, Rika’s mother, and asked for some food.

He had a swordsman to recruit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, I’ve started a new story. Probably not the best idea in the world but hey, right now, there isn’t much else to do.
> 
> As many of you have probably noticed, Gwyneth is based heavily on John Constantine from DC. They act similar, dress similar and I imagine them having a similar accent as well. 
> 
> John Constantine has always been my favourite character from DC. I love his personality and his skill set, plus his design and his backstory is also appealing.
> 
> I came up with the character of Gwyneth not long ago and I just had to write about her, but I just couldn’t figure out how to write her into the DCAU (The DC Animated Universe, for those that don’t know) even if I had a headcanon, so I wrote her into One Piece instead.
> 
> If anyone is interested, I'll post the headcanon I have for Gwyneth in the DCAU in the next chapter’s endnotes.
> 
> See Ya - TheGirlyDJ.


	2. The Swordsman Joins!

“Ain’t you a sorry sight,”

He twitched, lifting his head to look at the tall redhead that had been with the straw hat kid, her single eye staring at him with amusement as she gnawed on her cigarette.

“First that kid, now you,” he grumbled, shifting in his bonds. “Am I cursed or something?”

The woman snorted, lifting the bag she had with her off her shoulder and opening it to rummage through it, pulling out a water canteen. “Cursed with luck, maybe,” she quipped, bringing the canteen to his lips. “Drink.”

He considered telling her to fuck off, but his screaming throat won out and he greedily gulped down the water, letting it sooth his thirst. When it was empty the woman pulled it back and pulled some food from the bag, feeding it to him with a bored expression, showing neither pity nor sympathy.

“Need more?” she asked when he was done, making him shake his head. “Alright then. What did the shit’ead do?”

“He came, told me I was joining his crew, then left to find my swords when I told him no,” he told he, figuring she meant the straw hat kid. “I take it you’re on that crew?”

“Yeah,” she grunted, putting the bag on the ground and taking a drag of the cancer stick. “I’m Gwyneth Constantine, in case you didn’t ‘ear me earlier, and I’m the shit’ead’s First Mate.”

“They say you’re crazy,” he said, as if she didn’t already know. She snorted.

“And they say you’re a Demon,” she shot back, putting her hands in her pant pockets and once again showing the guns strapped to her hips. “People say a lot o’ things. That don’t mean all o’ it’s true.”

“Fair enough,” he conceded, looking to the guns. “I’ve never seen pistols that looked like _that_ before.”

“I made them myself,” she drawled, clearly proud of her weapons as she pulled the black one out and held it out for him to see. “Killin’ Demons ain’t easy, so I needed somethin’ with a bit more kick t’ it then the ones that you can buy in the store.”

“Demons, huh?” he mused, studying the weapon. Black with a gold trigger and brown grip, three times as big as her hand, square instead of round, just like he remembered. “Didn’t know they were real.”

“That’s what most people in the East Blue would say ‘bout Devil Fruits, but anyone ‘ho ‘as sailed the Grand Line can tell you different,” she told him, holstering the gun on her left hip. “It’s just a matter o’ perspective.”

“Guess so,” his eyes flickered between the twin pistols. “Do they have names?”

“Ebony,” she patted the black gun before pointing to the white one. “Ivory.”

“Simple,” he grunted, giving her a smirk. “I like it.”

She smirked right back, opening her mouth before pausing, turning to look behind her, where a kid with pink hair was running towards them.

“The ‘ell are you doin’ ‘ere, brat?” she demanded harshly, making the kid flinch before he visibly gathered himself and looked up at her with defyance. She raised an eyebrow.

“I know I’m not as strong as you or Luffy-san,” the kid began, hands curling into fists. “But I’m going to be a Marine and that means I can’t ignore injustice when it’s happening right in front of me!”

“That’s nice,” she drawled, taking a drag of smoke. “But will you keep that attitude when it’s your superiors ‘o’s doin’ it?” he raised an eyebrow at the cruel but true words, watching her ignore the kid’s flinch and take another drag. “You’re gonna be workin’ under some real shit’eads when you join and it ain’t gonna be easy, but if you keep your ‘ead on your shoulders and wait until you can actually _do_ somethin’ ‘bout what you think is wrong, then I guess you’ll survive.” she eyed him out of the corner of her eye. “‘Course, you can always fuck it up, in which case see you when you die, fucktard.”

Zoro couldn’t help it. He snorted, because that’s one hell of a way to end a speech like that.

The kid seemed to think so too, staring at the woman in awe during the first half, but face planting at the ending.

“Anyway,” the woman continued, as if she hadn’t just made someone’s face meet the ground. “Let’s get you out o’ those ropes, you poor bastard.”

“Wait what?” he blurted out, shocked. “I can’t, I’ve got ten days left-!”

“The purple cunt says ‘e’s goin’ t’ execute you t’morrow,” she said bluntly. “Now I know a douche when I see ‘im, so trust me, ‘e’s gonna do it and damn well enjoy it.”

“That little-!” he hissed, hands curling into fists in his anger. “He fucking _swore-!”_

“‘E don’t give a fuck,” she interrupted, bulldozing over him without a care in the world. “Now let’s get you ou- Oh fuck it all t’ ‘ell.”

The woman frowned at the Marines that were standing off to the side, clearly annoyed with them.

“End of the line,” the tall man behind the line of Marines said gruffly, his jaw covered by a metal cigar holder and his right hand replaced by an axe. “For the crime of treason against me, I sentence you to die where you stand!”

“Oh _fuck off,_ you cunt-fuckin’, arse-munchin’ son o’ a whore!” the insult made him choke and stare at the woman in disbelief as she continued going off on the man, who was also staring at her like she had just sprouted a second head. “You’re just a right fuckin’ cunt aren’t ya?! You think I’m gonna listen t’ a guy so insecure ‘bout the size o’ ‘is dick that ‘e replaced ‘is ‘and with a fuckin’ _axe?!_ Or is it because you’ve got a thin’ for blades and no woman wanted t’ go near you, so you decided it’d be the next best thin’? And by God’s tits-” he choked again, because _holy shit could this woman swear._ “-stop lookin’ like I ate your dog or somethin’ fucker! Get your ‘ead outta your arse and maybe replace it with that ‘and o’ yours!”

“Kill her!” seems the guy’s anger finally overcame his shock as he ordered his stupefied men to attack. “Insulting me is a crime, kill her right now!”

“I don’t give a rat’s arse you donkey-fuckin’ arse’ole!” holy hell, he might just join this insane crew if the First Mate was going to insult everyone they fought like this. “I ain’t from ‘ere, so those laws o’ yours mean _jack shit_ t’ me.” she gave him a savage grin as she threw her coat back, grabbing a hold of the two guns at her hips and pulling them out swiftly, pointing the white one directly at the group as the black one was leaned against her left shoulder. “But go a’ead,” she purred, staring down the barrel of the gun with a cocky smirk and that got a very different kind of choke out of him because _that was way too hot and damn it, why did he have a thing for dangerous people!?_ “Let's see ‘o can shot first.”

The Marines froze, staring at the giant guns in a bizarre mix of curious and mildly terrified, because on one hand, they had never seen anything like it. 

On the other, there was _a giant gun being pointed at them._

“What are you waiting for!?” their Captain roared, evidently not caring about the gun being pointed at him. “Shot them!”

Apparently, their fear of their Captain overshadowed their fear of giant guns, because the Marines aimed their guns at the three of them and fired without pause.

Gwyneth’s eye flashed, but before she could pull the trigger on her own weapon, the sound of breaking glass filled the courtyard and there was suddenly a body in the way of the bullets, a familiar straw hat preached on his head.

“Fuckin’ _‘ell_ shit’ead!” Gwyneth roared at her Captain, Zoro watching in disbelief as the guy’s skin stretched where the bullets hit, before shooting back at the Marines when the guy straightened from his hunched position.

“ShiShiShiShi!” the guy laughed, like he hadn’t just used himself as a human shield, turning around to grin at his First Mate. “Sorry Gwen, didn’t mean to scare you!”

“It’ll take a lot more than a guy jumpin’ in front o’ a rain o’ bullets t’ scare me, shit’ead,” she snarked, shoving the white gun in her Captain’s face, making him go crosseyed to look at it. “But I was ‘bout t’ shoot them and this thin’ don’t care if you’ve got a Devil Fruit or not!”

“Eh?” he guy voiced, uncrossing his eyes to look at her in confusion. “What does that mean?”

“It means that I would ‘ave shot you, shit’ead! As in, the bullet would ‘ave ‘it you and it would ‘ave gone straight through you!”

“EH!?” the idiot exclaimed, his eyes widening comically. “THEN WHY ARE YOU POINTING IT AT ME!?”

“SO I CAN DAMN WELL THREATEN YOU WITH IT SHIT’EAD!”

“NOW ISN’T THE TIME FOR THIS!” Zoro roared, because really, this was ridiculous! They were about to be killed by Marines and they were fighting?! “GET ME OUT OF THESE ROPES!”

“Ah, right!” the kid yelped, running up to him and holding out his swords, like he could just pull his arms out of the ropes and grab them. “Sorry, I didn’t know which was yours so I just grabbed all three.”

“They’re all mine,” he told him. “I use Santoryu, three sword style.”

“Woah,” the kid breathed, while Gwyneth raised an eyebrow. “That’s so cool!”

“Yeah, yeah, just give them to me!” he didn’t think those Marines were going to stay stupefied for long.

“Nope,” the guy said, giving him a cheeky grin. “Not before you join my crew!”

“WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!” this fucking kid!

“I’m Monkey D. Luffy, and I’m the one who’s gonna be King of the Pirates!” the kid told him cheerfully, Gwyneth heaving a big sigh and lighting a cigarette, likely desperate for some nicotine.

“King of the Pirates?” he parroted, shocked. “Do you even know what that means!?”

“King of the Pirates means King of the Pirates,” he said, puzzled. “What else would it mean?”

Gwyneth apparently found his expression amusing, because she snorted. “Yeah, ‘e’s a right stupid cunt, but ‘e ain’t so bad,” she shrugged, giving him a crooked grin. “Can’t ask for more then that.”

“What’s it gonna be then?” the kid asked, shaking the swords slightly. “Are you gonna die here or are you gonna join me?”

He stared at him, at this kid who claimed to be the next Pirate King, before he threw his head back and laughed.

“You’re the son of the devil!” he told him, making Gwyneth snort and right, Demons were apparently real, why wouldn’t the Devil be? “Fine! I’ll join your crew! Better to live as a Pirate then to die here!”

“Alright!” he cheered, throwing the hand not holding the swords in the air. “New Nakama!”

“Celebrate later shit’ead!” Gwyneth snapped, once again facing the Marines, her white gun, Ivory, it was called Ivory, pointing at the ground in front of them. “We got other things t’ worry ‘bout right now!”

“Right!” his new Captain exclaimed, focusing on untying the ropes.

“You idiots!” the Marine Captain roared, his men flinching at his anger. “If guns won’t work then use swords!”

“‘Ow’re you doin’ with those ropes Captain?” Gwyneth asked, staring calmly at the now sword wielding Marines, Ivory still pointed at the ground and the black one, Ebony, handing at her side.

“They keep getting tighter,” the guy frowned at the rope, as if it was somehow the knot’s fault he couldn’t get it open.

“Give me my swords idiot!” he hissed, jumping when Gwyneth pulled the trigger, sending a warning shot at the ground when the Marines began to move.

“Don’t let two guns intimidate you!” the Captain told his men. “She just wasted her bullet!”

“Did I?” Gwyneth asked smugly, pulling the trigger yet again, on the same gun, and firing another bullet. She smirked at the shocked looks she got. “I can do this all day, cocksuckers.” she told them, eye narrowing. “Can you?”

Damn this woman was badass. She reminded him a bit of Kuina, actually. You know, if Kuina had lived, stopped using the sword, made herself a sick pair of guns and started swearing worse then a seasoned sailor.

Okay so maybe they weren’t so similar, but what they stood for was the same. That women could be just as strong as men, if they trained hard and didn’t let the petty talk of others get to them.

By now the kid had placed the two black katanas in his hands and was looking at Kuina’s sword in confusion, prompting him to open his mouth to show him where to put it. He grinned and put the hilt between his teeth, just as another crack of gunfire rang out and a cry of pain followed.

Gwyneth had just shot one of the Marines in the knee, making it explode in a rain of gore.

He swiftly cut himself loose, going up to stand next to his new Captain’s second in command.

“Mind if I help?” he growled past the hilt in his mouth, belatedly realizing he had placed himself on her blind side when she turned her entire head to look at him.

“But o’ course Love,” she purred, smirking and he hoped to hell she didn’t see the blush the action got out of him. “After all, it was you they tortured. Give ‘em ‘ell.”

He grunted, pleased.

“With pleasure,”

She cackled.

* * *

“Hey, Gwen?”

The woman hummed, turning to look at Luffy in the small boat they had been forced to leave in when the Marines came and told them they couldn’t let Pirates stay in the town.

“Yeah?”

The Captain shifted slightly, frowning.

“What’s your dream? Mine’s to be the Pirate King and Zoro’s is to be the World’s Greatest Swordsman. So what’s your dream?”

She hummed again, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, taking an thoughtful drag before she answered.

“I suppose if I ‘ad a dream, it’d be t’ die o’ old age.”

“EH?!” he and Zoro exclaimed, staring at her with wide eyes. “YOUR DREAM IS TO DIE?!”

“‘Ell no, dipshits,” she growled. “My dream is t’ die o’ old age so that Bitch down below can’t get my Soul.”

“YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!” the yelled at her.

“SHUT YER TRAPS YOU PAIR O’ CUNTS!” she roared right back. “The fuckin’ Devil wants my Soul, but I ain’t done anythin’ t’ earn myself a trip t’ ‘Ell, so She keeps tryin’ t’ get me t’ kill myself so I’ll get an express ticket t’ that damn shit’ole!”

“Wait what?” he stopped yelling to ask, surprised.

“The Devil wants my Soul,” Gwen repeated, looking exhausted all of a sudden. “I did somethin’ t’ piss ‘Er off, can’t say I know what, and now She wants my Immortal Soul so She can torture me for all eternity. Cunt.”

“What does that have to do with you killing yourself?” Luffy asked as Zoro said; “The Devil’s a woman? The fuck?”

“Killin’ yourself is a sure fire way t’ go t’ ‘Ell,” she explained, taking a drag of her cigarette and ignoring the swordsman. “There are other ways t’ earn yourself a place in ‘Ell, but killin’ yourself is the one thin’ you can do where there’s no chance o’ gettin’ _out_ again. And with ‘ow much that fuckin’ Cunt ‘ates me, She ain’t gonna settle for anythin’ else.”

“But what if you die before then?” she looked at Zoro, raising an eyebrow at him. “Being a Pirate isn’t exactly safe, what happens if you get killed in battle or by a disease or-“

“I won’t let that happen,” Luffy told him darkly, looking at him from under his Hat, dead serious. “I’ll never let my Nakama die.”

“That ain’t somethin’ you can control, shit’ead,” Gwen told him bluntly, then sighed. “But even if I did, the Bitch made it so I’d just get sent right back. She refuses t’ let me die unless it’s by my own ‘and.”

“So you’re basically immortal?” Zoro asked, clearly not believing her. She shrugged. “If that’s ‘ow you wanna look at it, then sure.”

“Does it hurt?” Luffy asked, drawing her eye. “Dying?”

“Depends on ‘ow you die,” she told them, shrugging at the looks they gave her. “I’ve been stabbed, shot, mauled, strangled, decapitated, drowned, bisected, pretty much everythin’ you can think of, it’s ‘appened t’ me. I wouldn’t recommend it, gives you a ‘eadache like you wouldn’t believe.” her lips quirked weakly at her own morbid joke, before she sighed. “But yeah,” she mumbled, clearly tired. “Most o’ the time, it ‘urts like a bitch.”

The two men were silent for a time, unsure of how to proceed after that depressing revelation.

Then Luffy remembered something.

“Hey, Gwen?” she hummed questioningly. “How can a word be hard?”

The look on her face made Zoro burst out laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, she has Dante’s guns, minus the pictures on the side, a bit bigger and looking a bit more like Desert Eagles. They seemed to fit.
> 
> Alas, nobody wanted to read about my headcanon for Gwyneth in the DCAU. I’ll just keep it in my back pocket until someone does.
> 
> See Ya - TheGirlyDJ


	3. Why does your Life mean so little to you?

She had just finished giving her Captain the sex talk.

What the hell had her life become?

Gwen watched as Luffy absorbed the information she had just dumped on him, from what sex was to the differences between men and women to sexuality to the importance of consent, as Zoro tried to force down the raging blush covering his face.

“So the penis goes in the vagina?” he asked innocently and _fuck_ was she happy she had stopped giving a shit about this sort of thing a long time ago.

“Yep,” she confirmed, lazily sucking smoke into her lungs. Ah glorious nicotine, how had she ever survived without you?

“And then the girl gets pregnant and has a baby?”

“There are a few more steps in there then that,” she said, taking great glee in the swordsman’s embarrassment. “And there are ways to make sure the chick doesn’t get knocked up, but yeah, pretty much.”

“And it feels good?” this was hilarious.

“Unless you really fuckin’ suck, yeah,”

“Oh,” he lapsed into a thoughtful silence again, and the swordsman was just starting to return to his normal colour when;

“Can we have sex?” and _wow,_ who knew the human face could get that red? She’d have to ask how he’d done it.

But first.

She shot her Captain a look, ignoring the green haired man’s violent coughing fit. “Are you askin’ because you’re attracted t’ me or because you’re curious ‘bout ‘ow it feels?”

“Well,” he started, putting his hand on his chin in a thinking pose. It looked like it hurt. “A little bit of both, I think? I mean, you said it was better than killing Demons, which I think sounds awesome and I don’t know how anything could be better than that, so I’d really like to try and find out if I like it, but I don’t want it to be with someone I don’t know.” he thought a bit more, face slowly turning red with effort. “And you’re _really_ pretty.”

She snorted, lips curling into a smirk.

“Alright shit’ead, we can ‘ave sex,” she began, quickly grabbing his face when he launched himself at her, eager to get started. “Once we’ve got a bigger boat.” she continued, pretending not to hear the sigh a relief coming from the swordsman. “If we’re doin’ this then we’re doin’ it right, which means on a bed, in a room, with just the two o’ us. This way you can also think ‘bout what you want beyond just ‘sex’.” she removed her hand once she felt him nod. “Now, tell me the most important rules.”

“Always ask for permission before touching someone,” he dutifully repeated, a serious look on his face. “Stop if you’re making your partner uncomfortable, don’t ask women if they’re bleeding from their vaginas-” that particular part of the talk had been fucking _glorious._ “-And punch someone if they don’t listen to you when you say no.”

“Good,” she nodded, effectively shutting the conversation down, to the relief of Zoro. “Now where the ‘ell are we goin’?”

“Don’t know,” her idiot Captain said cheerfully, as if he hadn’t just asked his First Mate to have sex at some point in the foreseeable future. “I don’t know how to navigate.”

“‘Course you don’t,” she sighed, turning to her other crew mate. “And you?”

“I stopped using maps and compasses a long time ago,” he told her, still looking slightly red. “They never point where they’re supposed to.”

“Fuckin’ fantastic,” she breathed, head hitting the side of the boat with a ‘thunk’. “What now then?”

“Look, a bird! I’ll catch it!”

A pair of arms stretched into the sky.

 _“BITCH-FUCKIN’_ SON O’ A _WHORE!”_

* * *

“‘Ow the fuck does shit like this keep ‘appenin’ t’ you shit’ead?!”

Nami jumped, turning away from the cannon to look behind her, her eyes locking on the two intimidating figures standing there.

One was a muscular man with green hair, wearing a white shirt and black pants, and the other was a red haired woman who was over six feet tall and smoking a cigarette, wearing an eyepatch, a black trench coat, a purple shirt and black pants, a heavy scowl twisting her otherwise pretty features.

“Zoro! Gwen! You came!” the kid she had tricked called happily and she froze, because there was only one man in this sea named Zoro, and that was the one they called the Demon of the East Blue.

“Would ‘ave been ‘ere a lot sooner if this directionless dipshit hadn’t gotten lost every time ‘e took a fuckin’ step,” the woman drawled, her pale blue eye narrowed at the teen in the cage. “Why in the name o’ God’s tits are you in a cage!?”

Now there was a way of swearing she hadn’t heard before, and she would be impressed if she wasn’t busy silently panicking over the fact that the guy she had tricked knew _Roronoa Zoro._

Thankfully, Buggy the Clown kept the guy from answering the woman’s question.

“Zoro? As in Roronoa Zoro?” he looked at the green haired man with interest, seemingly ignoring the fact the woman had walked up to the cage and was now swearing loudly at the one occupying it. “Are you here to take my head?”

“Nah, not interested,” the swordsman said nonchalantly, a hand on his swords. “Gave up Pirate Hunting. I’m here for a friend.”

“Well, I’m interested in _you,”_ the clown told him. “Killing you would bolster my reputation.”

“If you try,” he growled, glaring fiercely at the Pirate. “You die.”

“‘Old your ‘orses dipshit,” the woman had evidently stopped swearing at the guy in the cage, because she had just walked up next to the former bounty hunter, making sure he was on her right side. “This guy ate a Devil Fruit. Your swords are gonna be ‘bout as effective against ‘im as a soft dick is at stoppin’ a blender.” she took a drag of the cigarette hanging from her mouth, exhaling slowly. “I’ll take ‘im, you get the shit’ead outta ‘ere.”

“So you know who I am,” the Pirate said, eyeing the woman cockily. “But who are you to think you can take me on?”

“I’m Gwyneth Constantine,” she announced, like the name meant anything other then that she was delusional and crazy. “And I've killed Demons tougher then you when I was ten.” yep, completely crazy. Honestly, who believes in demons?

“So it’s true what they say,” the clown crowed in delight, grinning gleefully at the smirking woman. “You _are_ crazy! Demons don’t exist!”

“Neither do Devil Fruits,” she shot back, flinging back her coat and exposing the strange guns strapped to her hips. “Accordin’ t’ almost everyone in the East Blue, Devil Fruits are a myth. And yet ‘ere you stand,” the woman grabbed the guns and pulled them out, pointing them at them floor either side of her and letting them all see just how _massive_ they were, three times as big as the hands holding them. “With a Devil Fruit that makes you impossible t’ cut and dressin’ like a clown.” she pointed the white gun in her right hand at the Pirate, the black one coming up to lean against her left shoulder. “‘O’s crazy now, fuckface?” she smirked down the barrel of the gun, before pulling the trigger and sending the bullet flying with an ear splitting ‘crack!’

Nami yelled out in shock as the Pirate disconnected his upper body, making the bullet fly harmlessly between the gap left behind.

“Damn bitch,” he growled, reconnecting his torso without issue. “You think two bullets will be enough to stop me?!”

“Nope,” she said, before pulling the trigger _again_ and sending another bullet out, this one hitting the Pirate’s thigh and making him fall with a scream. The woman smirked at the downed Pirate. “Good thin’ I’ve got more than two then, ain’t it?”

“You bitch!” the clown’s men yelled at her, the woman continuing to smirk even as the Pirates around her pulled out their weapons. “You’ll pay for that!”

“Oh yeah?” she mocked, bringing the black gun down to join its twin. “Then come at me!” Nami decided then and there that it was time to leave, barely noticing that the cage had disappeared as the Pirates charged at the cackling woman, the sounds of gunfire loud and clear behind the thief as she ran.

* * *

“What the hell happened to you?” he couldn’t help but ask, staring at the First Mate in shock.

The blood soaked woman shrugged, bringing a cigarette to her lips and lighting it with a match. “Those blokes weren’t too ‘appy with me shotin’ their Captain,” she told him, putting out the match and taking a drag of smoke, paying no mind to the blood staining the cancer stick. “‘Ad t’ fight them off.”

“Alright, fine, that makes sense I suppose,” he acknowledged, rubbing his forehead. “But why are you covered in blood?! Aren’t you a long range fighter!?”

“‘O said it was theirs?” she asked, making his brain short circuit as she turned to Luffy, who was still in the cage and was petting a dog. “Oi, shit’ead! Why the fuck ‘aven’t you just slid out o’ there!? You’re made o’ rubber for fuck’s sake!”

“Oh, you’re right!” and there he goes, sliding between the bars without issue.

He could have done that the whole time!?

“Ahhh!” he stretched, sighing happily. “Much better!” then he finally noticed his First Mate. “Eh? Why are you covered in blood Gwen?”

“‘Ad a fight with some lads,” she waved her hand dismissively, clearly not bother by the liquid now drying on her. “Weren’t careful enough and got my throat torn open. Bastards dumped me not far from ‘ere and I was able t’ sneak away when I came back.” that certainly explained why her throat was covered in blood and her shirt black and clinging to her, but still, that wasn’t exactly the kind of thing you should just brush off. Judging by the dark look on Luffy’s face, he didn’t like his First Mate’s casual dismissal of her temporary death either. 

Not that he believed her claim of being practically immortal, and he likely wouldn’t until he saw proof of it with his own two eyes, but the visible evidence of her demise did make her claim a bit more believable.

“Who killed you?” apparently, his Captain didn’t need evidence and just took her word for it, which seemed like something he would do.

The question made Constantine blink.

“Eh? Some dipshit got ‘is lion to claw my throat out, but that’s not important,” she brushed off, again, and kept talking. “Anyway, what do we do no-?”

“It _is_ important!” Luffy yelled, making Constantine jump and look at him in bewilderment, like she couldn’t understand why he would have that reaction. Now that’s just wrong. “You _died_ Gwen! That’s important!”

“I came back, didn’t I?” she pointed out, looking vaguely annoyed with the kid. “It’s not like I _stayed_ dead.”

“But you still _died,”_ Zoro cut in, because even if he didn’t believe her claim of not being able to die, he didn’t want his crewmate to think her life meant so little. “You died, and while you came back, that doesn’t mean we want you to just throw your life away. You said it hurts, right?” she pressed her lips together but nodded. “Well, we don’t _want_ you to get hurt. Dying may be just another wound to heal from for you, but for us, that’s a comrade lost. Hearing that you died upsets us.”

“What he said!” Luffy confirmed and Constantine stared at them like they were the strangest things she had ever seen. “Gwen, you’re not allowed to die! Captain’s orders!”

“But what if it’s the only option?” she argued, visibly agitated. “What if one o’ our members are ‘bout t’ die, huh? Am I supposed t’ just stand there and let it ‘appen? Or do I take the blow and return?” she glared at the Captain, who glared right back. “You may be the Captain, shit’ead,” she spat, taking three long steps and standing directly in front of him, forcing him to crane his neck to look at her. “But I’m the First Mate and it’s just as much _my_ responsibility that this crew stays fuckin’ alive as it is _yours.”_ she took a deep drag of the blood stained cigarette in her mouth, blowing the smoke into the air above the Captain’s head. “My inability t’ die is an asset, one we can’t just ignore because it upsets you.” she glared down at him. “I’ll be more careful,” she began, making Luffy perk up. “I’ll block fatale blows and I’ll try t’ keep from dyin’. But if what it takes t’ save a crew mate’s life is my death, then I will gladly do it. You got that, _Captain?”_

Luffy stared up at her, their eyes locked in a battle of wills, before he nodded, making Constantine relax and take a step back. “Alright,” he relented, although reluctantly. “I agree to that.”

“Good,” she bit out, dropping the burnt end of the cigarette on the ground and crushing it under her heel. “Now, where do we go from ‘ere?”

“We find the guy who killed you and kick his ass,” Luffy stated, bending down to give the dog on the porch one last pat before rightening himself, putting a hand on his hat and nodding at Constantine. “Show us where he is.”

“No need,” she told them, hooking a thumb over her shoulder. “I can ‘ear ‘is fuckin’ lion from ‘ere, so all we gotta do is wait.”

“Wait for what?” the three of them turned, seeing the orange haired girl that had been at the gathering walking towards them, though she froze when she saw the blood that covered the First Mate.

“W-What the hell?!” the taller redhead raised an eyebrow at the other woman’s sputtering. “Why are you covered in blood?!”

“Don’t see ‘ow that’s any o’ your fuckin’ business, bitch,” she said bluntly, scratching at the side of her throat and making the dried blood peel off. “It’s not like we know each other or somethin’.”

“Oh, it’s you!” Luffy exclaimed, grinning widely at the gaping girl. “Hey guys, this is our new navigator!”

“I never agreed to that!” he and Constantine snorted, because yeah, that sounded familiar. “I told you, I’ll never be a Pirate!”

“Good luck with that, bitch,” Constantine drawled, smirking at the glare the other woman gave her. “That right there is ‘ow ‘e got _us_ t’ join. Trust me, ‘e ain’t gonna let you go now.”

The girl opened and closed her mouth a few times, looking remarkably like a fish out of water, before she huffed and crossed her arms. “Well, I _was_ going to give you this key, since I guess you _did_ save me from those guys,” she grumbled, holding up the big iron key that presumably opened the cage. “But I guess you don’t need it.”

“Nah,” Luffy said, putting his hands behind his head. “I’m made of rubber. I slid through the bars.”

“Made of rubber?” the girl parroted, clearly sceptical. “What, you ate one of those weird fruits too?”

“Yep,” he confirmed, hooking a finger in the corner of his mouth a stretching it much further than he should have been able to. The girl gaped in shock. “I’m a Rubber Man!”

“WHAT THE HELL?!” Zoro winced, rubbing a hand over his ear and glaring at the girl, annoyed with her screeching. “STOP DOING THAT YOU IDIOT, IT’S FREAKY!”

“Oh you ain’t seen nothin’ yet girly,” Constantine told her frankly, clearly delighting in her panic. “Wait until ‘e grabs you and flings the both o’ you int’ the air at ‘igh speeds. Then, you can scream all you like.”

“NO THANKS!” 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO CHOUCHOU!?” the two women stopped their argument, turning with him and Luffy to look at the old man walking towards them with brisk steps.

Then he saw Constantine and stopped, gaping at her in shock.

“My word girl! What happened to you?! Did you fight the Buggy Pirates?!”

“Yeah,” she huffed, keeping her eye on him as he hurried towards her. “Right bunch o’ dick’eads.”

The old man choked on a laugh, having clearly not expected that, coming up to look closer at her, looking for a wound. “Ah, they certainly are. Are you in need a medical attention?” he asked, worried.

“Nah, I’m good,” she told him, scratching at her neck again and making more blood peel off to reveal creamy skin. “Gettin’ killed ‘eals me, no need t’ worry.”

“G-Getting killed?!” both the old man and the girl exclaimed, staring at her in shock.

“Yeah,” she shrugged, seemingly nonchalant, but Zoro could see the small smirk on her face that told him she was having fun. Luffy’s snickering told him he had figured it out as well. “Ain’t the most pleasant thin’ in the world, but ‘ey, it gets rid o’ all the aches and pains, so I ain’t complainin’.”

“You really _are_ crazy,” the girl breathed, looking at the taller female with something that looked like pity. “First demons now coming back to life? You’re delusional.”

“Oh yeah?” Constantine sneered, hooking a thumb over her shoulder. “Then explain _that,_ cocksucker.”

They looked.

It was a guy with a stupid white outfit and a white hat that looked like the ears of a bear, sitting on top of a giant purple lion with a green mane.

And he was looking at the First Mate like she was a ghost.


	4. Blood is Annoying. Here’s why.

“Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-!” the guy stammered, face so pale it looked lightly green, which only became more prominent when Constantine turned around, showing him her bloodstained throat and shirt. “I-! I killed you! You were dead, your throat was torn to shreds!”

Hearing it from Constantine was one thing. Hearing it from a complete stranger, however, especially one who reacted like _that,_ drove home the fact that maybe, just maybe, there was some truth to her claim of not being able to die.

Zoro’s grip on his swords tightened and he grit his teeth, glaring at the man that claimed to have killed a woman he was quickly coming to see as a friend, albeit an asshole one, wanting nothing more than to tear his throat out the same way Constantine’s had been.

When he glanced at Luffy, he saw that he had much the same reaction, his hands clenched into fists and his eyes shadowed by his hat.

Constantine however, simply lit a cigarette and raised an eyebrow at the shaking man.

“Yeah, you did,” she confirmed, making the man blanch and him and Luffy tense even more. “Thanks for nothin’, dipshit.”

“THEN HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?!” he screamed, clutching the fur of the lion desperately. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO _STAY_ DEAD WHEN YOU’RE KILLED!”

“Sorry, I ‘aven’t gotten t’ that part o’ the contract yet,” she sassed, taking a drag of smoke. “Let me come back t’ you on that when I do.”

“Gwen,” Luffy cut in, effectively shutting the conversation down, making the woman turn her head to look at him. “Stop stalling.”

She paused, staring blankly at the Captain for a bit, before sighing and taking a step to the side, letting the kid have a clear view of the two.

“Suit yourself, shit’ead,” she relented, fiddling with the cigarette. “The lion’s the one ‘o did the deed.”

Luffy nodded sharply and glanced at Zoro, who nodded back and removed his bandana from around his bicep, tying it around his head and pulling out his katana.

“W-What are you-!?” the guy didn’t get far, Luffy’s arm stretching to punch the lion in the face, sending it flying and making the man let go so he didn’t fly with it.

“That’s for killing my First Mate,” the Captain said darkly, letting Zoro put his sword to the guy’s throat, both of them watching the man swallow nervously. “Now, me and Zoro are gonna kick your ass.”

He barely heard Constantine ask the old guy if there was a shower she could borrow before the guy who had killed her’s scream of terror drowned everything else out.

* * *

“Damn it shit’ead, stop clingin’ t’ me!”

“No!” Luffy pouted stubbornly, making extra sure his Exorcist couldn’t get out of his many coiled hug. “Gwen died and I’m pissed about it, but I already beat up the guy who did it, so now I’m hugging you to make sure you’re here.”

“Where else would I be, dipshit?” she grumbled, but that’s okay, because she stopped turning to pry him off and just relaxed against the edge of the boat.

He hummed, letting his arms return to their normal length and cuddled up to his First Mate now that he was sure she wouldn’t try to push him off.

Gwen huffed but said nothing, even bringing an arm up to wrap around his back and he snickered, putting his head under her chin. Her being so much taller than him made it really easy to do so while he sat in her lap, arms wrapped around her torso and legs over her hips.

After he and Zoro had beat up the bear guy and his lion, they had gone after Buggy because Nami, his new navigator, had said he had a map of the Grand Line and they needed it to help sail it. When they got there the other crew had freaked out when they saw Gwen, alive and well if still covered in her own blood, calmly smoking next to him.

They had fought for a bit, him against Buggy, Zoro against some acrobat dude and Gwen had helped Nami steal all the treasure and the map before helping him beat the clown by tying all his parts together and leaving him with only his feet, head and hands. The fact she had shot him earlier also made him pretty easy to fight, since the wound hurt whenever he moved.

Then they had to run from the villagers, who thought they had hurt the old mayor dude, and had set sail again, this time with their new navigator sailing in another boat next to them.

And now here they were, with Zoro watching with amusement as Luffy refused to let him First Mate go, clinging to her like an over affectionate octopus.

“Where t’ now, Captain?” she asked, running her free hand through his hair.

“Don’t know, ask Nami,” he grumbled, trying to both push against the hand in his hair and burrow further into her embrace.

Gwen snorted, turning her head to look at Nami, who was staring at them with a strange look on her face.

“Oi, bitch!” she called, snapping the other redhead out of her thoughts and he snickered at the glare she aimed at the taller. “‘Ow long ‘till we get t’ the next island?”

“Don’t call me that,” she snapped back, before sighing, turning to the map and compass she had been studying, Luffy turning his head to lay his cheek against Gwen’s collarbone so he could see what Nami was doing. “About a day or two, if all goes well.”

“That’s that then,” Gwen drawled, shifting slightly and looking down at him. He propped his chin on her collar, blinking up at her. “Look shit’ead, I get that you’re pissed, but I need t’ get all this blood off o’ me.”

“Oh,” he frowned, looking at the dried blood that still covered her throat. “Right.”

She snorted, gently pulling him off of her and rising to stretch her arms over her head with a sigh.

“Right then,” she said, shrugging off her trench coat and folding it neatly, before reaching behind her head to untie the eyepatch, pulling it off her face and laying it on top of the coat. Then she sat down and pulled off her shoes and socks, putting them next to the coat, same with the belt that held her guns and pouch. She pointed at the small pile, her left eye shut firmly. “Make sure that don’t get wet, got it shit’ead?”

“Okay!” he chirped, staring at his First Mate’s uncovered face curiously, noting the lack of a scar over her eye. She looked really familiar, like he’d seen her somewhere before.

“Good,” she nodded, before pulling herself over the boat and into the water, making sure to keep a hand on the edge. “God I ‘ate this stuff.”

“Blood?” he asked, folding his arms on the edge of the boat and laying his head on it so he could better watch his First Mate wash away the blood clinging to her.

“Yeah,” she grunted, using her free hand to rub at her throat, washing the gore away in rivers of pink. “It’s a pain in the arse t’ get out o’ clothes and it itches when it dries.”

“All the more reason to avoid getting killed,” Zoro’s voice drifted over, making the two of the turn their heads to look at him, seeing him watching them with one eye open. “Means you won’t have to deal with it, right?”

Gwen snorted, dunking her head under the water and running a hand through her hair, the water around her already turning dark from the blood. “Guess so,” she answered when she resurfaced, wringing her shirt under the water. “Won’t do anythin’ for when I get the blood o’ those I kill on me, but I suppose it’ll ‘elp with it bein’ my own blood.”

“Of course it will,” he said brightly as his Exorcist pulled herself back into the boat, clothes soaking wet and clinging to her every curve. “If you don’t bleed enough to die, then there won’t be as much blood to clean up!”

She huffed, not even protesting when he planted himself in her lap again after she sat down, just shifting to make it comfortable for both of them. “Can’t argue with that,” she said, lifting her arms to hug him to her as he plastered himself to her wet front, putting her chin on his head. 

“Nope!” he agreed, turning to put his left cheek on her collarbone, looking out at the sea. “Hey, can you tell me more about Demons?”

“Sure shit’ead, sure,” she rumbled and he could feel the vibrations of her voice where he was pressed against her, giggling at the feeling.

Through all of this, Zoro was the only one who noticed the pitying and slightly envious looks the new navigator shot the two, making him narrow his eyes and resolve to have a chat with her.

But first, nap time.

* * *

“Why do you look at them like that?”

She jumped, turning away from the couple cuddling in their sleep to look at Roronoa, who was staring directly at her, wide awake despite him being fast asleep just moments before, hands behind his head as he leaned against the food stores, ready to defend them from wandering fingers.

“Like what?” she questioned harshly, though still quiet so the other two didn’t wake up.

The guy raised an eyebrow, motioning towards where the tall redhead was hugging the smaller Captain close to her, protecting him in her sleep. “Like they’re simultaneously the most depressing yet most awe inspiring thing you’ve ever seen?”

She pressed her lips together, turning her head to glance at the couple before looking back at the man, who was still staring at her intently. 

Should she be honest? Say that she pitied the guy for having such a mentally unstable person as his lover, but envied _her_ for having someone who clearly cared deeply for her and was willing to indulge in her delusions to keep her happy?

In the end, she decided to go with a half truth.

“I just don’t understand how a person like her could end up with a person like him,” she explained, elaborating when the guy raised an eyebrow. “I mean, he’s like sunshine personified, all cheerful and carefree and stupid, and she’s…” she trailed off, trying to find the right word that wasn’t ‘crazy’. “Not all that.” she settled on, startling slightly when the guy chuckled lowly. “What?” she asked, a little annoyed. Sure her explanation wasn’t the best, but it got the point across right?

“I see what it is,” he said, smirking knowingly at her. “You think they're together, don’t you? As in, they’re a couple?”

“You’re telling me they aren’t?” she asked in disbelief, pointing at the sleeping pair. “When they act like _that?_ Bullshit.”

“Oh, I’m sure Luffy feels _something_ for Constantine, even if he doesn’t know what it is,” he began, crossing his arms over his chest with that smirk still on his lips. “She gave him the sex talk yesterday-“ “She did _what?!”_ “-and after she was done he asked if they could have sex,” she sputtered, the guy giving a quiet laugh at her struggles. “Yeah, that was my reaction too. Guy didn’t even care that I was in the boat, as soon as she agreed he tried to jump her and get right down to it. Luckily Constantine doesn’t have an exhibitionism kink, or I have no doubt that I would have seen a lot more of the both of them then I wanted to. But yeah, it was pretty embarrassing to listen to.” he finished, rolling his shoulders to get more comfortable and closing his eyes to go back to sleep, leaving her blinking at the abrupt ending.

She thought about their interactions, how the guy had jumped on her the second she sat down and how Gwyneth had clearly tolerated it despite her violent protests, relenting almost instantly when he told her why he was clinging to her, even pulling him closer to her after she had washed the blood off.

Then she thought about how he looked at her, that same look she had seen in the eyes of couples in Cocoyashi Village before Arlong came and ruined it all.

And then she thought about how he acted in general and sweatdropped, because yeah, she could see him not having the slightest clue he felt anything other then familial affection for her. Hell, she honestly doubted he even knew what romantic love _was,_ let alone how it felt.

But those thoughts also brought up another question.

“Why does he call her Gwen?” she wondered, making Roronoa hum in question. “I mean, I get that he probably can’t pronounce her name, but why shorten her family name and not her given one?”

“It is my given name,” both she and Roronoa jumped, looking to the, apparently awake, redhead, who was looking at them with amusement, speaking quietly as well as to not wake the Captain sleeping in her arms. “The island I was raised on works a bit different then most others and we say our given name first and our family name second. It’s a ‘abit now.”

“How long have you been awake?” she whispered harshly, filing that interesting bit of information away for a later date.

“Since your outburst when ‘e told you I gave the shit’ead the sex talk,” she revealed bluntly. “Be a bit more quiet the next time you decide t’ gossip like a pair o’ old ‘ags.”

 _‘So that’s why he stopped so suddenly,’_ she thought, glancing at the swordsman. _‘He knew she was awake.’_

“Yeah, well,” she coughed, shuffling awkwardly. “Have to get to know my new crew, right?”

“You can do that without bein’ all sneaky ‘bout it,” she deadpanned, shifting to lay down in the boat, pulling the Captain down on top of her, making him groan and squirm before he settled down, his head pillowed on her breasts. “Go t’ sleep bitch.” she ordered, putting her right arm under her head to pillow it, the left wrapped around the Captain. “It’s Zoro’s turn t’ keep watch, so drop the anchor.”

“Why does the anchor have to be dropped?” she couldn’t help but ask as she yawned widely.

“Because this dipshit could get lost walkin’ in a straight line,” she deadpanned, ignoring the green haired man’s glare. “And I don’t want t’ add t’ our travel time ‘cause o’ ‘im.”

“Fair enough,” she relented, even as she doubted anyone could be _that bad_ with directions. “Don’t start having sex while we sleep.”

“Hardy har har,” Constantine grumbled, closing her eyes as the thief dropped the anchor. “Go t’ sleep you fuckin’ cunt.”

“Yeah yeah, bitch, whatever you say,” she shot back, going into the little cabin of her ship and only just catching the quiet huff of laughter the First Mate let out.

Well, at least her being crazy didn’t make her stupid. So she had that going for her.


	5. How Not to flirt.

“S’it’ead,” she grumbled, voice groggy as she lifted her head up to blink blearily at the guy laying on her, sleep still clinging to her brain. “‘Y th’ ‘uck ar’ ‘ou squeezin’ m’ tits?”

Her shithead Captain looked up from her chest, blinking innocently, as if she hadn’t just been woken up by the sensation of him grabbing her tits.

“Oh, you’re up,” he grinned at her, squeezing the two globes in his hands lightly and making her grunt softly. “Sorry, but they were just so soft to lay on and I wanted to know how they felt in my hands.” he didn’t sound sorry in the least.

“Fuckin’ ‘ell shit’ead, learn some self restraint why don’t ya,” she grumbled, groggily pushing herself up and pulling his hands off her tits, noting that he had put his hands up her shirt and under her bra in order to get to them. “I agreed t’ ‘ave sex, I didn’t agree t’ be felt up while I slept.”

“Oh,” he frowned up at her, having slid into her lap when she sat up and was now resting his chin on her collarbone. “Did I upset you?”

She sighed, closing her eye and tilting her face towards the sky, begging a God she didn’t believe in for patience. “No shit’ead, you didn’t,” she told him, tilting her head back down to look at him.

“Oh, good,” he grinned, squirming in her lap and wiggling his fingers at her. “Does that mean I can do it again?” he asked, making her look at him blankly. “They felt really nice to hold.”

She, just… stared at him, because fucking hell, that was not what she expected. Who knew the guy who didn’t even know women didn’t have a dick a few days ago would get so excited by touching a pair of tits?

“Yeah, sure, why not dick’ead,” she sighed, so very done with this bullshit and not even caring when she felt him shove his hands back up her shirt and grope her again. “Just don’t do it if we’re about t’ fight or when I tell you I ain’t in the mood.”

“Of course!” he exclaimed, eyes going serious even as he fondled her. “No means no, right?”

“Just makin’ sure, dick’ead,” she commented, reaching for her eyepatch and putting it on, tying it behind her head with the ease of long practice. “Since you didn’t seem t’ give a shit ‘bout the no touchin’ rule.”

“Sure I do,” he defended, grinning sunnily at her. “But you’re Gwen and I know you’ll kick my ass if I do something you don’t like.”

She sighed again and gave up, leaning against the edge of the boat with her arms spread along the edge of the boat and just let him do his thing, waving absentmindedly to the orange bitch when she emerged from her ship, stumbling slightly and rubbing sleep from her eyes.

The girl blinked sleepily at her, slowly raising her hand to wave back, before freezing mid-wave as her brain finally caught up with what her eyes were seeing and her jaw dropped, eyes going wide as she stared.

“‘Ello,” she greeted, looking the bitch directly in the eye as she did her damndest to ignore the hands squeezing her tits. “Sleep well?”

The resulting screech made Zoro wake up so abruptly that he fell flat on his face, fumbling for his katanas and sluggishly mumbling; “W’at’s ‘appenin’?” as Luffy ‘ShiShiShiShi’ed and she cursed at the bitch for making such a racket.

“Fuckin’ ‘ell that’s loud!” she exclaimed, rubbing at her ear and glaring at the other woman. “The ‘ell you puttin’ in those lungs o’ yours, dyin’ cats?!”

“WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!” she just continued screeching, Zoro finally managing to right himself and look at what was making the shorter redhead scream. And he stared.

“Really?” he deadpanned, her glare getting nothing but a raised eyebrow. “I thought you agreed to wait until we had a bigger ship?”

“We _have_ a bigger ship,” the shithead argued, hands still on her tits as he turned to look at the other two. “See, Nami’s ship is bigger!”

“Is that why you decided t’ grab my tits?” she asked, curious about how his brain worked.

“Yeah,” he nodded, absolutely no shame on his face. “You said we need a room to have sex, but Nami won’t let us on the boat, so I figured this was okay now that there’s a bigger ship!” he grinned, looking way too proud of himself for someone with his hands up a woman’s shirt.

“‘Course you did,” she grumbled, grabbing his arms and pulling them out of her shirt. “Alright, that’s enough. We’ve got other things to do.”

He pouted but nodded, even tugging her shirt back in her pants, how lovely, before he got himself comfortable and just feel right the fuck asleep in her lap, head resting on her tits.

She stared down at the dipshit drooling on her chest, before lifting her head to look at the just as blank faces of her crew mates.

“So,” she drawled, fingers twitching for a fag. “‘Ose for not tellin’ newbies ‘e does that?”

Zoro’s snort was drowned out by the bitch’s screech.

* * *

When they finally reached the island the bitch had been leading them to, her clothes had finally dried and the shithead had groped her at least three times already, never caring if the other two were watching or not, only looking to her for permission by grabbing some part of her shirt.

In the end, she had told him no two times, leaving him pouting but complying, and had decided to just leave her shirt untucked, since it would seem that she now had a grabby octopus for a Captain and it was easier then having to tug it back into her pants every time he decided he had had his fill of groping her.

Even now, as he jumped on her back without so much as a by your leave, he tugged on her shirt collar and looked at her with big eyes from where he had preached his head on her shoulder, his feet dangling off the ground due to their height difference.

“Not now, shit’ead,” she grumbled, batting his hand away, to the relief of the other two, scanning the cliffs surrounding them with a narrow eye. “There’s somebody ‘ere.”

That got their attention and they silently readied themselves, Luffy sliding off her back to stand in the sand, Zoro using his thumb to push his white sword out slightly and the bitch pulling out a staff from who the fuck knows where.

She didn’t get a chance to pull out her guns before they were forced to jumped out of the way of a small rain a projectiles coming from one of the cliffs. She narrowed her eye as flags started popping up in the bushes on top of the cliffs, small Jolly Roger’s that bobbed up and down in way too synchronized a pattern.

“The fuck is this bullshit?” she questioned, eyeing the flags in disbelief. “‘O in the ‘ell would be impressed by somthin’ like this?”

“So cool!” there her fearless Captain goes, being stupid yet again. Why was she following this guy again?

Oh, right, because he was the only one who didn’t think she was crazy right off the bat. And she had been fucking lonely when he asked her and she couldn’t say no to the promise of companionship.

Above them someone laughed, making them look up to see a skinny teenager wearing brown overalls, an olive coloured checkered bandana, goggles and a large bag hanging from his waist.

He also had thick black hair, prominent lips and the longest fucking nose she had ever seen.

 _‘What do you know?’_ she thought as she listened to him introduce himself with all the drama of a veteran theater actor. _‘When you think you’ve seen everythin’, life throws somethin’ new at you. A literal dickface.’_

“Me and my 80 million men will defeat you easily, criminals!” oh, he was still talking? And who the fuck would believe th- nope, not saying it, he would, of course he would.

“Awesome!” yep, knew it.

“‘O the fuck would believe that bullshit, dickface?” she asked incredulously, drawing the kid’s eye as she fished out a fag and lit it, shoving the matches back in her pocket as she took a long drag. “You been lyin’ t’ babies or somethin’?”

“EH?!” the shithead exclaimed, turning to her with wide eyes as the kid started shaking. “You mean he was lying?!”

“‘Course ‘e was lyin’ shit’ead!” she roared, glaring at him. “If ‘e wasn’t, then that’s ten procent o’ the world’s population right there!”

Oh,” he blinked, looking honestly surprised by that information. “Right, that many people probably wouldn’t fit on this island, would they?”

“No they wouldn’t, shit’ead,” she confirmed, taking another pull of smoke. “And ‘o the ‘ell are you anyway, dickface?” she asked the kid, making him jerk.

“I-I just told you my name!” he yelled, sweating profusely.

“I didn’t ‘ear it,” she told him bluntly, uncaring of the way his shoulders slumped in defeat. “I only ‘eard you claim t’ be a Pirate and then I stopped listenin’.”

“Hey, what do you mean ‘Claim to be a Pirate!?’” he demanded to know, making her raise an unimpressed eyebrow. “I’ll have you know that I’m feared throughout the Seas as the most dangerous Pirate that ever lived!”

“Really?!” Luffy cried, excitement clear on his face. “That’s so cool! We’re Pirates too!”

“W-Wait,” oh, so he didn’t know? This would be fun. “You guys are Pirates?” 

“Yep,” Zoro smirked, pushing his sword out a little more. “Real Pirates.”

“You’ve been a Pirate for all o’ three days, dipshit,” she told him bluntly, smirking at the glare she got.

“So have you, bitch!” he yelled, making her shrug and take another drag. “True, but before that I killed Demons for a livin’ and you were a bounty ‘unter, so I guess it’s a moot point.” she glanced at the shithead when she heard him let out a small “Aha!” “Find somethin’ shit’ead?”

“Nah, I just remembered where I’d heard that name before,” he said, turning to the dickface. “You’re Yasopp’s son, aren’t you?!”

The kid fell off the cliff.

 _‘Fuckin’ ‘ell,’_ she thought, staring blankly at the kid. _‘’E’s gonna end up joinin’ us, ain’t ‘e?’_

* * *

“You know, I’d forgotten ‘ow much you eat,” Constantine, Gwyneth, fuck it, _Constantine_ mused as she stared at Luffy, calmly eating her own meal and batting the rubbery hands away when they snuck too close to either her plate or her chest. “It’s like you’ve got a black ‘ole in place o’ a stomach.” she batted a persistent hand away from her chest. “And I told you shit’ead, not in a restaurant.”

Luffy pouted around his food, but finally stopped trying to grope his First Mate and Zoro couldn’t help but sigh in relief, sharing a long suffering glance with the navigator. Just when he thinks this crew couldn’t possibly get any weirder, he wakes up to find his Captain with his hands up the First Mate’s shirt and her just sitting there, looking for all the world like she was just relaxing on the deck and not having her breasts squeezed by a guy made out of rubber.

And while he was a little annoyed that she didn’t do more to stop him, he was also pretty impressed by just how much she _didn’t care._ It was honestly a bit awe inspiring.

“So, you knew my dad?” the long nosed kid asked, nervously fidgeting in his seat as his eyes flickered between the Captain and First Mate, clearly a bit confused by their interactions.

Luffy swallowed his mouthful, grinning at the other teen. “Sure did!” he said cheerfully. “Your dad used to talk my ears off with stories about you! Kept talking about how proud he was of you!”

“Of course he was proud!” the kid exclaimed, puffing out his chest in pride. “I am Captain Usopp, a Brave Warrior of the Sea! Who wouldn’t be proud!?”

“I wouldn’t,” wow, that was cold even for Constantine. “I ‘ate liars, so I sure as shit wouldn’t be proud if my kid grew up to be one. Anyway,” she continued on and Zoro was once again struck by how much _she just didn’t care_ as he watched the kid fall into a depressed heap on the floor and the First Mate completely ignore it. “Is there anywhere on this island where we can get a ship?” 

“A ship?” the kid parroted, coming out of his Constantine-induced depression to sit up straight again, the sweat that started to bead on his forehead at the question making Zoro’s eyes narrow in suspicion.

“Yes, dickface, a ship. You do know what that is, right?” she questioned harshly, glaring the kid down with her single eye.

“O-Of course I do! But no, no ships here, nope, definitely not!”

“Not even from that mansion on the ‘ill?”

“DEFINITELY NOT!”

“Right,” she said, turning to Luffy after the kid ran out the door at full speed, which was definitely not suspicious _at all._ “We goin’ after ‘im?”

And then three kids came in and fainted because they thought they’d eaten their Captain.


	6. Could you Please stop Shattering my Worldview?

Gwen was tense.

He could feel it, preached on her back as he was, his legs wrapped around her waist and his arms hanging over her chest, the strong muscles of her back getting more and more tense the closer to the mansion they got.

“Hey Gwen?” he asked, head resting on the shoulder of her blind side. He continued when she grunted. “Why are you so tense?”

“Because there a ghost in that ‘ouse,” she told him, her grip on his thighs tightening. “I can feel it, like a buzz in the air. It’s a Poltergeist, a malevolent spirit. It’s bein’ ‘eld back by somethin’, but it ain’t gonna work for much longer.”

“Cool!” he exclaimed, grinning at her even though she couldn’t see it. “I get to see you exercise with a ghost!”

“It’s Exorcise, dipshit,” she growled, turning her head to glare at him, making it so they were almost nose to nose. “I’m gonna force it back t’ the Afterlife.”

“Still cool,” he declared, before lifting his hands and sticking them down his First Mate’s top to grab her boobs. They were _really_ soft and he had to stretch his fingers a bit because of their size.

“For fuck’s sake Luffy!” Nami yelled while Gwen just turned her gaze back to the path and let him be, clearly not caring. “There are kids here! Don’t teach them that randomly grabbing a girl’s chest is okay!”

“But Gwen doesn’t mind,” he argued, squeezing them just to be sure and all she did was roll her eye. “See, it’s fine!”

Nami growled at him before looking at Gwen. “How are you okay with this?!”

“This dipshit grabbin’ my tits ain’t somethin’ worth carin’ ‘bout,” Gwen told her bluntly, moving his thighs a bit higher on her waist. “And it’s my body, bitch, I can do what I want with it.”

Nami let out a noise of frustration, making him snicker, before he pouted when Gwen grabbed his arms and pulled his hands out of her bra.

“Gwwwwweeeeennnnn!” he whined, wiggling his fingers. “Come on!”

“Nope, shit’ead, it’s ‘ard enough t’ get people t’ let me int’ their ‘omes as is, don’t need you gropin’ me makin’ it ‘arder,” she explained making him huff and wrap his arms around her neck with a pout.

“People are stupid,” he grumbled, making Gwen snort.

“Ain’t that the truth,” she mumbled, coming to a stop in front of the gates. “We’re ‘ere.”

“Great!” he said, sliding off her back and walking to stand next to her, chin in his hand. “Now, how do we get in?”

“Captain Usopp has a secret entrance somewhere!” one of the kids Usopp knew chirped, the other two nodding in agreement. “We could find that!”

“That’ll take too long,” Gwen snapped harshly and he looked at her, frowning when he saw how tense she was, practically vibrating, her pale blue eye fixed on the mansion. “Whatever’s ‘olding back that Poltergeist ain’t gonna be able t’ do it for much longer. We need t’ get in there.”

“P-POLTERGEIST?!” the three kids screamed, while Zoro looked mildly interested and Nami looked mildly annoyed, for some reason. Gwen nodded and jumped, grabbing the top of the gate and swinging herself over it and to the other side. He was about to follow when someone grabbed his arm, making him turn to frown at Nami.

“Luffy!” she hissed, glaring. “Now isn’t the time to indulge in her delusions! We’re here to ask for a ship, not freak them out with Constantine’s ramblings!”

“Eh? What are you talking about Nami?” he blinked at her, confused. “You heard what she said, this ghost-thingy is dangerous and it’ll attack soon.”

Nami stared blankly at him and he gently removed his arm from her hold, taking a step back.

“Oh my god, you actually believe her,” she breathed, looking like someone had just stolen all her meat. “Luffy, ghosts aren’t real!”

“Sure they are,” he said, frowning at her. “Gwen says they’re real.”

“Gwen’s crazy!” she yelled and his face turned to stone. “Fucking hell Luffy, Gwen’s crazy and delusional! She thinks she can’t die and that demons are rea-!”

“Shut up,” he said, voice quiet, and Nami does, closing her mouth and staring at him with wide eyes. He didn’t like the fear hidden in them, but he wasn’t going to let her talk about his First Mate like that. “If Gwen says Demons and ghosts are real, then they’re real. If she says she comes back after she dies, then she comes back. She wouldn’t lie about stuff like that.”

Nami stared at him, turning her head to look at Zoro, who gave her a hard look, before turning back to him, opening her mouth to say something.

Suddenly, there was a bright flash of light behind them, followed by a long, unnatural sounding scream and his First Mate roaring; “JUST GO T’ ‘ELL YOU WHINY CUNT!”

The three kids screamed, jumping in to cling to each other, while Zoro jerked and grabbed his white sword in a death grip, his eyes wide with surprise and Nami gaped at the house, her eyes just as wide. Luffy, however, frowned in annoyance, turning on his heel just as the screaming abruptly stopped and the light died down, like it had never happened in the first place.

“Naaammmmiiiiii!” he whined, turning again to pout at the gaping navigator. “You made me miss it!”

“WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS HOUSE?!” a male voice roared from the house before the navigator had a chance to respond, making them snap out of the mild stupor they had fallen into to finally get over the gate and into the property, he and Zoro sprinting into the house with Nami and the kids walking behind them.

They skid to a stop in the doorway and watched as a black haired man with round glasses and dark scowl walk down the stairs to where Gwen was standing inside a circle of what looked like salt, panting lightly and sporting a bleeding cut across her forehead.

“Gettin’ rid o’ a Poltergeist,” Gwen drawled, fishing a cigarette out of her pocket and a box of matches, lighting the stick as the man stomped up to her, glaring. “You’re welcome, arseface.”

“Poltergeist?” the suit clad man spat, pushing his glasses up with his palm as another man, this one looking a lot like a sheep, hurried into the room and gaped at the destruction, furniture overturned and a chandelier smashed on the floor. “Do you honestly expect me to believe that?”

“No,” she shrugged, taking a drag of smoke and blowing it in his face, smirking at the expression he made. “Nobody ever does, but it’s still true. You ‘ad a Poltergeist in ‘ere, bein’ ‘eld back by a pair o’ ghosts.” she waved a hand, taking a step backwards and out of the salt circle. “Got rid o’ the Poltergeist and sent the ghosts on. Sorry ‘bout the mess, those kind o’ Spirits aren’t known for leavin’ quietly.”

“I see,” the sheep-like man cut in before the other man could say anything, walking up to Gwen with a smile that looked kinda fake and pity in his eyes. “Thank you then, miss. We’ll clean up the mess.”

Gwen gave the man a little smirk, taking the cigarette out of her mouth to hold between two fingers. “You think I’m crazy too,” she said, shrugging when the man winced lightly. “It’s fine, everyone does. Tell the kid ‘er parents loved ‘er and wished they could ‘ave stayed longer.” she turned on her heel, waving behind her. “‘Ave a nice day and all that shit.”

Luffy watched his First Mate walk over to him and Zoro, stopping in front of them to tilt her head and raise an eyebrow. He just grinned and grabbed her forearm, dragging her outside.

“Come on!” he said, ignoring her violent cursing and Zoro’s smirk. “We still have to ask for a ship!”

* * *

“What the hell was that?” Nami demanded to know after they had gotten kicked out of the mansion by the black haired butler, who had been glaring at Constantine the whole time, likely because of whatever she had done inside the house.

“What was what, bitch?” the First Mate asked, sucking smoke into her lungs as she leaned against the fence they were all gathered around, Luffy having run off after the long nosed guy.

“That scream!” she exclaimed, twisting to glare at the taller woman. “The scream, the light, everything! What was it?!”

“That was me Exorcisin’ a Poltergeist,” she deadpanned, turning her head to glare at the shorter, since the navigator was sitting on her blind side. “You deaf?”

“POLTRGEISTS DON’T EXIST!” she screamed at her, not truly knowing if she was saying it to Constantine or herself. “THEY’RE JUST STORIES! MYTHS!”

“Like Devil Fruits are myths?” the other pointed out as the kids and Roronoa looked between the two woman with wary eyes. “Bitch please, I’ve been told my whole life that the things I ‘unt ain’t real, but that ‘asn’t stopped me from shootin’ them. You don’t think they’re real, fine.” the woman pushed herself away from the fence, twisting to stand in front of the thief and stare her down with a single, hard blue eye. “Believe what you want. But don’t scream at me just because you can’t wrap your shitty ‘ead ‘round the fact that Demons and ghosts are as much o’ a myth as Devil Fruits.”

Nami didn’t get a chance to respond, interrupted by the appearance of a strange man wearing a dark blue jacket and heart shaped sunglasses over his eyes. He was also walking backwards.

“The fuck are you supposed t’ be?” Constantine asked, her eye flickering over the man with a scowl on her face.

“I am simply a normal guy,” the man said, turning around in a circle as he talked.

“Shitface, I’ve seen Demons that look better than you do,” she told him bluntly, making the man grab at his chest like he was hurt. “Stop wastin’ our time.”

“How rude!” the man exclaimed, dramatically at that. “I am just a normal, run of the mill hypnotist!”

“A hypnotist? Really?” one of the kids, Tamanegi, if she remembered right, asked, looking excited.

“Show us something!” kid number two, Piiman, demanded, like only a kid could.

“Yeah! Do something!” the last kid, Ninjin, added and Nami saw Constantine roll her eye behind their backs, leaning back against the fence and taking a pull of smoke.

“Yeah, fucker,” the First Mate drawled, drawing the man’s eye and she raised an eyebrow, a smirk on her lips. “Show us somethin’.”

“What?” the man exclaimed, looking at the kids. “You think I’m just gonna reveal my tricks to a bunch of roadside strangers? Okay, you’ve convinced me!”

“Didn’t do jack shit, fucker,” Constantine said but the man ignored her, pulling a disk out of his jacket and holding it in front of him by a string.

For some reason, Constantine tensed when she saw the disk, her eye narrowing as the guy said; “On the count of One, Two, Jango, you will all fall asleep!”

“Is this guy for real?” the thief heard Roronoa ask the taller, clearly skeptical.

“If that’s what I think it is, then yeah,” the woman mumbled back, eye glued to the disk and therefor not seeing the surprised look Roronoa gave her. “‘E’s the real deal.”

“One, Two, Jango!”

The kids fell asleep.

And so did the guy.

“Yeah,” Constantine said, looking extremely serious next to the gaping thief and swordsman, her eye hard and her face set. “‘E’s the real deal alright.”

“The _disk_ told you that?” Roronoa asked, eyeing said disk. “How?”

“In my profession, you’d better know your shit, or you’re dead,” the woman told them bluntly, pushing off the fence and walking over to crouch next to the sleeping man, carefully grabbing the disk and holding it up against the light, scrutinizing it. “You’d be amazed by ‘ow many Enchanted Objects there are, from somethin’ as mundane as a tea set that can serve tea on its own, t’ a mirror that pulls you int’ another dimension if you look at it for too long.” she ignored their looks of disbelief. “This little fucker right ‘ere,” she tapped the disk against the ground, creating little ‘ding’ noises. “Is known as the Medal o’ Azcaram. ‘E was a ‘ypnotist that sold ‘is Soul t’ a Demon in exchange for somethin’ that would make ‘is ‘ypnosis work on the body as well as the mind. Fucker got killed before ‘e even ‘ad a chance t’ use it, but it got stolen before it could be buried with ‘im. Seems this shit’ead found it some’ow.”

Now Roronoa was looking at the little thing warily and even if she didn’t believe the other woman, Nami had to admit that the story was slightly unsettling.

“What are you going to do with it?” she asked, making Constantine look up and smirk slightly.

“I’m goin’ t’ take it and leave a fake in its place,” she answered, sounding utterly confident in her ability to do that.

“How the hell are you going to do that?” the thief questioned incredulously, before adding. “And what if he wakes up?”

“That’s an easy fix,” the woman said, before holding up her right hand, the one not holding the disk, and bending her fingers so only her index- and middle finger were straight.

Then she twisted the hand to have the fingers pointed down instead of up an and a circle appeared in the air in front of her palm.

Nami heard the swordsman suck in a sharp breath and start coughing violently but she didn’t pay much attention to it, too busy gaping at the woman as she spread the previously bent fingers, making three of the same circle overlaid with a triangle appear, hovering in the air and glowing bright purple. “What?” Constantine, the bitch, smirked at her, before moving her hand again, twisting it around so her palm faced upwards and her pinky was pulled to hover over her palm, her thumb and index finger the only two finger pointing straight out from her hand. The movement made the four circles move to the foreheads of the sleeping quarter, where they seemingly melded into the skin, an image of the pattern flashing briefly in black before fading away, leaving behind unblemished skin. “Never seen Magic before?”

“WHAT THE HELL?!” she screeched, Constantine completely unphased as she reached behind her into her coat, hand returning with a piece of paper and a bottle of ink. “WHAT DID YOU JUST _DO_ TO THEM?!”

“Made sure they wouldn’t wake up until I’m done,” the redhead explained, shifting so she was sitting cross legged, the disk balanced on her right knee and the bottle sat down in front of her. She frowned thoughtfully at the ground.

“That won’t do,” she muttered and, after doing the gesture again, a new circle, this one inlaid with two triangles placed to look like a star, appeared on the ground in front of her. With an upwards motion of her index- and middle finger, the circle moved up, a small stone table appearing as it traveled, starting with the legs and ending with the table itself.

Another twitch and the circle vanished, leaving Constantine free to place the paper on the table and reach behind her again, this time returning with a small wooden bowl and a calligraphy brush.

“Okay, what the hell?” Roronoa finally found his voice, eyeing the table critically. “Demons I can buy, but Magic?”

“Sometimes, you gotta fight fire with fire,” the woman said, placing the bowl in the bottom left corner and the brush along the top of the paper, before reaching down and pulling the bottle and disk up to place on the small table as well, the bottle in top right, the disk in the top left. “Magic is dead useful, if you got enough patience t’ learn.” she paused, reaching behind her again. “And, you know, can actually learn it.”

“What does _that_ mean?” the thief sneered, choosing to sit down in front of the table as well, peering at the assortment of items curiously. Roronoa did the same, though on the right side instead of sitting next to her. It was pretty small, after all.

“Not everyone can learn Magic,” Constantine explained, her eye flickering between the man on her right and the girl in front of her as she pulled out a small, wicked looking dagger, the blade curved instead of straight, the handle a deep, bloody red and the sheath royal purple. “A bunch o’ things go int’ ‘avin’ Magic, from ‘o your parents are t’ what time of day you were born t’ even what kind o’ fuckin’ flowers your Ma was smellin’ when ‘er water broke. It all plays a part in it.” she shrugged, placing the dagger next to the bowl. “I’m just one o’ the lucky ones.”

“And what does all this,” Nami motioned to the items on the table. “Have to do with magic?”

“Sometimes you need somethin’ tangible t’ make sure everythin’ goes right,” the apparent magician drawled, popping open the ink bottle and pouring some into the bowl, using the brush to stir it. “When dealin’ with Enchanted Objects, you gotta make sure everything’s perfect, or you’ll end up losin’ a limb.” Constantine returned the bottle to its place, before grabbing the dagger and swiftly unsheathing it, exposing the sharp silver edge to the air. “I need t’ make a copy o’ this disk,” she tapped said disk, before pulling up the sleeve of her coat and holding her arm over the bowl. “And that requires somethin’ with a bit more o’ a kick then what I can conjure up.” she put the blade to her skin.

“Wait-!” Roronoa exclaimed, jerking up to try and stop her, but it was too late, the dagger slicing through soft skin and allowing blood to come to the surface to flow down her arm and into the bowl, where she was once again using the brush to mix it together after putting the dagger down. “What are you doing?!”

“Blood’s one o’ the best conduits for Magic there is,” she snapped, lifting her arm to lick the cut after letting the blood flow for a bit. When she put it down again, the wound was gone. “Sure, ink works too, but if you want t’ be sure your circle’s gonna work, then you add blood t’ it.” she eyed the mixture critically before reaching behind her yet again, pulling out a small flask of purple powder. It looked like crushed chalk. “And some o’ this, if you know what you’re doin’.”

“And you do?” Nami asked with no small amount of skepticism, watching her mix a little bit of the powder in with the blood and ink with reluctant fascination.

“Yup,” she said, popping the ‘P’ and everything, now finally seeming satisfied with her bizarre mixture as she put down the powder and dipped the brush in the vaguely purple mixture, making sure to let the excess drip off before bringing it to the paper and starting on a circle.

The two of them watched curiously as the circle slowly took form.

It started with an outer circle before another was added in, creating a thick line along the edge. A seven pointed star was placed inside the circle, the lines forming the star painted without lifting the brush from the paper and each point touching the edge of the inner circle. Strange symbols were written inside the space between the two circles, as well the space between the star’s points and the pentagon in the middle of the star.

Constantine studied the circle once she was done, eye roving over each part of it, from the circles to the star to the symbols, before nodding and swiftly putting everything away, cleaning the brush and pouring the mixture in an empty bottle she pulled out of wherever she had her stuff. Then she put the disk on the paper, in the middle of the circle, and placed her hands on either side of the table, palm pressed to the surface, and took a deep breath.

She then lifted up her palms, making it so only her fingertips were on the table, and _slammed_ them back down, producing a sound like a gong being struck, and circle came to life, lighting up with what looked like purple lightning that arched off the paper and scorched the stone table, the disk moving to hover a few inches above the crackling circle.

Both Nami and the swordsman jumped at the action, staring wide eyed as the paper burned away, leaving only a burning purple circle behind, and the disk vibrated intensely for a few seconds before it… split, for lack of a better word, becoming two instead of one.

“There,” Constantine said, looking quite satisfied with her work as the table and the circle just… disappeared, leaving only the two disks hovering in the air. The redhead grabbed them, putting the original wherever everything else had gone and the fake next to the strange man, right where she had taken the original from. “That’s that done.”

“Magic’s real,” Nami said, voice hollow. “Great. What’s next? Witches?”

“Well-“

_“DON’T ANSWER THAT!”_

Roronoa sighed.


	7. Please tell me they aren’t always like that

“Oi, shit’ead, wake up,” the kick against his side didn’t really hurt, but the action was enough to make him jolt awake with a cut off snore and blink up at the scowling face of Gwen in confusion. He gave her a sleepy grin.

“Good morning Gwen!” he cheered, jumping to his feet and stretching out his back. “That was a good nap!”

“I'm sure it was, shit’ead,” Gwen said, sounding vaguely annoyed “Now what the ‘ell ‘appened and why are you on the floor?”

“I don’t really know...,” he admitted, bending down to grab his Hat as Gwen stared at him with a deadpan expression. “I remember talking to Usopp and then that butler guy showed up with a weird guy with sunglasses, talking about killing that nice girl Kaya for her money. Then I think I fell asleep.”

“So that dipshit can still ‘ypnotise people even without the Medal o’ Azcaram,” she commented, making him blink at her in confusion. “Good t’ know, I suppose. What’s this ‘bout killin’ the blonde girl?”

“Oh yeah,” he said, deciding it wasn’t important if Gwen wasn’t worried. “They’re gonna attack the village tomorrow and make her sign over her fortune to the butler guy, then kill her.”

“Can’t ‘ave that,” she said, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it with a match. “So, we gonna fight ‘im?”

“Yup,” he grinned at his First Mate, happy she knew him so well. “I like that girl, so I’m gonna kick his ass.”

“Lovely,” she snarked, her shark-like smirk telling him she was excited. “Let’s kill some motherfuckers then.”

* * *

“The ‘ell “appened t’ you, dickface?” she asked bluntly, fiddling with a fag as she eyed the long nosed boy. “You look like you decided fightin’ a brick wall with your face was a good idea.”

Indeed, the kid had seen better days, his face swollen and his nose bent at an odd angle with specs of blood decorating the skin.

“I tried to warn them,” he mumbled past his bigger than normal lips, visibly downtrodden. “But they didn’t believe me. Thought I was lying.”

“And they beat the shit out o’ you for that?” she couldn’t help but ask, crouching down in front of the boy and gently touching his face, doing her best to not cause him more pain as she figured out how bad the damage was. Judging by his badly hidden flinch, she wasn’t succeeding. “Bunch o’ cocks, the whole lot o’ them.”

“But Captain!” one of the kids (Fuck if she remembered their names, they were all stupid anyway) cried, looking quite horrified indeed. “You weren’t lying! Why would they do that?!”

Gwen felt the kid tense under her hands, glancing up from his arm with a blank face, wondering what he would do.

“Ah, of course I am!” he suddenly exclaimed, wincing when she poked his covered forearm, unimpressed. “I always lie! That butler pissed me off, so I decided to lie about him being a pirate to get back at him!”

She kept her thoughts to herself when the kids accepted the explanation way too quickly and walked off, clearly disappointed, and waited until they were out of hearing range before she ripped the sleeve off his arm and pulled it to her face so she could look closer at the gunshot wound, ignoring his cry of pain. “Talk, dickface,” she rumbled, a gesture making a circle appear over the wound, to the excited exclamations of the idiot she called her Captain. “Tell us why you lied just now.”

Once he had shaken off the surprise of seeing a glowing orange circle appear in midair, the sniper told them how he had tried to warn the villagers and, when no one believed him, kidnap Kaya, only for the sheep-like butler, Merry, to shoot him and the villagers then beating him up with brooms and other such tools.

“And yet you still want t’ ‘elp,” she observed, finally rising to her feet once she had patched him up as much as she could, because even with Magic, she wasn’t a doctor. She cracked her neck, paying no mind to Luffy jumping up to preach on her back, head plopping down on her right shoulder. “‘Ow ‘eroic o’ you.”

“Of course I do!” he cried, somehow looking both offended and scared, which was pretty impressive. “This is my home! There’s no way I’m letting pirates attack it without fighting back!”

“Good for you,” she drawled, looking at Luffy’s face from out the corner of her eye. “We’re gonna ‘elp ‘im, right?”

“Yep,” her Captain chirped, giving the gaping liar a carefree grin. “We sure will.”

“Y-You,” the kid blubbered, clearly touched. “Thank you!”

“Think nothing of it,” the orange bitch said silkily, twirling a piece of her hair with a sly look on her face. “This means I can get their treasure!”

“That’s all you ever think ‘bout, bitch,” she said bluntly, feeling the idiot snicker against her back.

“You just want to fight!” the other woman yelled at her, glaring.

“So does ‘e,” she deadpanned, hooking a thumb at the widely grinning swordsman.

“We don’t have time for this!” the kid hurried to say, hoping to keep the two women from fighting. “What can you guys do?”

“I stretch.”

“I cut.”

“I steal.”

“I shoot.”

“And I hide,” the kid nodded, deflating. “We’re screwed, aren’t we?”

“That’s what makes it fun,” she grinned, Luffy snickering on her back. “What’s the plan, dickface?”

“Please stop calling me tha-“ he stopped, eyes bugging out and face turning beat red as Luffy shoved his hands down her shirt and groped her. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”

“Huh,” she mused, looking at the sputtering boy with a contemplative expression. “You know what shit’ead, you’ve gotta do that more often, if this is the reaction it gets.”

“Awesome!” was cheered from her shoulder, while the bitch screamed at her to “Stop encouraging him dammit!” and Zoro sighed, looking to the sky like he was asking God what his life was.

She just grinned.

* * *

Somehow, Usopp had gotten his hands on a couple barrels of oil, which they used to cover the slope leading to the beach in, creating a slippery obstacle that would be hard to get through.

“These Pirates sure are takin’ their sweet arse time gettin’ ‘ere,” Gwen rumbled, looking all kinds of badass with her white gun resting on her right shoulder and her black one held loosely at her side, cigarette burning in her mouth and eyepatch reflecting the morning sun slightly. “You sure this is the place, dickface?”

“Oh crap!” Usopp (Who had been avoiding looking at Gwen since yesterday for some reason) suddenly yelled, whirling around with a panicked expression. “There's another slope like this on the North side of the island!”

“WHY ARE YOU JUST MENTIONING THIS NOW IDIOT?!” Nami roared, teeth sharp. “THAT’S WHERE MY TREASURE IS!”

“Fuckin’ fantastic,” Gwen grumbled, holstering her guns again and turning towards where Usopp and Nami had run off to. “Oi, shit’ead! Sword-Wanker! Follow me and don’t get lost!”

 _“What_ did you just call me?!” Zoro yelled, face torn between surprise and outrage as Luffy snickered and jumped on Gwen’s back, wrapping his limbs around her securely.

“You ‘eard me!” Gwen roared, taking off running once he was settled, making him shriek in delight at the high speeds she could travel at, effortlessly weaving through the trees and jumping over roots. “Now move your arse!”

Luffy vaguely heard Zoro curse but he just grinned, knowing his swordsman would find them eventually. He always did.

They arrived just in time to see the other Pirates begin making their way up the slope, Usopp and Nami shaking faintly at the top but standing tall even as they did, afraid but not willing to back down.

“Hey Jango!” one of the Pirates shouted to the weird sunglasses guy that had been talking to the butler. “There’s a bunch of teenagers in the way! I thought this was supposed to be a surprise attack!”

“Do I _look_ like a teenager t’ you, shitface?!” Gwen demanded as he got off her back, pulling her guns out and straightening to stand at her full six foot six height as she put her white gun against her shoulder, glaring down at the Pirates with one blazing blue eye. “‘Cause if I do, then you need fuckin’ glasses.”

The sight of the angry tall woman holding two big guns got some of them to pause and eye said guns warily, which only got worse when Zoro emerged from the forest, a dark scowl on his face.

“Who cares!” Sunglasses exclaimed, looking a bit confused as well but shaking it off quickly. “They’re in the way, so kill them! We’re in a rush, Captain Kuro told us to meet him in the village by morning!”

“So that’s ‘is name,” Gwen mused, lifting her black gun to point at the now charging Pirates. “Good t’ know.” she pulled the trigger and three Pirates standing in a line went down in an explosion of gore, falling to the ground with their heads blown wide open.

That got him and Zoro to start moving, the air quickly filling with the snap of rubber, the slicing of steel and the cracks of gunfire.

Luffy punched a guy in the face, feeling his nose break on his fist, a gunshot and a spray of blood and viscera in his peripheral vision making him grin up at Gwen. “Thanks Gwen!” he called, throwing another punch and breaking another nose.

Gwen snorted, barely glancing away as she brought her black gun up from where she had been using it to shoot the Pirates in the slope and smacked one that had snuck up next to her in the face, using the guy’s momentary daze to shoot him in the mouth, not even blinking at the blood that splashed across her face. “Watch your back, shit’ead,” she rumbled over the rapid fire coming from her white gun, scowling lightly. “I can’t be everywhere.”

“That isn’t one of your skills?” Nami snarked from where she was bludgeoning a guy wit her staff. “You sure? Because that seems like something you’d be good at.”

“Har har, fuck you, bitch,” the First Mate snarked right back, turning her head to send the navigator a glare. “You jealous?”

“Of what? Having the Captain grab your boobs in front of others?” the navigator knocked another guy unconscious and turned to return the First Mate’s glare. “No thanks.”

“But Nami isn’t Gwen,” Luffy said, frowning in confusion. “Why would I want to grab her boobs?”

Gwen burst out laughing at Nami’s expression, the navigator looking like she couldn’t decide between being relieved that he didn’t want anything to do with her boobs, and annoyed by the fact he didn’t find them worth grabbing in the first place.

In the end, she decided on relief, because there was no way she would _ever_ want a guy to grab her boobs in front of others. _Ever._

“Men!” Luffy blinked, him and his crew pausing in their fighting and turning to look at Sunglasses, who was still standing in front of the Pirates’ ship and was now holding up and disk on a string. “Look at the disk! At the count of ‘One, Two, Jango’, your wounds will heal and you will grow stronger and stronger!”

“Oi, don’t look at ‘im shit’ead!” he blinked again, looking back at Gwen, who was scowling at him in irritation. “Use your brain for once and don’t look at the fuckin’ ‘ypnotist!”

“But Gwwweeeeennnnn!” he whined, pouting.

“I don’t wanna ‘ear it, shit’ead!” the Exorcist roared, swinging the arm holding the white gun to point it at the gathered Pirates, who were all staring at the swinging disk intently. “It ain’t gonna work, so prepare t’ beat the shit out o’ them!”

“You fool!” Sunglasses called, looking pissed behind his, well, sunglasses. “Never underestimate a hypnotist! One, Two Jango!”

He shouted the last words with a smug smirk on his face, clearly confident in his abilities.

_Aaaaand,_ nothing happened.

Luffy started laughing loudly at the dumbfounded look on Sunglasses’ face when his trick did absolutely nothing, his crew shifting around, clearly confused as well.

“You were sayin’, shitface?” his First Mate said smugly, the smirk on her face and the gleam in her eye making his stomach tighten weirdly, for some reason. He’d ask Gwen why later, she knew stuff like that.

For now, he had a bunch of Pirates to beat up.

* * *

“Shitty fucker,” the scary shooting lady, Constantine, swore, scowling at the wounds on his chest like they had personally offended her. “Damn shittin', cat-fuckin’, bitch-arse son o’ a whore.”

“C-Constantine?” Usopp stuttered, squeaking when the woman glanced up at his face with an irritated frown. “H-How bad is it?”

“You’ll live,” she said bluntly, not even blinking when Luffy draped himself over her back to look at the wounds Kuro had given the liar as well, a frown on his usually cheerful face. “That cat-fuckin’ bitch didn’t do that much damage. They don’t even need fuckin’ stitches.”

“O-Oh,” he stammered, looking anywhere but Constantine’s chest, which was now being squeezed by her Captain. “T-That’s good.”

“You talk like a squirrel ’avin’ a seizure,” the woman told him bluntly as she wrapped his chest in bandages she had gotten from _somewhere_ (He wasn’t sure where), making him drop his head to sulk. “But you surprised me, dickface. A lot o’ fuckers would ‘ave turned tail and ran if confronted with a bunch o’ Pirates wantin’ t’ kill them, so good on ya for not bein’ a pussy.”

“Of course!” he exclaimed, puffing his chest out proudly and immediately regretting it when his injuries screamed at him. Nevertheless, he continued. “The Great Captain Usopp would never run from common criminals!”

“Sure you wouldn’t,” Constantine deadpanned, rising to her towering height and dusting off her pants as she did, pulling out a cigarette and getting it lit before taking a drag, completely ignoring the hands on her breasts. “You’re good t’ go. Gonna check on that friend o’ yours?”

Usopp perked up. Kaya had arrived not long after Kuro had come to see why his crew wasn’t where they were supposed to and maybe threaten them to get them moving. Boy was he surprised to see over half of them dead from either bullet holes or sword wounds, the other half being beaten up by Luffy. He had flown into a rage, attacking him the straw hat wearing boy with his sword-gloves, forcing Zoro to jump in and help his Captain.

Anyway, then Kaya had arrived to try and stop him and he had switched targets, flying at Kaya to slice her up. Usopp had jumped in front of her and had taken the hit, before Constantine killed the Pirate with a well aimed bullet to the neck.

Kaya had been a little shocked, understandably, but she agreed to let the Usopp Pirates take her back to her house while Constantine took care of their wounds, swearing all the while.

“Yeah,” he said, rising unsteadily, shooting Zoro a grateful look when the swordsman grabbed his arm to make sure he didn’t fall. “Will you come too?”

“I’d rather not,” the woman admitted, taking a drag of smoke and shrugging as best she could at the liar’s questioning look. “That butler thinks I’m crazy and I try t’ avoid bein’ near people ‘o think I’m crazy.” she turned her head to look at the head on her shoulder. “You go shit’ead, see if she’ll give us a ship or somethin’. I’ll stay ‘ere.”

“But then Gwen will be all alone,” Luffy pointed out, stretching his neck so he was in front of her and she could turn her head back. “Will you be alright?”

“I ain’t some bitch ‘o can’t find ‘er arse if it’s on fire, shit’ead,” she grumbled, pulling his hands out of her bra, to the liar’s relief. “I’ll be fine. Besides, I wanna see if the chalk in these ‘ere cliffs can be used in circles.”

“Oh, alright then!” Luffy beamed, his neck snapping back to a more acceptable length as he slid off her back and that was that. He, Luffy, Zoro and Nami all walked in one direction while Constantine walked in the other, already scanning the stone walls with a critical eye.  
  


Usopp lead his group back to Kaya’s house, where they were greeted by Merry, the remaining butler, with a warm smile. They stayed the night and in the morning Merry gave the Pirates a gift.

“It’s called the Going Merry,” the sheep-like man exclaimed proudly as the group looked at the ship with excited eyes. Even Constantine looked pleased, and from what Usopp had been able to gather these past few days, that was not an easy thing to accomplish.

The Going Merry was a beautiful ship, with a red and white striped cross sail and a ram figurehead. The crow’s nest was set at the top of the mast and the area over the crew’s quarters was a wide open space that could be used for anything. The top parts of the ship was surrounded by white painted railing, keeping the two cannons one either side from falling into the water. There was also a cannon under the figurehead.

“She’s a caravel, an older model, but still one of the fastest types on the sea,” the butler continued, before turning to Constantine, who up until now had been avoiding the man. “You are the Captain, correct?”

“No,” she deadpanned, jerking her head to Luffy, who vibrating next to her. “‘E is.”

“Oh,” Merry blinked, looking embarrassed and turning to Luffy with an apologetic expression. “Of course, my apologies.”

“It’s fine Sheep-Dude,” Luffy assured, giving him a big grin. “Hey, is there a room with a bed?”

“Well, there’s the Captain’s Quarters, but I imagine you’ll want to turn it into a room for the women to sleep i-“ he didn’t get to finish, because Luffy immediately grabbed Constantine’s hand and started pulling her towards the ship.

“Come on Gwen, let’s have sex!” the Captain cheered, completely oblivious to the violent sputtering his words garnered, with Usopp and Kaya both going red in the face and Merry’s eyes bulging out of his head.

As the only ones who had had an idea of why Luffy was asking that to begin with, Nami and Zoro just sighed and exchanged long suffering looks.

“‘Old you ‘orses shit’ead, we ‘ave better things t’ do right now than fuck!” Constantine roared at her Captain, using her superior height to grab Luffy by the scruff of the neck and lift him up, effectively stopping his pursuit.

“But Gwen!” he pouted, kicking out his legs. “You said-!”

“I know what I said shit’ead, but by God’s tits, learn some restraint!” the woman snapped, shaking the teen violently in her grasp as she glared at him. “Get things sorted out first, then fuck. Got it?”

“Got it,” he sulked, looking very much like a kicked puppy.

“Good,” the woman declared, letting go of his shirt and letting him drop to the ground, turning around to address Merry again. “So, ‘ow do you sail this thin’?”

Once Merry had shaken off the shock of someone being so blunt about their intent to sleep with someone (and Nami had joined Constantine in listening) he explained everything to the First Mate and navigator, from how the sails were operated to how the water filtration system worked.

(He also, tentatively, suggested the Captain and First Mate used some of the extra space between the men’s quarters and the bow of the ship to make a small room for them to sleep in, and explained how to do it to an exasperated Constantine and an excited but not really listening Luffy.)

Then they packed up, got some more food and supplies from the village, and got ready to leave.

“This is it, I suppose,” Usopp said, looking up at the ship and its passengers from the ground with a sad but determined look on his face. “Hopefully we’ll see each other on the sea.”

“What are you talking about?” Luffy asked, once again preached on his First Mate’s back and giving him a sunny grin. “Hop on! You’re part of the crew now, right?”

Constantine snorted as he teared up and got on. “Knew you’d join eventually, dickface,” the First Mate said coldly, but there was a sharp smirk on her face. “Only a matter o’ time.”

“Yep!” Luffy chirped, before looking to Constantine with big eyes that made it pretty clear what he wanted.

The woman just sighed, made sure the three of them knew what to do, and then let herself be dragged below deck by the hand with a vaguely annoyed look on her face.

They stared after them when the hatch slammed closed, two of them deadpan, one unsure and embarrassed.

“That’s going to be a thing, isn’t it?” Usopp asked, getting nods from the other two. He sighed. “Guess I better work on soundproofing.”

The first of many violent swears came from below deck and they all cringed, Nami looking to him with a serious look. “Tell me what you need and I’ll pay for it. No interest.”

Zoro nodded solemnly. “I’ll help build it.”

The swears turned into a high pitched moan and they cringed even harder.

What the hell had he gotten himself into?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I'm ever gonna write the actual sex, but if I do, it'll be posted as it's own thing and not in this story, if that makes sense.
> 
> Hope you like it and please leave a comment!
> 
> See Ya - TheGirlyDJ
> 
> P.S: I have written the sex. It's the second part of the series. Take a look :3


	8. Let me Teach you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A surprise blowjob somehow wormed its way into this chapter.
> 
> Well, more of 'surprise implied blowjob', but still, just a warning if you don't like that sort of thing. Although if you don't, then you really shouldn't be reading this story, because there's probably going to be a lot more where that came from.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

When they emerged from below deck, Constantine had a giant bruise on her throat.

“Have fun?” Nami couldn’t help but ask, grinning wickedly at the glare she got in return.

“Could ‘ave been worse,” she grumbled, adjusting the sleepy Luffy on her back. “‘E’s a quick learner.”

“And that’s all I want to know about that,” she said firmly, because she did _not_ need to know how good Luffy was in bed.

“You sure?” Constantine asked slyly, a shit eating grin on her face. “So you don’t want to know that ‘e can stretch ‘is-”

“NO I DON’T!” she screamed, making Luffy snort and lift his head from Constantine’s shoulder to blink blearily at the thief. “I DON’T NEED TO KNOW _ANYTHING_ ABOUT HIS DICK, _THANK YOU VERY MUCH!”_

“I was gonna say tongue, but fine, if you insist,” the taller woman drawled, smirking evilly before turning to the teen rubbing his eyes on her back. “Finally up, shit’ead?”

“Yeah,” Luffy yawned, plopping his head back on Constantine’s shoulder with a goofy smile. “Ne, Gwen, can we have sex again? I liked it.”

“Sure thin’ shit’ead,” the woman agreed, the two of them paying no attention to the sputtering of Usopp, the liar having walked into the galley just as the Captain asked the question. “But only when there ain’t anythin’ else goin’ on and I’m not workin’ on somethin’, got it?”

“Got it,” he nodded, then perked up when the thief started putting plates on the table. “FOOD!”

Constantine rolled her eye as she sat down and the rest of the crew scrambled to defended their food from the ravenous Captain.

* * *

The rest of the day was a little calmer, with Gwen actually managing to wrangle Luffy into sitting down and making a schedule for the watch and who does the laundry when and things like that, and when he tried to wiggle out of it she said: “You’re the Captain, shit’ead, and it’s your fuckin’ job t’ make decisions. So fuckin’ make them.” making the teen pout but sit down.

When she was finally satisfied, about two hours later, she didn’t leave the galley, instead pulling out some paper and a pencil from wherever she kept her things and start to draw a bunch of patterns. That made Luffy pause in running for the door and turn to blink at the Exorcist. “Why are you drawing Gwen?”

“I want t’ reinforce the ship, make it ‘arder t’ damage,” the woman explained absentmindedly, her focus on the shapes and symbols she was etching into the paper, from circles to triangles to half moons. “But every ship is different, from size t’ wood t’ shape. That means I need t’ make a circle that’ll work for Merry and t’ do that I need t’ experiment a little, see what works and what doesn’t, plus find out where t' paint them, because just one won't be enough.”

“Oh,” he said, walking over to her to peer at the paper. “Can I watch?”

“Sure, I was gonna do it on the deck. Fresh air ‘elps me think,” she grabbed the paper and stood up, walking outside at an even pace. “Oi, Dickface! Weather-Bitch! Sword-Wanker! I’m gonna do some work, so don’t you fuckers interrupt it!”

Luffy snickered at the yells of outrage the three mentioned people let out at the not so flattering nicknames Gwen had bestowed upon them. “Don’t be mean Gwen!”

“They can take it,” was all she said as she walked down to lean against the mast, her long legs spread out in clear invitation. He grinned and with much wiggling and cursing, they ended up with Luffy leaning against her front, his head pillowed on her boobs and her right arm wrapped around his shoulders, holding him to her.

“‘Old this shit’ead,” she rumbled, their close position letting him feel the vibrations of her voice as she handed him the paper.

“Sure!” he chirped, grabbing it and ignoring the tingling feeling hearing her rumbling voice shot up his spine. Mostly because he now knew it had something to do with sex and Gwen had said no sex while she was working on something, which she was clearly going to do. “Why?”

“T’ make it easier for me t’ do this,” she deadpanned, and then she put her left hand over the paper and made a motion like she was slamming the heel of her palm against something and the drawings started glowing bright orange and floating off the paper.

“SO COOL!” he yelled, ignoring the feeling of the paper in his hand burning away in favour of staring at the floating symbols with stars in his eyes.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” Gwen said, and he could hear the smugness in her voice as she waved her hand and made the symbols go from floating horizontally over their legs to vertically in front of them, a snap of her fingers making every symbol except for the circle go off to the side. “Now, you can ask what a symbol does and why a pattern ‘as t’ be a certain way, but other than that, stay quiet and don’t move too much.”

He nodded to show he understood and Gwen got to work, spreading the fingers of her left hand out and making the circle much bigger, about as wide as he was tall, and then started grabbing the other symbols out of the air and putting them in the circle, making them bigger and smaller with a gesture, moving lines or dots and even drawing new ones in the air if she needed to.

There was a beauty to it, to the way she would twist her hand just so to make symbols and patterns slot together, her movements fluid and done almost without thought as her eye flickered over the lines and her mind discarded ideas and plans as quickly as new ones formed.

Through this whole process, Luffy was quiet, sometimes asking the woman what symbol did what and why it only did it if placed a specific place in the circle, that kind of thing, mostly content to just stare in fascination at the slowly forming circle.

“What does that one do?” he’d ask, pointing at a symbol that looked like an N with depression.

“If you put it ‘ere, it ‘elps with the flow o’ power,” she’d respond, moving the symbol with an easy move of her hand. “But if you put it ‘ere, it’ll make the whole thin’ blow up.”

“Why?” he’d ask, knowing he’d most likely not understand it but wanting to see the way Gwen’s face relaxed into a small smile as she explained the Rules of the Runes. Sure enough he’d never be able to keep up with Gwen’s explanations, but that was okay, because her voice was smooth and soothing, making him relax against her and marvel at the fact that his feet came to her ankles and his head to her chest. She was one of the tallest women he had ever seen, taller then Makino and Nami by quite a bit and certainly taller than Luffy himself, who wasn’t very tall to begin with. It made her hugs all the better, because it meant she could completely cover him with her body and hide him from the world, which reminded him of Ace and those were the best kind of hugs.

Slowly they were joined by the others, first Zoro coming back from training and settling against the wall opposite them, then Usopp coming back from exploring the ship and sitting against the railing, and finally Nami, having checked their equipment and made sure it all worked properly, coming and sitting on the stairs.

And even though they probably figured out it was okay to ask questions from Luffy doing it and not getting yelled at, they all stayed quiet, simply watching Gwen work with awe filled eyes, even if Zoro hid it better than the other two.

It was almost dark when Gwen finally finished and Zoro was the only one still on the deck with them, having fallen asleep against the wall sometime after Usopp had gone into the men’s room to put away his stuff and Nami going into the galley not long after that to start on dinner.

“There,” she rumbled, making him perk up from where he had been playing with her fingers to look at the finished circle, which looked so complicated it burned his eyes. Or maybe that was just the light. “Done. Now I just need t’ figure out the places to paint it on the ship and we’ll be set.”

“Cool,” he said, watching her shrink the circle and lower it onto a blank piece of paper, where it then sunk into the paper. “But tomorrow, right?” he craned his head to frown at her. “It’s late and you’ll just work all night if you start now, so you’re doing it tomorrow. Captain’s orders.”

“Aye aye, Captain,” she rumbled, the sound once again making him tingle in places he had never paid any attention to before meeting Gwen. “Food first, then sleep?”

“Yup!” he nodded, turning around in her grip and fully intending to latch onto her like a koala, but only managing to get his arms around her neck before he paused and looked up at her innocently. “Hey, Gwen, why do I get all tingly when you talk?”

“When I talk?” she parroted, raising an eyebrow and giving him a smirk that made his stomach tighten. “What, like this?” the last part was rumbled, the sound deep and sending vibrations and tingles through him.

“Uh huh,” he nodded, squirming slightly and vaguely noting that Zoro had disappeared. “And my stomach gets all tight when you smirk like that and back on Usopp’s island when you were mocking that Sunglasses guy.”

“Does it now?” she asked, her voice still a rumble and her smirk growing slightly as she lowered her head so she was right next to his ear. “That’s arousal, Love,” she purred, moving her hands to grab his upper thighs and maneuver his legs so they were laying over her hips, his groin pressed to her stomach. “My voice excites you, don’t it? Makes this,” he gasped and pulled himself closer to her when one of her hands pressed against his dick through his shorts. “Get ‘ard and twitch, right?” he nodded against her collarbone, trying to thrust into her hands and making her chuckle, the deep sound vibrating through him and making him twitch against her palm. “That’s good t’ know. Want me t’ do somethin’ ‘bout it?”

“I thought you only wanted to have sex in a room?” he puzzled, shivering when she chuckled again.

“Sex ain’t the only way t’ get off, Love,” she rumbled, moving her hands to his hips and using her grip to make him grind against the abs hidden by her shirt, making him groan into her ear and press against her eagerly, wanting more of that feeling. “Want me t’ show you?”

“Yeah,” he groaned, trying to grind against her even with her hands stopping him. “Yeah, I want that. Say stop if I don’t like it, right?”

“That’s right,” she approved, lifting her head away from his ear to look at him with one gleaming blue eye. “Good on ya for rememberin’, shit’ead,” she grinned and he felt her muscles tighten under his thighs. “Gotta give you a reward for that.”

“Rewar-? Woah!” he yelped, tightening his grip on her neck when she stood up and turned around to press him against the mast, her eye filling with a familiar hunger he had only seen once before and made his dick twitch at the memories it brought up. “Gwen?” he asked, slightly confused.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it Love,” she rumbled, tugging on his thighs. “Let go o’ my neck for a second, alright? Wanna get your legs over my shoulders.”

“Oh, okay,” he said, loosening his grip and watching her go on her knees as she lifted his legs to lay over her shoulders, making her eye level with his crotch and his rapidly hardening dick. “Now what?”

“Now,” she rumbled (And _wow,_ that close to that particular part of his anatomy the vibrations made him groan) and grinned at him as she started pulling the zipper down with her teeth. “I show you what a cocksucker does.”

* * *

“You know it’s supposed to work the other way around, right?” Zoro suddenly said, making her hum and give him a questioning glance from where she was painting the circle she had made the day before on the deck behind the galley.

“What is?” she asked, quickly returning her gaze to the brush in her hand.

“It’s getting laid that’s supposed to relax you,” he said, forcing her to move the brush away from the wood so her snort didn’t make her mess up. “Not sucking someone’s dick.”

“I ‘appen t’ like suckin’ dick, Sword-Wanker,” she deadpanned, putting the final touches on the circle while the swordsman finished sputtering about the name she had given him. “‘Avin’ that much power over a person is a rush.”

“True enough,” she shot him a look and he shrugged, giving her a small grin that made her snort and return it.

“Like guys then?” she couldn’t help but ask, slamming her hand down and pouring Magic into the circle, making it glow bright purple.

“Never cared too much either way,” he shrugged again, watching the circle burn itself into the wood with interest. “But I've been with more guys than girls.”

“Good t’ know which way you swin’,” she said, finally straightening out of her crouch, stretching her arm over her head and groaning at the feeling of her back popping. She gave him a sly grin. “You saw us then?”

“I saw you kneeling with Luffy’s legs over your shoulders and holding a hand over his mouth,” he deadpanned, giving her a slight glare. “Wasn’t hard to figure out what was going on.”

“Suppose not,” she just shrugged, not really caring, and let her arms drop to her sides to fish out a fag. “Well, that’s the last one.” she said after inhaling a lungful of smoke, looking down at her handiwork with a small simmer of pride. “Now this ship o’ ours will be able t’ take one ‘ell o’ a beatin’ before gettin’ so much as a scratch.”

“Nice,” Zoro commented, studying the circle, which now looked like it was just a pattern in the wood, with interest. “You know, I listened to you explaining it to Luffy and I still don’t understand how it works.”

“It takes more than one half-arsed lesson t’ understand ‘ow the fuck Magic and Runes work, dipshit,” she drawled, smirking at him. “I can teach you some more, if you want?”

“Nah, I’m good,” he dismissed, picking up one of his ridiculously oversized weights to move them back to where they were before, which was where she had just painted the circle. “You take care of the magic bullshit and I’ll stick to cutting things.”

“Prolly a good idea,” she said, the two of them moving towards the main deck once he had put everything in its place. “We’d be fucked if we switched, ‘cause the biggest blade I’ve ever used is a dagger. I don’t know jack shit ‘bout fightin’ with a sword, and you ain’t got a drop o’ Magic in ya. It’d be a shitshow.”

Zoro’s chuckle made her grin, before they arrived at the deck and were greeted by the sight of Luffy hunched over a black piece of cloth, a paintbrush in hand and his tongue sticking out in concentration.

“That better not be one o’ mine, shit’ead,” she called, making the Captain’s head shot up to grin at her. “What are you even doin’?”

“Making our flag!” he chirped cheerfully, holding up the black cloth in front of him proudly. “Look!”

 _“That’s_ our flag?” Zoro asked, looking at the monstrosity in front of them in disbelief.

“You can’t draw for shit, shit’ead,” she told him bluntly, taking the flag from his hands and giving the misshapen mark on it a disgruntled look, before vanishing it with a flick of the wrist. “Then again, I’m only good at drawing shapes and symbols, so I guess we ‘ave that in common. Oi, Dickface!” she shoved then now blank piece of cloth at the sniper, ignoring his protests at the nickname. “You drew that mark o’ yours, right? Then draw ours and don’t you dare try anythin’, got it?”

He gulped at the glare she gave him, but nodded. “Of course! In fact, I have been drawing graffiti for fifty years!”

“Just do it, you fuckin’ idiot,” she grumbled, sitting down cross legged on the deck and leaning against the mast, rolling her eye when Luffy plopped down in her lap and grabbed her arms to wrap them around him, snuggling back into her front as he watched his sniper draw their flag.

“Much better,” she commented, smiling lightly at the grinning skull and crossbones with a straw hat on top of it, Luffy practically vibrating with excitement in her arms.

“Nice work Usopp!” Nami complimented, smiling at the proud sniper. “Can you paint it on the sails as well?”

“Such a task is easy for the Great Captain Usopp!” the self proclaimed Captain announced, making her roll her eye as he quickly painted the same mark on their sails, hoisting the flag as well while he was at it and proclaiming to all that they were Pirates.

“Nice,” she deadpanned, before lifting Luffy out of her lap, to which he pouted. “Alright shit’ead, move. I gotta expand the pantry so there’s more room for food, because with your fuckin’ appetite we’ll need all the space we can get.”

“You can do that too?” Nami asked, surprised. She rolled her eye again. “‘Ow do you think I fit so many things in my pouch? There’s circles sown int’ the fabric that expand the inside without affecting the outside. I’ve got some ink left over from this mornin’, so I don’t ‘ave t’ make more.” she pinned Luffy with a look. “Which means you’ll need t’ find somethin’ t’ entertain yourself with, shit’ead.”

“Alright!” he chirped, bouncing over to Usopp, who had some down from the sails. “Usopp! Let’s check out the cannon!”

“Wait ‘alf an ‘our before firin’ it shit’ead!” she called, already moving towards the galley. “I don’t need explosions makin' me mess up!”

“Got it!” he cheered, dragging the poor sniper after him.

She snorted but let it go, trusting the teen to at least listen to her on this.

Forty minutes later, there was a guy with sunglasses trashing the deck.

_For fuck’s sake._


	9. Out of my way, Idiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for my headcanon of Gwen in the DCAU, but there were spoilers in it, so I took it down.

“Come out you Pirate scum!” the guy on the deck yelled, swinging his sword around and trying to destroy things. The key word there was trying, because Gwen was awesome and had made the Merry almost impossible to damage.

“Stop attacking our ship!” Luffy yelled, throwing the guy into the railing so hard it would have probably broken if Gwen hadn’t reinforced the entire ship.

“What the fuck is goin’ on!?” Gwen demanded, bursting out of the galley with pistols drawn and a scowl on her face. “I leave you alone for less than an ‘our and you’ve got someone wreckin’ the ship?!”

“Johnny? That you?” Zoro called, making the two of them pause and turn to the swordsman coming out of the galley behind the First Mate. 

“Big Bro Zoro!” the guy, apparently name Johnny, exclaimed, looking up at the swordsman in surprise.

“You know this guy Zoro?” Luffy asked, looking curiously at the black haired man.

“Yeah, we worked together as bounty hunters for a bit,” he explained, giving the man a puzzled look. “Where’s Yosaku?”

The man burst into tears and Gwen rolled her eye, holstering her guns and muttering about idiots under her breath.

Luffy was just confused.

* * *

“‘O the fuck doesn’t know ‘bout scurvy!?” Constantine exclaimed incredulously, staring (Or rather, glaring) down at the kneeling Yosaku and Johnny, both of whom were sporting rather impressive lumps on their heads. “That disease stopped bein’ a problem for sailors fuckin’ _decades_ ago! ‘Ow the fuck did this dipshit get it?! Are you fuckin’ idiots?!”

“We’re sorry,” they chorused, heads bowed and hands resting on their knees. “We’ll remember next time!”

“You’ve better, you pair o’ twats!” the First Mate sneered, taking a deep breath when Luffy pulled himself onto her back and wrapped his limbs around her, putting his head on her shoulder. “Why do you always jump on my back, shit’ead?”

“Because you’re comfy,” the Captain answered, giving her a bright grin. “And tall. I like being tall.”

“Now you do,” she huffed, giving the two kneeling bounty hunters one last glare before turning to look at Luffy. “Wait until you ‘ave t’ walk through a door that’s shorter than you are and then we’ll see ‘ow you like it.”

“Also, it lets me do this,” he continued, like Constantine hadn’t spoken, and shoved his hands down her shirt to grab her tits.

“WHAT THE HELL?!” Zoro snorted at his friends’ reaction, because by now he had gotten used to Luffy randomly groping his First Mate and wasn’t really bothered by it, making it much easier to appreciate how funny the reactions of others were.

Nami apparently didn’t share his sentiment, because while Constantine just rolled her eye and muttered, “I should ‘ave fuckin’ known.” the navigator screeched at them to, “STOP DOING THAT DAMMIT!”

“Why the fuck are you so bothered by this Weather-Bitch?” Constantine snapped, turning to glare at the other woman. “I get that it ain’t exactly somethin’ most women would be alright with, but for fuck’s sake, it’s my body, not yours, and I don’t give a shit ‘bout ‘im grabbin’ my tits, so why the ‘ell do _you?”_

“I-“ she froze, mouth opening and closing as she tried and failed to come up with a good reason. “It’s... It’s just not proper.” she finally mumbled, crossing her arms and frowning off to the side.

“We’re Pirates,” the taller deadpanned, raising an incredulous eyebrow. “‘O gives a fuck ‘bout proper?”

The navigator scowled, huffing out a, “Whatever.” and ducking her head to glare at the deck, likely so she didn’t have to look at Luffy squeezing Constantine’s tits.

Luffy just blinked at the exchange, shrugging when the two women finished and stretching his neck to put his head in front of Constantine’s, which was still creepy as hell. “Hey Gwen, I’ve been thinking.”

“That’s dangerous,” the woman quipped immediately, making the swordsman snort. “Your brain alright?”

“Eh? Yeah, it’s fine, why wouldn’t it be?” he kept going. “Anyway, there’s one more position that needs to be filled before we can go to the Grand Line.”

“And it ain’t a musician,” Constantine shot down bluntly, making the teen’s neck snap back to its normal length as he pouted. “I get you want one shit’ead, but we need to fuckin’ prioritise and a musician ain’t important right now. Tell me,” she looked around at all of them, her eyebrow raised. “Can any o’ you cook?”

Silence was her answer.

“Thought so,” she drawled, reaching a hand up to tug on the pouting Luffy’s hair. “Cheer up shit’ead, and look at it like this. If we get an experienced cook, they’ll be able t’ make more food for you t’ eat.”

“We’re getting a cook!” Zoro snorted yet again, smirking almost fondly at how easy his Captain was to convince. “Nami! Find us a cook!”

“How?” the mentioned woman asked, throwing her hands in the air. “I’m not Magic you know! I need to know where to go to get us there! I can’t just pull a cook out from under my fucking skirt!” the Captain looked down at the aforementioned skirt intently. “STOP LOOKING YOU DAMN IDIOT!”

“Uhm, excuse me?” Constantine turned, along with Zoro, Usopp and Nami, to look at the two bounty hunters on the floor, who were still looking at the First Mate and Captain with a bit of shock. “There’s a floating restaurant not far from here called the Baratie. Perhaps one of the cooks would be interested in joining your crew?”

“Food!” Luffy cheered, twisting his head to look at Nami with a big grin. “Nami! Get us to the restaurant!”

The navigator sighed but went to get the location of the restaurant out of Johnny and Yosaku while Constantine pulled Luffy’s hands off her tits and Usopp went into the crow’s nest, knowing full well Nami would chase him into it if he didn’t do it himself.

Meanwhile, Zoro decided to take a nap.

* * *

“So, want do you think?”

“It looks stupid,” Gwen said bluntly, gnawing on a cigarette as everyone but Luffy, who was sitting on her back and laughing, gaped at the restaurant in front of them.

“No it doesn’t Gwen!” he argued, turning his head to pout at her. “It’s a big fish! It’s awesome!”

“I ain’t in the mood for you shoutin’ in my ear, shit’ead,” she grumbled, leaning her head away from him. “Stop doin’ it or get off.”

He frowned at her, finally noticing how tense she was under him. “What’s wrong Gwen? Is it another ghost?”

“No,” she exhaled harshly through her nose and lifted a hand to rub at her eyepatch. “No, it’s not that. I’m just feelin’ bitchy right now.”

“Oh,” he said, wondering why she would be feeling like that before his face lit up with an idea. “Ne, are you bleeding from your vagina?”

Someone behind them started coughing violently, but he didn’t bother to turn around, because Gwen was chuckling under him and giving him a tired smile. “Yeah, shit’ead, I am. ‘Urts like a bitch.”

“Chocolate helps, right?” he asked, frowning as he tried to remember what she had told him back when she explained what sex was. “Should we get you some in the restaurant?”

“That’d be nice,” she said, still giving him a small smile that made something in his stomach do weird flip flops. He grinned, opening his mouth to ask her what that feeling was, but he was interrupted by a shadow being cast over the Merry, making the two of them look up to see what it was.

“Marines?” he heard Zoro say, making him tilt his head curiously. So this was a Marine ship? “All the way out here?”

“Well, if this shit’ole’s as good as Dumb and Dumber say it is,” Gwen began, the nicknames she had giving the bounty hunters making him snicker and the two mentioned sputter indignantly. “Then I imagine they’re ‘ere for the food.”

“I am Iron Fist Fullbody, a Lieutenant of the Marines, but you can just call me ‘Sir’.” the pink haired Marine on the ship called down, eyes landing on him and Gwen. “You there! Who is the Captain of this ship?! I don’t recognise your flag!”

He slid off Gwen’s back and took a step towards the railing, looking up at the Marine from under his Hat. “I’m Monkey D. Luffy!” he called, feeling Gwen step up to stand behind him at his side and vaguely noticing Zoro keeping Usopp from stepping up as well. “We only made our flag the day before yesterday!”

“Upstart Pirates,” he sneered, giving them a disgusted look before his gaze flicked to Johnny and Yosaku. “You’re those small time bounty hunters, right? Figures you’d be caught by Pirates.”

“Small time?!” the two men echoed indignantly but the man ignored them, instead shifting his gaze to once again look at Gwen, narrowing his eyes.

“I’ve seen you before…” he mused, making his First Mate quirk an eyebrow.

“I doubt that,” she drawled, fishing out a cigarette and lighting it quickly with a match, sucking in some smoke before giving him a mocking smirk. “I’d remember someone ‘o looks as stupid as you.”

The Marine scowled, looking ready to say something, but he got interrupted by a blonde woman in a red dress walking up beside him and putting a hand on his arm. “Let’s just go to the restaurant, Dear,” she said, her voice soft and high and not at all like Gwen’s, which was rough and deep and much nicer to listen to.

“Alright,” the Marine agreed, letting the woman lead him away before turning to one of his men. “Sink their ship.”

“Sir yes Sir!” the Marine saluted and they set about doing just that, quickly loading a cannon and firing it at them.

Except Gwen didn’t look worried, she just rolled her eye and continued smoking as the cannonball hurtled towards them, so Luffy shrugged and jumped on her back again, grinning when he felt a pair of large hands grab the underside of his thighs, holding him steady.

“Calm down, Dickface,” his First Mate drawled at the panicking sniper. “It’ll rebound.”

And sure enough it did, striking some kind of invisible shield that lit up bright purple upon impact and sent the projectile flying back towards its senders, who all scrambled to avoid it as it hit the deck and exploded through the floor, sending wood and Marines flying.

“See?” Gwen snarked at the gaping crew. “Now can we fuckin’ dock? I need some fuckin’ ‘ot chocolate.”

* * *

On a restaurant like the Baratie, it was not uncommon for a fight to break out. Mostly between Sanji himself and whichever customer was stupid enough to waste food in front of him, which more often than not got him yelled at by the other cooks, who didn’t understand his disgust at the act, or the shitty geezer, who did understand, but yelled at him anyway because he was annoying like that.

What was less common however, was a fight breaking out between two customers. Especially if one of them was a woman.

And oh, what a woman it was.

Towering over almost everyone else at a comfortable six foot six, hair as red as fresh roses and styled close to her head in a boyish cut, her one visible eye a pale cornflower blue with a black eyepatch hiding the other from the world, wearing a knee length black trench coat, black slacks and shoes, and a purple dress shirt that was unbuttoned near the top and showed off her bountiful cleavage with just a hint of bra and the black tie resting snugly between her breasts, the beauty currently scowling at the visibly cowering Marine truly was a sight to behold.

Now if only the short teen clinging to her back like a leach wasn’t there, then it would all be perfect.

“Listen ‘ere you piece o’ shit,” the woman rumbled lowly, her voice rough in the same way Sanji’s was, signaling a heavy smoker, and her words coloured by an accent he had never heard before but would absolutely listen to if it came from this gorgeous creature. “I’m bitchy, I’m ‘ungry, I need some _fuckin’_ chocolate and _you,”_ the last word was said in a growl and accompanied by a glare that made the pink haired man whimper. “Are in my _fuckin’_ way. So _piss off.”_

The teen on her back snickered strangely, grinning from his place on her shoulder. “Yeah, Marine guy!” he cheered, stupidity written all over his face. “Stop keeping us from the food!”

The green haired brute standing next to the woman snorted, a smirk tipping his lips. “You heard the Captain,” he addressed the Marine, unsheathing the white sword at his waist just slightly with his thumb and honestly, who uses _three_ swords? “Move.”

Their companions, a black haired boy with a long nose and a lovely young woman with orange hair, were standing just behind them, looking resigned to their crewmates antics and that’s when Patty came up with a blindingly fake smile and welcomed the newcomers.

“Welcome, you horrid scumbags! My name is Patty and I’ll be seating you. That is, if you’re going to pay.”

“Yeah, we are,” the woman, who he could only assume was the Captain, told the man, before shooting a glare at the Marine. “This fucker is just tryin’ t’ start a fight.”

As the Marine sputtered indignantly, Patty nodded. “I see. In that case, kindly follow me honoured customers.”

“Food!” the teen on the woman’s back cheered, letting her carry him as they walked, because he clearly didn’t know how to treat a lady, and didn’t even bother to get off of her once they were at the table, crawling around so he was sitting in her lap instead and grinning like a fool.

To the cook’s surprise, the woman didn’t push him off, only rolling her eye and wrapping one arm around him, letting the other rest on the table.

He then decided that if the men around them weren’t going to show the two gorgeous ladies the appreciation they deserved, then he would.

“Heeelllloooooo ladies!” he sang, dancing over to their table and getting a scowl from the tallest of them and bewildered looks from the rest. “What can I do for you lovelies today?”

“Oh ‘ell no,” the tall woman spat, turning to give him a one eyed glare so fierce it froze him in his tracks. “Listen, I don’t care _what_ you’ve been smokin’ t’ make you act like that, but try that shit with me and I will shoot your fuckin’ balls off and _feed them t’ you.”_ she locked eyes with him and seemed to glare into his very soul. “Is. That. _Clear?"_

He nodded, because really, what else could he do?

The woman nodded, satisfied, and then continued in a much more calm tone of voice compared to the growl she had just used. “I’ll ‘ave a ‘ot chocolate, if you serve that.”

“Certainly,” he said, quickly shaking off the surprise and getting back to business. “And to eat?”

The woman hesitated, which, going by the way the guy in her lap twisted around to frown at her in concern, was unusual behaviour for her.

Finally, she said, “Do you know ‘ow t’ make Chicken Pot Pie?” she sounded like she hoped he did, but her face said she had already resigned herself to getting disappointed.

Luckily, he was a much better chef than whatever third-rates she had been served by in the past.

“Yes, I do,” he told her, and watched with a mix of glee and sadness as her mouth went slack with surprise, eye going wide, before her entire face just… relaxed, a small smile lifting her lips and her eye softening. “Would you like to order one?”

“Yeah,” she murmured, her beauty only enhanced by the softness she clearly didn’t express often, if the surprised looks of the people around her were any indication. “Yeah, I do. Thank you.”

He nodded, taking the orders of the others on the table, (Meat for the strawhat kid, Onigiri for the brute, and Seafood Pasta for the lovely redhead and the long nosed kid.) before walking towards the kitchen to place get started on their orders.

“Ne, Gwen?” the strawhat kid asked behind him, a questioning hum following. “Why are you so happy?”

“Me and my Ma used t’ make Chicken Pot Pie every year for my birthday,” was the answer, the woman’s voice wistful. “‘Course I didn’t start ‘elpin’ ‘till I was eight, but it was still my favourite part o’ the day. I ‘aven’t ‘ad any for close t’ seven years now, been too busy t’ make any myself and none o’ the restaurants I've been t’ ‘ave never ‘ad anyone on staff ‘o knew ‘ow t’ make one. I miss it.” that last part, spoken with an edge of sadness and longing he had only ever heard when people were talking about their deceased loved ones, made him resolve to take extra care when making the dish. Sure he would have done it either way, but hearing that it held so much meaning for her just made it even more important that he did it.

“Will you make us one sometime?” one of the others asked, the long nosed kid if he had to guess.

“Sure, Dickface. Sure,” the woman said, her voice still holding an edge of wistfulness.

Then a gunshot rang through the restaurant, follow closely by a cry of pain, making Sanji pause and turn around to look at the commotion.

As it turned out, a dark skinned man with black hair had just shot the pink haired Marine that had tried to start a fight with the woman and her crew.

And judging by the woman’s call of, “Gin?” and the shooter’s return of, “Constantine?!” the two of them knew each other.

Small world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I realized there were spoilers for a plot point in the headcanon, so... ops?
> 
> Anyway, I’ll put it up again once the plot point has been revealed, which honestly shouldn’t be long now, if I can follow my own schedule -_-
> 
> See Ya - TheGirlyDJ


	10. Why are you friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Implied sex! Warning! :3

Luffy looked between Gwen and the guy she apparently knew curiously, wondering what he was to his First Mate.

“The fuck ‘appened t’ you?” Gwen asked, looking the gaunt man over with something close to concern. “You weren’t this thin the last time I saw you.”

“It’s a long story, Constantine,” the man rasped, the gun he had used to shoot the Marine still shaking in his hand. “One I can’t really get into now. Did you get taller?"

Gwen didn’t get to respond, interrupted by the arrival of the green haired guy that had greeted them before, still smiling that fake smile, though now it was aimed at the man Gwen knew.

“Hello, you miserable bastard. I apologize, but I must ask. Do you have any money?”

The man pointed the gun at him. “Do you accept lead?”

“So I assume you can’t pay then,” the man said, and then suddenly Luffy was alone on the chair and Gwen was holding the arm the green haired man had lifted up to punch the guy she knew, her face neutral as she looked at him and held his arm back without much effort.

“No need t’ get violent, mate,” she told him calmly, shoving his arm aside and releasing it in one motion. “I’ll pay for ‘im.”

“Are you sure miss?” the guy asked, once again faking a smile.

“Yeah,” Gwen shrugged, twisting so she was standing sideways between the two men. “‘E’s a friend. ‘S the least I can do.”

“Very well,” the waiter relented with a nod. “You food will be ready soon.”

“Thanks,” she drawled, before turning and putting a hand on the gaunt man’s shoulder. “Let’s get you sittin’ down before you keel over, mate.”

“Thank you,” the man breathed, letting himself be half-lead, half-dragged to the table. “Thank you so much.”

“Don’t mention it,” Gwen grumbled, pulling a chair from an unoccupied table and putting it between Luffy and Usopp. “What kind o’ friend would I be if I didn’t save you from starvation?”

“A shitty one,” the man drawled hoarsely, dragging a bark of laughter from the Exorcist.

“Damn right!” Gwen grinned, casually lifting Luffy up and away from the chair to slip under him, making him grin and cuddle back into her front.

It wasn’t long before their food arrived, brought by the blonde man that had taken their orders and while Luffy was a bit distracted by the glorious meat in front of him, he still looked up at Gwen when a pie that smelled of chicken was placed in front of her and saw the faraway look on her face that made something in his stomach tighten in a way that wasn’t arousal, but that he didn’t know what was either.

“Can I taste?” he blurted out, snapping Gwen out of whatever mood she had fallen into and making her look at him with a raised eyebrow. “I’m surprised you’re askin’, shit’ead,” she drawled, cutting out a piece of the pie and smiling at the scent that hit her, a soft and tender thing that made him want to squirm. “Don’t you usually just take the food you want?”

“Yup,” he chirped, grinning at the groans from the other members of his crew. “But this means a lot to Gwen, which means I can’t take it without asking.”

“Damn shit’ead,” she said fondly, cutting off another piece and putting it in front of him, making him grin.

“Thanks Gwen!” he cheered, feeling her chuckled under him as he ate with gusto, face lighting up at the taste. It was really good! Not as good as meat, but still good.

He finished quickly, he always did, and attacked the food in front of him, managing to get three more pieces of Gwen’s pie before the two of them finished it off. He pouted, because Gwen was stopping him from snatching food by grabbing his wrists whenever he tried to stretch to grab some.

Soon everyone had finished their food and they were just chatting, except for Gwen’s friend, who had been crying softly since he had started eating and had yet to stop, making Luffy look at him curiously.

“Hey Gwen, how do you know him?” Luffy asked, pointing at the crying man and looking up at his First Mate.

“Oh, ‘e killed me once,” she answered nonchalantly, taking a drag of smoke as she tightened her grip on him when he tried to launch himself at the man, eyes dark. “Bashed my ‘ead in with one o’ those tonfa o’ ‘is. Speakin’ o’ which, where are they?” the last part was directed at the man, who was looking very uncomfortable with the glares of both Luffy and Zoro on him, as well as the disbelieving looks of everyone who was eavesdropping on their conversation. “I thought you never went anywhere without them?”

“Ah, well, I did when the Marines caught me,” he said awkwardly, shifting under the angry looks of the two. “So, you became a Pirate?” Gwen snorted at the question, her grip on his waist still tight.

“Yeah, I did. This shit’ead wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I didn’t ‘ave much o’ a choice,” her words were harsh but her tone was fond and normally he would have grinned, but right now, he had something else he needed to do first.

“You killed Gwen?” he asked quietly, glaring at the man from under his hat.

The man winced, shrinking in on himself and dunking his head, but before he could answer, Gwen reached over to slap the back of his head with a roll of her eye.

“Oh get over it dick’ead, it’s in the past,” she snapped, the man listing his head to look at her sheepishly. “I was tryin’ t’ kill one o’ your crew mates, you defended them. ‘S what anyone would ‘ave done.”

“Yeah, well, most people generally don’t become friends with the person they killed,” the man deadpanned, shifting his gaze from Gwen to Luffy. “Yes, I killed Constantine when I first met her. As she said, she was trying to kill a crewmate for their bounty and as Second Mate, I couldn’t let that happen. We had a fight that ended when I caved the back of her head in,” he huffed, giving the woman a mock glare. “And then she didn’t even a the decency to _stay_ dead. Scared the shit out of me when she started cursing me out after falling over dead not even an hour earlier.”

“Your face was amusin’, even if I was a bit too pissed t’ appreciate it back then,” his First Mate drawled, before lightly hitting him on the head, making him look up at her from under his hat. “I’m still alive, shit’ead, and I forgave Gin a long time ‘go. We were fightin’, things ‘appen when you do that. Don’t be pissed at ‘im for that.”

He stared into Gwen’s eye for a bit, before nodding and settling down against her, accepting the fact that she wanted the past to stay in the past. It didn’t really matter anyway, since she had forgiven him and they were friends now.

“Alright, so Constantine forgave you,” Zoro cut in, drawing their eyes. All five of them. “But I think I’m gonna need the full story to not want to kill you.” here, he glared at Gwen’s friend.

Said friend shared a look with Gwen, before shrugging. “Fine by me,” he agreed, because they all knew Gwen didn’t care, before rising from his seat. “But, maybe somewhere more private?”

That made Luffy blink, and he looked around and saw that pretty much everyone in the restaurant were looking at his First Mate like she was insane. He frowned.

“Yeah, okay,” he said, twisting in Gwen’s lap to wrap his arms around her. “Let’s go to the Merry.”

“What, your legs don’t work?” she grumbled, but she still got up and paid the bill before heading for the exit, the others following behind.

Neither of them mentioned how Luffy’s grip got tighter when people started whispering; _“That’s Gwyneth Constantine,”_ and; _“She really_ is _insane,”_

It’s not like they mattered anyway.

* * *

“I met Gin… three years ‘go?” Gwen looked at the man, who nodded in agreement. “Yeah, ‘round three years ‘go. I was eighteen, just startin’ out, and ‘aden’t gotten my reputation as a crazy person yet. Those were the good days.”

They were all sitting in the galley of the Going Merry, scattered around the room to listen to Gwen and Gin’s story, except for Dumb and Dumber, who excused themselves saying they felt it wasn't something they had a right to know.

Gwen was sprawled out on the sofa, her long legs thrown over the armrest and Luffy using her as a mattress, his head pillowed on her tits.

“Anyway,” she continued, taking a drag of her ever present cigarette. “I ‘ad taken up bounty huntin’ as a way t’ get cash for supplies and stuff. Krieg’s crew ‘ad docked on the same island as me that day and I thought, ‘What the ‘ell, why not?’ and picked some random chucklefuck, fuck if I remember ‘is name, t’ be my next bounty.”

“It was comical at the time,” Gin cut in, sitting at the table with Usopp and Nami, Zoro leaning against the wall next to the door, his steely gaze boring into the other man. “There we were, sitting in some random bar on this island, and then the door gets slammed open and in walks this six foot tall woman with the worst sailors mouth any of us had ever heard and announces that she’s there to bring one of us in because, and I quote; ‘I need some easy cash and the Marines ‘ave decided this dumb fuck is worth money, for some shitty reason.’ Pretty sure she shattered his ego.”

“I still don’t get why that shitstain was worth anythin’ more than a damn acorn,” she muttered, ignoring Luffy snickering into her tits. “‘E started crying as soon as I pulled out my guns!”

“To be fair, your guns were bigger than our heads,” Gin said dryly, his comment making the Exorcist grin wildly. “But yeah, we were laughing pretty hard until she pulled out those guns and took aim. I barely had time to block the bullet.”

“We started fightin’ after that,” she picked up, running an absent minded hand through Luffy’s hair. “Was pretty tough, one o’ the toughest fights I’d ‘ad until that point, but I got a few good ‘its in. Pretty sure I broke some ribs and one o’ your arms.”

“You did,” he confirmed, giving her a feral grin. “But I got the best.”

“True,” she shrugged, that a drag of smoke. “Pretty much only ‘ad time t’ think ‘Oh fuck,’ before my ‘ead ‘ad been caved in. Not the nicest way t’ go.”

“I thought that was the end of it,” Gin continued, weathering the glares of the Exorcist’s crewmates admirably. “But I didn’t want someone that good at fighting to become just another body thrown in the sea, so I took her into the forest to find a good place to bury her. Imagine my surprise when she suddenly started coughing violently on my shoulders and swearing profusely.”

“Shoulda seen ‘is face,” Gwen snickered, smirking around her cigarette. “A clown could ‘ave walked up, whipped ‘is dick out and started jerkin’ off and ‘e wouldn’t ‘ave looked half as ridiculous.”

“That’s one hell of an image,” Zoro muttered, looking both impressed with the Exorcist’s colorful description and disturbed by it.

“Like you wouldn’t have started freaking out if a dead body suddenly came back to life on your shoulders,” Gin snapped at the woman, annoyed by her cackling. “That isn’t exactly normal!”

“It is for me!” she cackled, giving him a shit eating grin.

“You’re the opposite of normal, Constantine,” the man said dryly, before continuing. “Anyway, after I was done freaking out and Constantine was done cursing at me, we somehow ended up talking about the most random things. How the hell you managed to turn a discussion about torture methods into a cooking debate I’ll never know.”

“It’s just one o’ my many talents,” she drawled smugly, smirking. “The Krieg Pirates ended up stayin’ for ‘bout three days because some dipshit insulted the Captain or whatever, and I ‘ad t’ keep low, ‘cause if I turned up after getting a giant metal ball smashed int’ my skull, I woulda been fucked.”

“Why?” Luffy asked, lifting his head out of her tits to look at her curiously.

“‘Cause there are a shit ton o’ people in this world that find the idea o’ immortality extremely appealin’, shit’ead,” she grumbled, her expression saying she thought all of those people were fucking morons. “And if someone’s walkin’ ‘round with the secrets t’ livin’ forever stashed in their ‘ead, that someone’s gonna be ‘unted down and tortured ‘till they give it up.”

“Oh,” the Captain said, frowning. “I won’t let them.”

“That’s nice,” she drawled sarcastically, rolling her eye. “What’s next? You gonna fight the Devil for my Soul?”

“Yes,” was the reply, instant and honest and she looked down at the guy on her chest in disbelief. Said guy just frowned harder and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Gwen’s mine,” he said with conviction, jaw set stubbornly. “And that means nobody else can have her, even the Devil. I’d kick her ass.”

Gwen stared down at the impossible bastard who had just revealed he cared enough about her to fight the Devil if he had to and didn’t know what to do other than turn her head away from his intense gaze and look at the wall instead, eyebrows furrowed.

“We kept bumping into each other during those three days,” Gin continued, looking just as uncomfortable with what has just happened between the Captain and First Mate as she felt. “We became fast friends, talking whenever we met, except for that one time when one of our crewmates disappeared,” he shot her a look, to which she just grinned. “That time, we fought again, because it wasn’t hard to figure out she was the reason he was gone.”

“You didn’t give a shit ‘bout that,” she said bluntly, smirking slyly. “You just wanted an excuse t’ fight again.”

“Can’t deny that,” he conceded easily, shrugging. “Still, after that Constantine disappeared and this is the first time I’ve seen her since then, but I knew she wasn’t dead because of the rumors that started popping up about a crazy woman who believed in Demons.”

“You forgettin’ the fact we fucked?” Gwen asked bluntly, drawing a choke from Gin and a blink from Luffy, who turned his head to narrow his eyes at the man and tightened his grip on Gwen’s waist. “I’d like t’ think I’m more memorable than that.”

“That’s-!” Gin sputtered, before glaring at the Exorcist. “Damn it Constantine, you were eighteen! I’m not exactly proud of the fact I slept with someone so much younger than me!”

“Old enough t’ kill, old enough t’ fuck,” she drawled, shooting an annoyed look at Luffy. “Stop squeezin’ me so ‘ard, shit’ead. It ain’t me ‘o’s made o’ rubber.”

Luffy huffed but loosened his grip, burying his head between her tits like a grumpy child.

“I also didn’t want your Captain glaring at me,” Gin deadpanned, making her roll her eyes. “Really Constantine, you know as well as I do that relationships like yours are a bad idea.”

“The fuck is that supposed t’ mean?” she snapped, suddenly pissed at his insinuation, propping herself up on one arm to glare at the man.

“You know what it means, Constantine,” Gin snapped back, before taking a breath and rising from his seat. “It was nice to see you again, but I really have to go. My crew is starving and I need to help them.”

“Fine,” she said reluctantly, still a little pissed but willing to let it go. For now. “Why are you so fucked anyway? Don’t Krieg ‘ave like a dozen ships or somethin’?”

“We went to the Grand Line with fifty ships and over a thousand men,” Gin recounted, a haunted look in his eyes. “A storm made sure we returned with only one ship and one hundred men.”

She raised an eyebrow, even as Nami and Usopp started freaking out and Zoro looked at the other man in surprise, and Gin looked at Luffy, still buried in her tits.

“Hey kid,” he called, making the teen lifted his face out of her chest to look at him. “You plan on going to the Grand Line, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, giving him a grin. “I’m gonna be the King of the Pirates!”

She smiled lightly, because no matter how many times she heard it, it was still an absurd dream and dammit if she wasn’t there for it.

Gin stared at her Captain, at the kid that had wormed his way past her walls made of swears and snark with just one question, and sighed. “With an attitude like that,” he mumbled, pulling open the door to the galley and stepping outside. “You might just make it.”

The door shut behind him and the galley became quiet as they all stared at it, unsure of what to say.

“Hey, Gwen?” she hummed, looking down at her Captain in question. “Can we have sex?”

“And that’s our que to leave,” Nami said before she could answer, jumping up and quickly shooing the other two out. Not that they needed much convincing, eager to get out of the way before they saw more than they wanted to. “Have fun!” was shouted just as the door slammed closed and she blinked at it before turning her head to look back down at Luffy, who had of course stuck his hands up her shirt and started squeezing her tits.

“Any particular reason you suddenly want t’ fuck?” she asked as she settled down on the couch again and wrapped her arms around him, already having a vague idea.

“I don’t like that you had sex with Gin,” he said, blunt as ever and frowning. “Made me feel weird.”

“Prolly jealousy, Love,” she told him, giving him a little smirk. “I’ll explain more after you’ve fucked me through this couch.”

He grinned and surged up to crash their mouths together.

 _‘I really should make that room,’_ floated through her mind, before it got better things to worry about.

**Omake:**

Sanji blinked, watching in bewilderment as three of the five Pirates that had arrived the day before dragged a couch off their ship and gave it what appeared to be a viking funeral.

“What are you doing?” he couldn’t help but ask, and the three turned away from the pyre as one and looked at him with serious eyes.

“Putting it out of its misery,” they said in unison and he decided he didn’t want to know.


	11. You’re supposed to be the smart one!

Luffy laid on Gwen, who was leaning against the railing, his legs thrown over her hips and her arms wrapped loosely around his waist, idly tracing patterns on the tops of her boobs and ignoring Sanji crying at the sky with Yosaku awkwardly patting him on the shoulder in comfort. 

The four of them were on a ship given to them by the old man who ran the Baratie, so they could catch up to Nami, who had left with the Merry for some reason, before that guy Hawk-Eyes had come and sliced Krieg’s ship in half.

He frowned, stopping his idle drawing and propping his chin up on his First Mate’s collarbone to stare up at her face, quietly studying the exhaustion that clung to her features even as she slept soundly, her chest rising and falling rhythmically and her heart a steady drum where he was pressed against her.

She had hated staying at the restaurant, the pain from her abdomen combined with her general dislike for, well… _everything,_ really, had made the experience especially miserable for her, so she hadn’t gotten much sleep except for that one time after they had sex in the galley when her friend Gin had left. After that she had been too on edge to sleep, instead doing a bunch of things with Usopp he didn’t really understand that had started with the two of them standing hunched over a piece of paper with the Merry drawn on it, pointing at something on it and arguing with each other, and ended with Gwen smirking victoriously and rolling up the drawing before sticking her hand out and shaking Usopp’s, smirk never once leaving her face.

He didn’t understand it but that was fine, because Gwen had said it was about that room they could have sex in and that was all he really cared about.

But after they had done that, Gwen had gone straight to work and hadn’t slept for almost the entire time they had been docked at the restaurant, instead working out what circle she would need to expand the space between the men’s quarters and the bow, as well as what kind ink she needed to make to draw it. Because apparently, those kinds of things didn’t have just one design that worked for everything, just a base pattern to start with that then needed to be adjusted to fit the materials of the thing you were expanding and the amount of space you wanted. 

It hurt his brain just thinking about it, but it was nice that she let him lean against her as she worked on the design. He hoped that would be how she always did it from now on.

And then there was the blonde cook he had decided he wanted on his crew.

Gwen’s reaction when he told her that had been… interesting.  
  


First, she had just stared at him blankly, shadows under her eyes from lack of sleep and a brush hanging limply from her fingers.

Then, she had started swearing something fierce for a good minute, before sitting down with him and explaining, somewhat impatiently and with a lot of cursing, that if the blonde chef was joining, then she was going to have a word with him and that was final.

_(“Oh, sure,” he said, grinning sunnily at the clearly tired redhead. “Just don’t kill him, alright?”_

_“No promises, shit’ead,” she grumbled, before blinking blearily down at the paper were she had drawn…_ something. _“The fuck is this bullshit?”_

_He leaned over to see. “Looks like a piece of meat.”_

_“Everythin’ looks like meat t’ you, you fuckin’ moron,” Gwen argued, squinting at him. “...Why are there two o’ you?”_

_“Go to sleep, Constantine,” Nami jumped in form where she was relaxing in a chair. “You’ve been up for two days. You’re seeing things.”_

_“The fuck I ain’t,” the Exorcist barked, rising to her feet and staggering towards the galley. “The shit’ead just found a way t’ multiply is all.”_

_“Go to sleep,” Nami deadpanned, just before Gwen bumped into Usopp and fell right on top of him, asleep before she even hit the ground._

_The sniper’s startled cry made him snicker.)_

And then the next day Gin came back and his Captain was a bastard who threatened to kill everyone in the restaurant if they didn’t leave, because he needed a ship to sail the Grand Line so he could be Pirate King and that’s when Luffy jumped in, because _he_ was going to be Pirate King!

_(“I’m the one who’s gonna be the King of the Pirates!” he yelled hotly, sitting comfortably on Gwen’s back, the woman still looking tired but hiding it by smoking a cigarette and giving Krieg an unimpressed look._

_“Insolent whelp,” the man said, his tone probably intimidating to a normal person. “You think you can stand up to me? I am Don Krieg, the Strongest Man on the Seas!”_

_Luckily, Luffy wasn’t a normal person._

_“I don’t care,” he said bluntly, making Gwen huff quietly under him. “I’m gonna be Pirate King. Not you, not anyone else._ **_Me.”_ **

_“You ‘eard the Captain, dick’ead,” Gwen drawled, her voice still holding an edge of sleep, making it rougher than usual and sending a shiver down his spine. “‘E’s gonna be the Pirate King. So_ **_piss off.”_ **

_“He’s the Captain?” some guy whispered, while the blonde chef gaped at them. “I thought_ **_she_ ** _was the Captain!”_

 _“I ain’t taking credit for this_ **_shit show,”_ ** _Gwen spat, making the two whisperers jump. “That’s all ‘im.” she jerked her head at Luffy._

_“ShiShiShiShi!” he snickered, grinning at everyone. “Yup!” and then, because Gwen clearly enjoyed the reactions (And because he wanted to) stuck his hands down her bra and grabbed her boobs._

_His First Mate rolled her eye, but she still smirked at the pandemonium that ensued.)_

And then, while they were waiting for Krieg to feed his men (And Gwen had kicked their cook in the head for trying to keep her away from the fighting), the Hawk-Eyes guy had come and sliced the other Pirates’ ship in half, making them think it was a freak storm at first when they went outside and saw the damage. 

It was also when they noticed the Merry was gone, before Johnny and Yosaku came a told them Nami had sailed away with her. Gwen had cursed, loudly and violently, before sending them, Usopp and Zoro away to catch up with her.

At least, that was the plan, until the Hawk-Eyes guy came and Zoro challenged him to a fight, because he was apparently the guy he wanted to defeat.

It didn’t go well. And then the man took an interest in Gwen for some reason.

**_(“ZORO!”_ ** _they all yelled, even Gwen, as the swordsman flew back in a spray of blood and crashed into the sea, quickly disappearing beneath the waves._

_The hawk-eyed man that had done it didn’t care, merely sheathing his giant sword before he focused in on the Straw Hat’s First Mate. Or, more specifically, her hair._

_“Girl,” he called, getting a vicious sneer from the woman, who was barely holding Luffy back by a firm grip to his shoulder._

_“What?” she spat, exhaling harshly when the blonde cook emerged from the water with the green haired swordsman in tow, struggling to pull him onto the small boat containing Usopp, Yosaku and Johnny._

_The black haired man said nothing for a time, his gaze roving of her tall frame before once again landing on her short fiery locks. “Tell me,” he began, golden eyes flicking down to lock with a blazing blue one. “Who is your father?”_

_Gwen tensed, her grip on his shoulder becoming so tight it would have crushed his bones if he wasn’t rubber and making him glance up at her in confusion._

_“If you’re askin’ that,” she got out past gritted teeth. “Then you already know the answer, you piss-eyed_ **_bastard.”_ **

_Hawk-Eyes, once again, didn’t say anything right away, instead tilting his head just slightly and studying her._

_“...So I do,” he finally answered, before turning his attention to Zoro and saying something to him that had him lifting up his sword and declaring that he would never lose again._

_He didn’t hear what the golden eyed man said however, shooting his still tense First Mate a confused look before answering Zoro vow. After all, she would tell him if it was important._

_Right?)_

...He didn’t know why it was _that_ exchange that bothered him so much, especially when you considered the way Krieg had talked to her _(“I doubt such a scrawny boy could keep a woman like you satisfied, Constantine.” “And you think a man ‘o needs t’ compensate with fifty giant ships can?”)_ or Sanji’s weird dance that pissed her off, _(“Oh my rose, you are a beauty among weeds!” “You keep that up and you’ll end up missin’ somethin’ important, fucker.”)_ but it just… _did._

“Luffy?” he blinked, craning his head to look up at Yosaku, who was looking at Gwen with a worried frown on his face. “Is Constantine okay? She doesn’t look too good.”

“Ah, yeah, she’s fine,” he said, twisting around in her loose embrace so his back was to her front. She didn’t wake up, just grumbled quietly and tightened her grip briefly before going still again. He didn’t pay it any mind, just grabbing her forearms lightly to keep them in place as he talked to the bounty hunter. “Gwen was just stupid and stayed up for too long, so she’s really tired now.”

“Idiot Captain!” Sanji, his new cook who could kick _really_ hard, snapped at him, though he did it quietly so Gwen didn’t wake up. “Don’t call a woman stupid!”

“But it’s Gwen?” he said, puzzled. “If I don’t she’ll just keep doing stupid things.”

Sanji opened his mouth to argue but a groggy voice cut him off. “‘O’re you callin’ stupid, shit’ead?” Gwen grumbled above him, cracking open an eye a tiny bit to give him a tired glare.

“You,” he said, tilting back his head to blink at her. “You didn’t sleep for two days. That’s stupid.”

“I’ve gone longer than that without any sleep, shit’ead,” she mumbled, probably too tired to do much else. “Two days is _nothin’.”_

“That’s even dumber,” he deadpanned and Gwen huffed quietly in laughter.

“You ain’t got a leg t’ stand on when it comes t’ dumb shit, fucker,” she told him, her words getting progressively less and less understandable as she talked, her eye already sliding shut again.

“Go back to sleep Gwen,” he ordered, wiggling so he was sitting between her leg instead of on them, the woman barely grumbling as he did so. “We’ll wake you when we’re there.”

“You’d better, shit’ead,” she grumbled quietly, already well on her way to falling asleep. “Fuckin’ dumbasses the lot o’ you…” she trailed off, her breathing evening out and her grip on his waist loosening as she fell asleep.

The three guys stayed quiet after that, unwilling to wake the exhausted woman with their talking.

And then a giant half-cow, half-fish came out of the ocean and made her jerk awake with a screamed; “MOTHERFUCKIN’ COCKSUCKER!”

* * *

“Oi, you still alive?” he shook his head to clear it before looking up at Constantine, the woman crouched in front of him and calmly smoking a cigarette, not a hair out of place and looking for all the world like she had just taken a stroll through the woods, instead of crashing into him on a flying ship.

Speaking of which…

“I’m alive, but WHAT THE HELL!” he yelled, glaring when his outburst made the taller snort.

“Yeah, that ‘bout sums it up,” she drawled, rising from her crouch and holding out a hand to pull him up. He took it, still scowling, and dusted himself off when he was back on his feet.

“You sure you’re alright?” he blinked, looking up from his clothes to see the First Mate eyeing the bandages wrapped around his torso critically. He grunted.

“I’m fine, Constantine. Usopp stitched me back up,” he told her, making her eye flick back up to give him a deadpan look, to which he just shrugged before freezing and swearing. “Fuck, Usopp! He’s still with that bastard Arlong!”

“You mean the fishman?” the woman asked just as Luffy and the blonde that Constantine _really_ didn’t like jumped out of the wreckage and walked over to them. “What the fuck does ‘e ‘ave t’ do with anythin’?”

“What does who have to do with what?” Luffy asked, casually jumping on the First Mate’s back and wrapping his arms around her neck, her hands coming up to grab the teen’s thighs to hold him steady, the large appendages almost covering them completely and _damn,_ he honestly hadn’t realised just how _big_ the woman was compared to Luffy. Seriously, the kid only came up to the bottom of her chin and even then she had to lean down slightly for it to touch the top of his head.

Well, at least it showed he wasn’t insecure about his height, like most men in that situation would be, but now wasn’t the time for that!

“Arlong’s a fishman that used t’ be part o’ the Sun Pirates back in the day, before they split up and ‘e formed ‘is own crew,” Constantine started explaining, completely ignoring the seething blonde glaring at the oblivious teen on her back and it was all he could do not to roll his eyes at the other man. He hoped he got over whatever it was he had for the redhead, because she sure as hell wasn’t going to appreciate some twig in a fancy suit getting pissed just because Luffy liked to sit on her back. “Apparently ‘e ‘as somethin’ t’ do with Weather-Bitch, though I couldn’t tell you what.”

“It turns out she’s on his crew,” Zoro told them, making the woman raise an eyebrow and Luffy blink in confusion. “I got caught because of my injuries and Usopp got caught after I got out.”

“Then we’ll just go get him back!” Luffy cheered, grinning form Constantine’s shoulder.

“Yeah, because that’s so fuckin’ easy ain’t it,” Constantine grumbled, but she still hiked the Captain’s legs higher up on her waist and turned to walk in a random direction. “Let’s go then.”

“We’re too late!” that made them stop and turn around to watch Johnny come running towards them, clearly distressed.

“Eh? What are you talking about?” Luffy asked as the black haired man fell to his knees in front of them, panting.

“B-Big Bro Usopp,” he stammered, looking incredibly tired. “H-He’s dead. Big Sis Nami killed him!”

“The fuck?” Constantine’s shocked swear was drowned out by Luffy’s exclamation of, “YOU’RE LYING!”

“Believe what you want!” the man snapped, glaring at the teen as he slid off the woman’s back and stalked towards him. “I know what I saw! Nami killed Usopp!”

“Shut your mouth!” Luffy grabbed the front of Johnny’s shirt and started shaking him. “Nami would never do something like that! She’s our friend!”

“Easy Luffy,” he cut in, not quite willing to let his Captain hurt his friend, even if he was being stupid. “It’s not Johnny fault she turned out to be a traitor. Back off.”

“As much as I don’t like Weather-Bitch-“ Constantine cut in before the argument could escalate, stepping up and covering both of Luffy’s hands with one of her own. “-I know she ain’t the type t’ kill a friend, so whatever you saw, it weren’t ‘er killin’ Dickface.”

“Friend? Don’t make me laugh.”

They turned once again to look at Nami, the shorter redhead standing on a small hill not far from the group, wearing a top that revealed the tattoo on her shoulder.

And of course, the new cook immediately started swooning.

“Stop that,” Constantine ordered, reaching out with a long arm and smacking the man in the back of the head. “Satan’s Balls, if you’re goin’ t’ be like that with every pair o’ tits that come your way, then we need t’ keep you away from any birds we ‘ave t’ fight.”

“Birds?” the blonde parroted and Zoro had to agree. What did birds have to do with anything?

_(Also, Satan’s Balls? Wasn’t the Devil a woman? Then again, if Constantine’s swearing was to be believed, then God had tits, so maybe she just used it both as a swear and an insult?)_

“Slang from my ‘ome,” she explained, pulling her hand back. “Means girls, you dipshit. If we ‘ave t’ fight a woman, then clearly we need t’ keep you away or you’ll die before you even get the chance t’ do anything useful.”

He couldn’t quite keep his snort in, smirking at the blonde cook when he turned to glare at him.

A scream of; “JUST GO AHEAD AND DIE THEN!” brought them out of their attention back to the conversation between Luffy and Nami, which had apparently continued even while Constantine insulted the cook. They watched as the woman stomped off before Constantine turned to look at Luffy. Who was…

Laying on the ground?

“The fuck are you doin’ down there shit’ead?” Constantine asked, seeming almost amused by their Captain’s latest display of idiocy.

“I’m sleepy,” was his answer, before he started giving the tall woman puppy eyes. “Sleep with me?”

Constantine rolled her eye, but that didn’t stop the corner of her mouth from quirking upwards. “I really need t’ teach you ‘bout euphemisms,” she said, bending down to grab a rubbery arm and use it to pull the teen against her front, before putting an arm under his ass for stability and calmly walking over to lean against a rock, the Captain preached on her lap and nuzzling into her tits without shame. “You ‘appy now, shit’ead?”

“Yup!” he grinned and wrapped his arms around her middle. “Goodnight!” and then he was out like a light.

The woman huffed shortly, shifting slightly to get comfortable before doing like the Captain, falling asleep almost as soon as she closed her eyes.

“Well, guess that’s that,” Zoro drawled, sitting down on the ground where he had been standing and putting Kuina’s sword in his lap.

“What do you mean Big Bro Zoro?” Yosaku asked as the cook sat down as well, leaning against a tree and lighting a cigarette. “Did you forget that Arlong’s out to kill us? We have to run away!”

“Yeah!” Johnny exclaimed, looking at him with pleading eyes. “Now that we know what Nami’s really like, there’s no reason for us to stay on this island!”

“My reason for staying is there,” he said, jerking his head towards the sleeping duo. “I staying ‘cause he’s staying. He’s the Captain, which means it’s him who decides who’s on the crew and who isn’t. He says Nami the navigator, than she’s the navigator. End of story.”

The duo stared him down, seemingly unable to comprehend what he had just said, before they glanced at each other and nodded, backing off. “Right, understood. You’re not leaving. Guess this is where we part ways.”

“Yeah,” he shrugged, lifting his hand in a short wave as they walked away. “See ya sometime.”

“Take care Big Bro!” they called.

“You too!” he called back, watching them disappear down the road.

They didn’t talk right away, simply taking the time to relax somewhat after the drama of the day, Luffy’s snores a constant background noise in the quiet that followed the two bounty hunters’ departure.

The cook took a drag of smoke, blowing it out above him before turning his head to look at the swordsman and opening his mouth to speak. “Is the Captain taking advantage of Miss Gwyneth?”

He choked on the air.

**Omake, aka; I liked the ending, but I wanted to throw this in as well:**

He stared blankly at the cook.

...Turned to look at the five foot eight scrawny teen he called his Captain, drooling in his sleep on his two ‘pillows’, and thought about his monstrous displays of strength and his inhuman idiocy.

...Lifted his head up just a little, to the six foot six, badass, foul mouthed, giant-gun wielding owner of said ‘pillows’, and thought about everything she had done since he first met her.

...Looked back at the cook and said, definitely; **“No.”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what you do when a chapter doesn’t want to be written...
> 
> You skip over it and have small flashbacks to all the important parts instead.
> 
> Just a tip for all you other struggling writers out there.
> 
> :3


	12. So... How’ve you been Steve?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took longer than I expected but here it is! I did it!
> 
> _So please leave comments I love them-_

Gwyneth Constantine knew she could come across as a heartless bitch.

And to be fair, most of the time, this assessment wasn’t exactly wrong.

_(People were just so_ stupid _and their justifications for the shit they did was almost always complete_ bullshit _and she just didn’t give enough fucks to even_ pretend _to care about a bunch of idiotic_ douchebags)

However, that didn’t mean she _couldn’t_ care. In fact, she cared a lot, and if anybody actually bothered to look past the scowl and the swearing and the giant guns, that would probably be the first thing they noticed.

_(“You get it from your father,” Ma would say, and she would always look so sad when she did._

_‘Then why isn’t ‘e ‘ere?’ she would think but never say. ‘If ‘e cares so much, then why does ‘e choose to make you sad?’_

_She resolved to ask the next time Ma compared her to her old man._

_But Ma never did.)_

The shithead had known straight away, because he was annoying like that _,_ and Sword-Wanker had clearly cottoned on at some point, because he would always smirk at her whenever she scared Dickface to make him _go t’ sleep already you fuck and stop stayin’ up ‘till the arse-crack o’ dawn sprayin’ ‘ot-sauce in your fuckin’ eyes_ **_for fuck’s sake._ ** Or when she pulled Weather-Bitch out of the map room to get some food in her. Or when she let Luffy sleep on her tits because him being asleep gave the rest of them a break from his energy, ~~because she liked feeling his heart beating against her own, liked knowing _he was alive._~~

Honestly, the only time he didn’t smirk at her was when she put him in an armlock and _forced_ him to _take a break and let ‘is muscles rest Goddammit,_ and even then he was very obviously amused by it underneath the annoyance he felt at having his training interrupted because he needed to do something stupid like _let his muscles rest, preposterous, that just makes them_ **_weaker!_ **

She just flipped him the bird and moved on, because _fuck you, let me worry Goddammit!_

Anyway, the point was, Gwen knew most people thought she didn’t care, no matter how wrong they all were.

That didn’t change the fact, the _reality,_ that seeing Weather-Bitch look at her in shocked disbelief, tears rolling down her cheeks and Luffy’s Hat preached on her head, when she crouched down to gently take her arm and look at the self inflicted stabs wounds on her shoulder _hurt._

It hurt to see someone she cared about look at Gwen like her helping them, her _caring_ about them, was as unlikely as the sky turning bright _fucking_ green and suddenly start raining _fucking_ **_penguins._ **

“The fuck are you lookin’ at me like that for Weather-Bitch?” she grumbled harshly, but her hands stayed gentle as she cleaned the wound with a bit of Magic and bandaged it up as best she could. “You think I’m just gonna let you sit ‘ere and bleed t’ death?”

“Constantine…” the younger woman breathed, her face scrunching up as a fresh wave of tears began rolling down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.” she whimpered and she just sighed and patted her gently on the head.

“Yeah yeah, it’s fine, no worries,” she reassured, before rising to her feet and moving to catch up to the male members of the crew, who had begun the somber walk towards Arlong Park. When she did, she slowed to match their tempo, taking her place on the left side of Luffy, who was, for the first time ever, looking dead serious.

She glanced down at the teen next to her, a fag smoldering in her mouth. “Arlong’s yours, I take it?”

“Yeah,” the teen replied, glancing up at her as he did. “You can have the other ones.”

“Lovely,” she drawled, putting her hands in the pockets of her pants. “Pity, though. Woulda liked t’ shoot the fish-stick right between ‘is fuckin’ eyes.”

Zoro snorted and she grinned widely around the cancer stick hanging from her lips.

It didn’t take them long to reach the entrance to the park, and she raised an eyebrow when she saw the crowd of islanders standing in front of the gate, being held back by the extremely beat up forms of Dumb and Dumber, the two of them sitting on either side of the door.

“Gwen,” she grunted, eye moving from the bounty hunters to look down at Luffy. “Blow it up.”

She grinned widely, lifting her hands out of her pockets. “I thought you’d never ask,” she practically _purred,_ shoving down the satisfaction she felt when her lover shivered at the sound, instead focusing on the rush of her Magic flowing through her veins and arching off the exposed skin of her hands like purple lightning as she lifted her right hand to point, palm first, at the door.

She ignored the sounds of confusion and awe coming from the crowd behind her, hitting the air with the heel of her palm and making a glowing purple circle appear over the door, a flick of her wrist making it burn itself into the stone.

She smirked, face wreathed in the purple shine of her Magic. 

**_“Boom.”_ **

A snap of her fingers.

And the door exploded into rubble. 

Luffy didn’t waste any time, walking inside before the dust even had a chance to settle and she followed behind, swiftly pulling her guns out of their holsters before walking up to stand a little behind her Captain on his right side, strands of Magic still arching off her skin like lightning.

They must make quite a sight, she can’t help but think, lips lifting in a small, amused grin behind her fag. A green haired man with three swords, a blonde in a suit, a long nosed kid with a slingshot, a tall redhead with a pair of giant guns and purple lightning crackling on her skin and a scrawny kid in a red vest leading the lot of them.

 _‘We look like we belong in a fuckin’ circus,’_ drifted through her head, before she dismissed it to focus on the people in front of her.

“Which one of you is Arlong?”

“Arlong?” the blue fishman with the stupid nose spoke up, sitting on a chair that looked way too much like a throne to be an accident. “Why, that just happens to be my name.”

She hefted Ebony up to rest against her shoulder, watching the blue fishman get sent flying through a wall thanks to Luffy’s fist smashing against his cheek with a smirk on her face.

“That’s for making our navigator cry,” the teen _snarled,_ and now _really_ wasn’t the time to get turned on but _damn_ if that tone didn’t make her want to jump his bones.

“CAPTAIN!” the surrounding fishmen cried, each and every one of them looking absolutely flabbergasted. One of them even turned to Luffy with a scowl. “WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!” 

“I’m Luffy,” the teen said, starting to walk towards the hole in the wall. “A Pirate.”

“You little-!” the fishman growled, launching himself at Luffy, clearing aiming for the kill.

Not on her watch.

She lifted Ivory from her side and fired.

“What’s the matter mate?” she drawled, smirking savagely as she tilted her head slightly and narrowed her eye at the headless corpse. “I thought ‘umans didn’t stand a chance against fishmen.”

“YOU-!” she didn’t bother shooting that one, seeing as the blond cook had jumped forward and kicked all the attackers away. She rolled her eye, knowing full well he did it because he thought she needed to be ‘protected’ or some bullshit like that, but she let it slide, wanting to see more of their newest recruit’s fighting style.

But first, the one that looked like an octopus with six arms summoned the same giant cow-fish-thing that had woken her from her nap earlier that day, because apparently, humans were too weak to beat it. 

She was mildly insulted.

And then the absolute _shithead_ she called her Captain decided the best way to deal with said giant cow-fish-thing was to put his feet in the concrete and spin the damn thing around like a pinwheel.

It worked, she wasn’t gonna deny that, but it also meant he was completely stuck.

Fucking _fantastic._

 _“Shit’ead,”_ she growled out through gritted teeth, Magic still arching off her skin like purple lightning, though it became more erratic in her anger. “What did I say ‘bout _usin’ your ‘ead?!”_

“Sorry Gwen!” the bastard chirped cheerfully, twisting his head around to grin at her. “I forgot!”

“Fuckin’ forgot,” she grumbled, glaring fiercely at the idiot as she debated whether she should try and cave his head in or not. It wouldn’t work, but it would no doubt make her feel better, at least for a little bit. “Fuckin’ _bullshit-“_

“Eat this!”

She didn’t think before reacting, lurching to the side and out of range of the spray of black ink the octopus fishman had fired at the five of them.

As Luffy was the only one incapable of moving, he was of course the one who was covered in the stuff.

And then the octopus slammed a part of the wall down on her Captain’s head.

Except apparently, the cook actually had some strength in that stick figure body, because he kicked the stone so hard it broke apart.

 _‘Huh,’_ she thought, lifting an eyebrow in begrudging respect. _‘So ‘e ain’t_ completely _useless. That’s somethin’, I guess.’_

That’s when the fighting _really_ got started, with Zoro jumping in like a complete and utter _moron_ to fight against the octopus guy while _he was still healing from almost getting_ **_cut in half for fuck’s sake-_ **

“God dammit Sword-Wanker, _stop bein’ a knob’ead and_ _LET THE PEOPLE 'O DIDN’T GET_ ** _CLEAVED IN 'ALF_** _DO THE FUCKIN’ FIGHTIN’!”_ she roared, shooting another fishman’s brains out when he tried to attack Luffy.

“I’m _fine!”_ Zoro yelled back, and she would never understand how he spoke so clearly with a fucking _sword_ between his teeth. “It’s just a scratch!”

“‘Just a scratch’ my _arse!”_ she retorted, elbowing a guy in the face before kicking him in the nuts, using his moment of agonized screaming to slam Ivory against the side of his head, knocking him unconscious. “If that’s ‘just a scratch’, then I don’t want t’ know what you think an actual _wound_ looks like!”

“Stop yelling at each other and fight!” Dumb and Dumber yelled from the gate, making her turn her head to glare at them.

“The peanut gallery don’t get t’ complain, you got that fuckers!?” she barked, spinning on her heel to kick a guy in the head, shooting him in the back as soon as she stopped. “You ain’t the ones fightin’, so _shut your damn mouths!”_

Then Dickface ran past her screaming his goddamn head off, followed closely by that one fishman with rouge on his cheeks.

Meh. Whatever. Maybe he was an Okama?

“Oi, Dickface!” she called, shoving Ebony in so guy’s mouth and pulling the trigger. “Need a ‘and?!”

“NO WAY!” the sniper screamed back, running impressively fast for such a skinny guy. “I AM A BRAVE WARRIOR OF THE SEA! I DO NOT NEED HEL-“ he was cut off by a bullet of water shooting past him and grazing his arm. “NEVERMIND, PLEASEHELPMECONSTANTINE!”

“Sorry mate, can’t ‘ear you!” she shouted over her shoulder, eye trained on her current opponent. “Don’t die!”

 _“CONSTANTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEEEEEE!”_ she snorted, because friend or not, she was a bit of a sadist and his suffering amused her. Besides, she believed in him. Sort of. Ish.

Not really.

She ducked away from the arm trying to punch her head off, grabbed said arm to make sure the guy attached to it didn’t move, then kicked him in the balls and shot him in the head.

Damn, the other fishmen were looking pretty pissed at her. Probably because she kept killing their comrades.

Hell, they were trying to kill her and her crew, what the hell did they expect? That they’d just roll over and let them?

Not a chance.

She lost track of time pretty quickly, the fight becoming an endless stream of shot, kick, swear, banter, repeat. It was actually pretty fun, even if her idiot Captain _did_ get thrown into the sea with a giant piece of cement stuck to his feet.

Oh, and then she got stabbed.

That was less fun.

* * *

It seemed to happen in slow motion.

First, it was Zoro seeing the fishman charge at her, then calling out a warning too little too late.

Then, it was Constantine turning around, just in time to see the fishman before the sword was thrust through her chest.

And then, it was her coughing up blood, the red liquid spilling from her lips and down her front, her eye wide with shock and pain as it flickered between Zoro, then the cook, then Nami.

The sound of steel slicing flesh and bone was loud and clear as the sword was ripped from her chest, the two guns clattering to the floor as her fingers lost their strength and she started sliding slowly down the wall.

The purple lighting that had been dancing around her wavered, the arches of what he could only assume to be Magic starting to buckle and break apart under the strain of the one wielding it _dying._

 _‘No,’_ he thought, unable to do anything but stare in shock as the light in her eye started dimming. _‘She’s not dying, she’s_ ** _not._** _An injury like that won’t-“_ ~~_he had never been good at lying to himself._~~

Constantine coughed, a painful, bloody sound that pulled more liquid from her lungs to spill down her front.

 _“No,”_ the cook breathed, and Zoro swallowed thickly at the sound, refusing to look away from the First Mate even when it became clear breathing was getting harder and harder as she started _choking on her own blood._

The swordsman caught her eye, hazy with pain and blood loss…

Just before the light in it went out and her body became lifeless.

Somebody choked near the gate, the sound ripping through the still air like a scythe.

 _“CONSTANTINE!”_ Nami screamed, the sound more akin to a shriek but no less heart wrenching, fat tears rolling down her face as she looked at the corpse of their friend.

The woman fell to the side, covered in blood and stone. Cold. **_Dead._ **

_‘God dammit-‘_ he grit his teeth, stubbornly ignoring the tears in the corner of his eyes as he turned to look at Arlong, who was laughing loudly and gleefully, clearly taking pleasure in their pain.

 _Holy shit she was dead,_ **_Constantine was dead._ **

_‘What the hell would they tell Luffy?!’_

Just as that thought wormed its way to the front of his mind, the conversation they had had in front of that blonde girl’s mansion jumped in.

_  
“If Gwen says Demons and ghosts are real, then they're real. If she says she comes back after she dies, then she comes back. She wouldn’t lie about stuff like that.”_

Constantine’s own words.

_“The Devil ‘ates my guts. She won’t let me die unless I kill myself. I die any other way, I just come back.”_

God he hoped that was true.

Because if it wasn’t, he’d just lost a friend. _Again._

* * *

Dying was… strange.

Usually, unless she was really, _really_ lucky, it was painful as Hell, both physically and mentally. This go ‘round was no exception.

And honestly, the way she had died this time, drowning in her own blood, was one of her _least_ favourite ways to go.

Not that she liked _any_ of the many, _many_ ways you could die, but still, getting killed by one of the things that were supposed to keep her _alive_ was not fun. Like, _at all._

But, once all that was over and she finally, you know, _died,_ it got… weird.

There was no transition period. No floating in a black void for an indiscernible amount of time before suddenly seeing light, no walking up a long staircase to get to Heaven, no nothing.

No, as soon as your heart stopped, as soon as you stopped breathing, as soon as you _died,_ you were just… there. It was honestly a little jarring.

Where was ‘there’, you might ask? Well too bad, she couldn’t _fucking_ answer that.

One moment she was coughing up enough blood to fill a bathtub, the next she was lying on her back, the scent of summer in her nose and the feeling of grass swaying against her skin in the faint breeze. It was nice.

And of course, a bunch of sunlight blasting in her face.

That one was less pleasant.

She wrinkled her nose, blinking open her eyes (Yes _eyes,_ plural, as in both of them. Heaven apparently doesn’t like eyepatches. Or, more specifically, _her_ eyepatch. Something about ‘The Gatekeeper needing to see every aspect of you’ or some such bullshit. Bitch.) to glare fiercely at the sun, which just glared right back. Lucky, because she was at the Gates of Heaven, looking directly at the sun didn’t actually hurt her. It was just annoying as shit.

“And here I hoped it would be a few years more before I saw you again, Constantine,” an unfortunately familiar voice called from somewhere in front of her, deep and soothing, often just what newly deceased Souls needed to feel safe.

Even Gwen was affected by it, the soothing rumble doing wonders to calm the anger that always seemed to simmer just under her skin, threatening to consume her if she wasn’t careful. Luffy helped too, for some inane reason she wasn’t touching with a ten foot pole, but the voice of the Gatekeeper had been and always would be the one thing that just washed it away completely.

“Keep takin’ like that and I’ll start thinkin’ you dislike my company, Steve,” she drawled, choosing to lay there a little longer and just soak in the peacefulness of Heaven.

A chuckle drifted over her head and she grinned lazily, pleased with herself. “Well, I can’t say you’re easy to deal with, Constantine.”

“Can’t argue with that,” she relented easily, contentment thrumming through her body. It was a welcome change from the heaviness of being alive. “So, how’ve things been up ‘ere? Any Damned tried t’ sneak int’ ‘Eaven while I wasn’t there t’ see it?”

“There always are,” Steve sighed, the sound heavy with quiet sadness. “As much as I want to let them in, those few that truly regret what they have done, they need to go through the proper channels first.”

“Meanin’ they ‘ave t’ go t’ Purgatory,” she clarified unhelpfully, ideally twisting her fingers through the strands of grass under her. Yup, still soft. Too soft, man, how did Steve do it? Did They water the grass with fucking conditioner or some shit? If so, she needs to get some of it, because _damn_ if she didn’t want her hair feeling like this. Weather-Bitch would be so jealous.

“Yes, indeed,” the (Man? Manly-sounding woman? Formless blob? She never really found out, she just gave Them a name one day because fuck it, she was clearly going to come by a lot and she thought it would be funny to call the Gatekeeper something so bland) Being hummed. “But more seems to have happen for you, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she sighed, the corner of her lips lifting in a small smile. “I met a shit’ead.”

“Tell me more?” Steve asked and she complied, even if she was pretty sure They already knew everything. After all, They had admitted to watching Earth when They were bored. Because apparently even All Powerful Beings got bored.

Who knew?

She told Steve about Luffy, about how he refused to take no for an answer and believed her right away when she told him she hunted Demons. She told the Being about Zoro and his unbelievably terrible sense of direction, telling the story about how she had to go look for him when he didn’t return from a bathroom visit during dinner and found him in the pantry glaring at the wall and grumbling about the bathroom moving on its own. She told Them about Nami and Usopp and the new cook named Sanji that annoyed her to Hell and back with his attitude towards women, but who was still strong even if he was a shameless misogynist.

She talked and talked and talked, filling the time between Death and Revival with aimless chatter, happy that the Being let her stay and didn’t try to kick her out of Heaven’s Front Yard and into _Hell’s_ Front Yard, like They had done the first few times she died.

Eventually, she felt a tug on her Soul, a persistent feeling that quickly became stronger and stronger, until it felt like someone was trying to pull her insides out with a rusty hook.

“Welp, time for me t’ go,” she informed Them, even if the Gatekeeper probably already knew, giving a grin to the Being she had never seen. “See ya next time Steve.”

“Please try to stay alive a little longer this time Constantine,” Steve requested, a smile audible in Their voice. “I would hate to see you in pain.”

“Aw, you _do_ care,” she teased, just before there was one final _yank_ and she was suddenly covered in blood and being pressed against someone’s chest, said someone sobbing quietly above her.

Lovely.

Now, time to kill a motherfucker.

* * *

A hand was placed on his shoulder, large and still covered in slowly drying blood.

The hand pressed down, used as leverage to push the body it belonged to up to lean against him.

The other hand brought a black gun up, the two motions fluid and graceful as the person stood up and lifted her gun in one movement.

Zoro couldn’t believe his eyes. Neither could anyone else, if the dumbfounded looks were anything to go by.

_Constantine_ **_snarled,_** bloodstained lips curling back from her bloody teeth in a parody of a smile and eye burning with anger and irritation in equal measures as she aimed Ebony at a stunned Fishman Arlong.

_“Surprise, bitch,”_

That was, by far, the loudest gunshot he’d ever heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3


	13. Bunch o' annoying coc-! Wait, what was that thing again?

Nami refused to let go of Gwen after the fight was over. 

She clung to the taller redhead, her thin arms wrapped tightly around the woman’s waist, uncaring of the blood soaking into her front. Gwen didn’t say anything, simply wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed lightly, before letting herself be dragged to the doctor even as she told them she was fine in between bouts of cursing.

As if they were gonna let her just go about her business after she had _died right in front of them!_

Because yeah. That happened.

Gwen had _died._

The thought made the navigator tighten her grip on the woman’s waist, to which the other simply glanced at her before going back to talking quietly with Usopp, who was sitting as close to her as he possibly could. In fact, they were all pretty close together, gathered around their previously deceased crewmate and completely ignoring the party happening right outside the door.

Gwen was sitting on one of the beds, and even with her back leaning against the wall her ankles still hung a bit off the end.

Luffy was, of course, sitting in her lap, ear pressed to her chest and arms wrapped around her torso, seeming content even as he listened intently to both her heartbeat and her voice, reassuring himself that she was really there and she was really alive.

Nami was, as stated, clinging to her waist, her lower body pressed to Gwen’s legs and her torso crammed between the wall and the First Mate’s arm, her ear pressed against the side of her chest to hear her heartbeat.

Usopp was sitting on a chair next to the bed, holding Gwen’s free hand in his own and pressing his fingers to her wrist, feeling the blood pumping through her veins.

Zoro had ignored any and all attempts to keep him in his own bed after the doctor had sewn his chest back together, instead laying sprawled over the bed, Gwen’s legs thrown over his chest and the swordsman’s fingers wrapped around her ankle so he too could feel her beating heart.

And finally there was their newest member, the cook named Sanji, who was sitting on the floor and leaning against the side of the bed, head resting on the mattress and pressing against the First Mate’s thigh.

The crew had won, Arlong killed by Gwen’s expert shot to the forehead, right between his eyes, blowing his head to pieces in spectacularly gory fashion

The village of Cocoyashi celebrated, throwing a huge party for the Pirates that had risked their lives to save them from the fishmen that had been tormenting them for years.

Said crew couldn’t care less.

A member of their crew had _died._

_Gwen_ had _died._

It didn’t matter that she came back. It didn’t matter that she was sitting here, breathing and talking with her heart beating in her chest like nothing had happened. 

None of it mattered.

Because her clothes had been soaked in blood, her eye had been unfocused and unseeing, her body had been limp and her chest had been still and her heart had _stopped._

 _She had died._ And for ten _terrible_ minutes, all of them (Except Luffy) had thought they would have to continue their journey without her.

No more harsh words that hid a caring heart.

No more waking up and finding her and Luffy in random places all around the Merry, both sound asleep and wrapped around each other.

No more roaring curses whenever someone (Mostly Luffy) did something stupid, forcing her to stop whatever she was doing and start being a responsible, if angry, First Mate.

Just… no more _Gwen,_ the angry, swearing, caring, sadistic, grumpy Exorcist that had bulldozed her way into their lives with a little help from their natural disaster of a Captain and refused to leave once it became clear they were there to stay.

The thought was _terrifying._ It was _heartbreaking._

It was something she never wanted to experience again, with _any_ of their members.

And yet… there was this nagging thought in the back of her mind, a voice that refused to stay quiet no matter how much she ignored it.

_‘This is going to happen again, isn’t it?’_

She didn’t want to think about it.

But it was obvious.

This wasn’t the first time Gwen had died. Oh sure, it was the first time any of them saw it happen, but it was in no way the first time for the First Mate. It wasn’t even the first time since she joined the crew, because now that she had seen it Nami finally believed what Gwen had told them back in Orange Town.

And Gwen herself clearly wasn’t bothered by it, had been able to stand up with little to no help right after she had come back and even aim and shoot a giant gun at a target that was a good few feet away. Granted it was a target she _really_ wanted to hit, but still, Nami couldn’t imagine coming back to life _not_ being a disorienting experience.

Unless you were used to it.

And when you get used to things, you expect them to happen regularly. You expect it and, if possible, you _plan_ on it.

And being unable to die, no matter how terrifying or heartbreaking or unsettling it may be, was a power you couldn’t _not_ use to your advantage.

So yeah.

It was going to happen again.

The Straw Hat Pirates would have to watch their First Mate die over and over and _over_ again, and have to live with the knowledge that there was _nothing_ they could do to stop her from throwing her life away to protect them.

Because no matter how much she swore or yelled or scared them into doing what she wanted them to, she never hit them hard enough for it to truly hurt, she would stop yelling when the message got through and she always made sure they ate and slept and didn’t overwork themselves.

She _cared._ She cared about them, _so much,_ and Nami honestly couldn’t _believe_ she had only realised that when she crouched down and gently took her arm to heal it. That it was only as she stared at her retreating back that she thought back on all those times Gwen had pulled her into the galley to glare at her until she ate that it finally dawned on her that _oh, she cares._

And because she cared so much, she would always, _always_ be ready to jump between them and danger, would always be _right there_ to throw her life away to save them, like her life was somehow worth less than theirs.

It wasn’t. Gwen was worth so much, more than all the gold in the world (Not that she would ever tell her that), and watching that fishman kill her had been almost as bad as when Arlong killed Bell-mère. And she would have to see it again.

But… that was just something she would have to come to terms with. Because Gwen _cared_ and didn’t take shit from anyone and knew she would live again if she took a bullet to the head.

She would never change. She would always be the foul-mouthed, yelling, sadistic, angry woman that cared too much and demanded too little in return. 

She would die. Again. And again. And again and again and _again,_ just like she would _come back,_ again and again and again.

Because the sky was blue, the grass was green, Monkey D. Luffy was an idiot and Gwyneth Constantine would die for those she cared about.

So Nami clung to the waist of the woman that had died so she could be free and came back because she didn’t have a choice and hoped and prayed she would one day become desensitised to seeing the tall redhead crumble in death.

_(She prayed that desensitisation wouldn’t come with forgetting she was still human)_

* * *

Gwen sighed, a heavy, aggravated thing that hung in the air and refused to leave.

Two days. It had been _two days_ and the damn crew was _still_ clinging to her like a bunch of fucking leaches.

It wasn’t like she didn’t get _why_ they were so clingy, because she did, hearing about it was one thing, actually _seeing_ it was another, but come on! They hadn’t left her alone for two _bloody_ days!

At this point she was seriously weighing the pros and cons of using that experimental Teleportation Circle just to get some goddamn peace and quiet!

_(But that didn’t change the fact a part of her warmed every time she turned around and watched Usopp trying and failing to hide before she saw him, or Nami using catching up with the villagers as an excuse to follow her, or Zoro sitting next to her when she went back to the ship or Luffy seemingly trying to merge with her back by refusing to get off of it._

_She tied that part up with barbed wire and threw it in a box. Let her be angry dammit!_ _)_

Honestly, she was fine! Why couldn't they just leave her alo- _‘Wait, why did that Circle get scrapped again?’_ completely derailed her annoyed mental ranting. _‘It ‘ad somethin’ t’ do with the reassemblin’, right? The twats in Research couldn’t figure out ‘ow t’ put the pour sod they moved back together again.’_

She hummed out loud and took a sharp turn left, completely forgetting that Luffy was hitching a ride on her back as her feet moved to find a more secluded location while her mind got lost. _‘What did it look like again?’_

She recalled the Circle, one of the most complex she’d ever seen, drawn on the floor of a giant arse cave to make it possible to draw the smaller Circles inside that main one, triangles and symbols overlapping in a chaotic yet controlled mess that was supposed to move a person from one place to the other.

It never went anywhere, getting scrapped when she was twelve in favour of another, much less interesting project, but she could still remember the design, complex as it was, and now that she had been reminded of its existence she was _determined_ to make it work.

 _‘Alright, so the main Circle is a double, which is good, at least they got that right, but why the ‘ell would they do_ that _with the triangle? That’ll just make it ‘arder for the Magic t’-’_ “Hey Gwen? What are you doing?”

“Tryin’ t’ figure out what the ‘Ell the people ‘o made this thin’ were smokin’,” she answered with a grumble, before looking down sharply to stare at Luffy, who was sitting in her lap and blinking up at her, his face bathed in the warm orange glow of the circle hovering in the air.

“When the ‘ell did you get there shit’ead?” she asked, honestly a little baffled. Then again, she always had a hell of a time paying attention to the outside world whenever she got in one of her research ‘moods’, so maybe it wasn’t so surprising she hadn’t noticed Luffy tagging along for the ride. She shook her head. “Nevermind. What did you ask again?”

“What are you doing?” Luffy repeated without skipping a beat, before pointing at the hellishly complicated circle. “It looks squigglier than all your other ones.”

 _‘O’ course that’s ‘ow ‘e describes it,’_ “That’s ‘cause it is, shit’ead,” she drawled, a flick of her wrist dismissing a few lines. “The things I’ve been doin’ up until now ‘ave been pretty straightforward compared t’ what _this_ is supposed t’ do. Teleportin’ ain’t exactly easy.”

“You can teleport!?” and _of course_ that’s the thing he latched onto. Fucking dumbarse.

She refused to acknowledge the fondness in that thought.

“No, shit’ead, I can’t,” she answered bluntly, feeling him physically deflate against her. She smirked. “But, if I get this right, I’ll be able t’. It’s gonna take a lot o’ time, ‘cause this thing's gonna be a fuckin’ _nightmare_ t’ design and finish. It’ll need t’ be a Conduit, meanin’ it’ll ‘ave multiple smaller Circles inside one giant one and I’ll need t’ design some o’ the smaller ones first before I can move on t’ the big one but the problem is that I need t’ be able t’ look at ‘em both at the same time so I need t’ figure out ‘ow t’ do that and then I need t’...”

And then she was back at it, only this time her fiddling with the circle was accompanied by a steady stream of words as she spoke her thought process out loud, often correcting herself when she was midway through brainstorming and furiously modifying the circle to fit her new realisations.

This time, Luffy let her blabber on until she snapped out of it herself, by which point the sky had turned orange as the sun had begun setting.

She blinked, craning her head to give the sky a surprised look before looking down at Luffy, who was looking much sleepier then the last time she had done so, the teen’s eyes drooping as he sat slumped against her, his fingers wrapped around the arm he had long since pulled out of the air and to his chest, almost snuggling it like a teddy bear.

Her lips quirked and (Against her will, she might add) her eyes softened, dismissing the not even half-finished circle from the air to wrap her other arm around the teen in her lap, pulling him a bit more firmly against her chest.

“Come on Love,” she murmured, huffing out a quiet laugh when Luffy grumbled sleepily and twisted around to snuggle face-first into her tits. “Let’s get back t’ the ship.”

“Don’t wanna go,” he whined softly, half-haphazardly wrapping his arms around her waist in a loose hug. “‘M tired.”

“I can see that Love,” she rumbled, her amusement clear in her voice. “But I don’t fancy wakin’ up t’ bugs bitin’ me arse, so I’m afraid you’ll ‘ave t’ move.”

“Noooo~” he slurred, burrowing further into her chest. “Don’t wanna!”

“Brat,” she said fondly, before swiftly grabbing his arse and rising to her feet.

Luffy yelped softly, but didn’t do much else as she started walking back towards the town.

“Hey Gwen?” she hummed, glancing down to meet his sleepily curious eyes. “Why are you squeezing my butt?”

“Payback,” she deadpanned, before doing just that with a smirk. “Also, it’s one ‘Ell o’ an arse.”

* * *

It was the day of their departure.

The ship was stocked, everyone was healed (Or as healed as they could be.) and, most importantly in Luffy’s book, Gwen had finally gotten around to fixing up that room next to the men’s quarters, with Usopp and Zoro working furiously on soundproofing the room the usual way and, upon learning Gwen could do the same with Magic, practically begging her to add hers onto it. She did so, with great amusement and a lot of teasing.

Luffy didn’t particularly care for the hows and whys of it. He was just happy there was finally a room for him and Gwen to have sex in.

That’s literally all he got out of the very long, very detailed, and _extremely_ pointless talk Usopp and Gwen gave him on the subject. (To be fair to them, the pair had known it was pointless, but they still did it because hey, he was the Captain, it was their job to keep him updated on the ship. Not their fault if he didn’t listen beyond “So the Room is done-”)

And now they were all standing on the Going Merry, waiting for the ship’s navigator to join then. Gwen was happily smoking a bit away from everyone else, finally able to now that the rest of them stopped clinging to her after she finally had enough and warned them bluntly that if they continued acting like leeches then they would not like the consequences.

Naturally, they backed off, even if Zoro refused to admit he was intimidated by the First Mate’s very calm, not at all sweary warning.

Apparently, calm Gwen was scarier then angry Gwen. Who knew?

“Weather-Bitch sure is takin’ ‘er sweet-arse time,” Gwen drawled, flicking the spent cigarette overboard. “‘Ope it ain’t ‘cause Sword-Wanker’s sense o’ direction rubbed off on ‘er.”

“Oi!” Zoro snapped, visibly offended, and Luffy snickered, grinning widely. “What’s that supposed to mean!?”

“That you could get lost in a paper bag, you fuckin’ moron,” she told him bluntly.

“I don’t get lost!” 

“Denial ain’t a good look on you Sword-Wanker,” she simply drawled in reply, smirking. “But I ain’t gonna be the one t’ convince you otherwise, so just keep tellin’ yourself that.”

“Oh Gwen-Darling!” Sanji swooned, making the Captain’s lower stomach twinge unpleasantly when he saw the lovestruck look on the cook’s face. “Your brutal words are an inspiration.”

Gwen visibly grit her teeth.

“Call me that again, dick’ead,” she growled, turning around to glare straight into his eyes, barely visible strands of Magic sparking off her skin. “Go on. _I dare ya.”_

(Un?)Fortunately, that was the moment that Nami appeared, wearing a tank top that allowed her to proudly show off the pinwheel tattoo she had gotten in place of the old Arlong one.

“Luffy!” the smaller redhead called, grinning widely. “Set sail!”

Luffy grinned, turning to the others. “You heard her!” he called happily. “Let’s go!”

“Aye Aye Captain,” Gwen drawled, anger forgotten for now as she smirked. “Alright lads, move it!”

“She’s going to leave without letting us say goodbye!” one of the islanders called, and immediately the crowd tried to stop her, refusing to let the young woman leave without a proper goodbye.

But Nami was a pro at moving unhindered through crowds.

As the ship slowly drifted out to sea, the thief turned navigator effortlessly ran through the mass of people, weaving through them like they weren’t even there.

And then, once she had jumped off the pier and landed on the ship, it became clear that that wasn’t the only skill of her’s she had used, as she lifted up her shirt and let the dozens of wallets she had stolen fall onto the deck.

Gwen started roaring with laughter, the sound almost loud enough to drown out the screams of outrage coming from the docks.

“That’s one _‘ell_ o’ an exit Weather-Bitch,” the First Mate said loudly, a shiteating grin on her face. “You sure know ‘ow t’ make an impression.”

“I try,” the navigator smiled sharply, doing a small bow before straightening up and putting her fists on her hips. “Right! Set the course for Loguetown!”

“Since when were _you_ the Captain?” Gwen asked incredulously. And then Luffy walked up to her, grabbed her arm and started pulling her towards the latch that lead to the men’s quarters. Nami smirked.

“Since our actual Captain became more interested in breaking in the newest bed on the ship,” she said smugly, cheerfully waving at the retreating pair. “Have fun~!”

Gwen swore so violently Usopp blushed completely crimson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive~!
> 
> Sorry for not updating sooner, but I started my first year of my country's equivalent of a High School Education and I plan on focusing on that from now on. I'll still update, but don't be surprised if I take a bit longer to update. Although there'll probably be times where I'm on a roll and just keep pumping out chapters, but that's neither here nor there.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> See Ya - TheGirlyDJ
> 
> PS: Normally I'd check for spelling errors, but I'm dead tired and can't be arsed. I'll do it in the morning


	14. How a Vampire gave the Sun depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title may change once I've gotten some more sleep. 
> 
> Unless you like it. Then it's staying.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy~

The sky was clear, the sea was calm and it was quiet aboard the Going Merry, the silence only broken by the sounds of waves hitting the haul, the cries of seagulls flying over head and the faint sounds of a knife hitting wood coming from the galley, where the new cook was preparing for lunch.

Zoro was just leaning against the railing, trying to get some sleep when-

“WHAT THE HELL?!”

Yeah. That.

The swordsman sighed, cracking open an eye to see why the navigator was screaming. He wasn’t the only one, as the door to the galley was thrown open and the new cook came scrambling out, screaming some nonsense about ‘protecting the ladies’. He scoffed. As if Constantine needed protecting.

_(He pushed the vision of the Exorcist lying bloody and lifeless in Nami's lap out of his mind. She was still here, she was alive,_ **_it. Was. Fine.)_ **

As if summoned by the thought of her, crashes and swears could be heard from below deck, before the hatch to the mens room was shoved open with a violent crash, revealing the scowling and absolutely _wrecked_ looking Exorcist.

“What is it now you fuckin’ bitch?!” Constantine called angrily, her crimson hair in disarray, her lips slightly swollen and her neck covered in bruises.

“JUST GET UP HERE!” Nami screeched, making the First Mate scoff but comply, reaching down with her free hand to grab Luffy, who she then proceeded to _throw_ as hard as she could onto the galley roof, a loud ‘thud’ signalling his landing.

“‘Old your ‘orses bitch, I’m comin’,” she groused, like she hadn’t just thrown her Captain about thirteen feet into the air, shoving the hatch open the rest of the way so she could climb out.

“Gwwweeeeennnnnn!” Luffy whined, head popping out between the tangerine trees. “Why’d you throw me!?”

“‘Cause I’m sore as fuck you fuckin’ knob,” Constantine growled, running a hand through her hair to try and fix the mess. “I’m ‘avin’ trouble _walkin’_ you fucked me that ‘ard.”

“You told me to do it!” he pouted, pulling himself out of the trees.

“I did not need to know that,” Zoro said flatly, and now that he looked he could see what the First Mate was talking about. She was actually limping.

“Tough shit, now you do,” the woman deadpanned, turning to Nami as the navigator stormed up to her with a scowl. “What is it c-”

“LOOK!” Zoro’s eyebrow twitched at the high-pitched shriek, watching the navigator shove a piece of paper in the Exorcist’s face (Which looked slightly comical, since Nami was so much shorter then the other). And then he raised it in surprise when Constantine didn’t immediately shove it away and start swearing.

Instead, she pushed it back so she could see it properly, took one look at it and _grinned._

“Oi, shit’ead! Get down ‘ere, we’ve got bounties!”

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

If anyone were to look at Dracule Mihawk right now, they would think the two pieces of paper he held in his hand had deeply offended him in some way, as he was looking at them like they were bugs crawling on his knee.

But since Dracule Mihawk was currently in the middle of the ocean, sailing to the island he knew his fri- _rival,_ Red Hair Shanks, had claimed as his temporary base, there was no one around to see him staring intensely at a piece of paper.

One had a picture of a young teen on it, a worn straw hat partially covering his messy black hair and teeth bared in a sunny grin.

The other was a young woman, likely in her early twenties, with short crimson hair and a black eyepatch over her left eye. From what little could be seen of her shoulders, it looked like she was using her right arm to keep herself standing. Her mouth was twisted into a snarl, the front of her shirt was darkened by something, likely blood, judging by her blood covered chin, and her one visible eye was glaring directly at the camera, the clear cornflower blue of her iris sharp and hostile.

And a giant black gun was visible at the edge of the picture, threatening to violently murder whoever it was aimed at.

Mihawk’s sharp golden eyes gazed at the picture, roving over familiar features twisted into an unfamiliar visage of visceral anger.

The swordsman hummed, rolling the two posters up and putting them inside his coat as the island got closer and closer.

He barely paid the men that tried to stop him from moving further inland any mind, walking into the clearing that held the Red Hair Pirates with confidence befitting of his title, walking up to the Captain of the crew to hold up the poster for the straw hatted boy he had met just a few days earlier and letting it unfurl.

“Hell yeah boys, it’s party time!” Red Hair yelled, grinning widely at his crew. “Little Anchor got a bounty!”

The Pirates cheered loudly, already diving for the alcohol.

“Come on Hawk-Eyes!” the red head cheered, grabbing his arm with a sunny grin and a pint glass. “Join us!”

“As much as I would love to,” Mihawk said dryly, pulling his arm out of Shanks’ loose grip to reach inside his coat yet again. “There’s another thing I’d like to show you.”

“Really?” the Yonko asked, eyeing the paper the Warlord pulled out curiously. “What is it?”

“This,” he deadpanned, holding up the poster much in the same way he had held out the first, carefully watching the other’s face as it unfurled.

For a couple seconds, all that happened was Shanks looking at the picture with a sort of bored curiosity, lifting his glass up to, presumably, take a drink.

But then, the Pirate Captain realised what he was looking at.

His arm froze, pint not even half-way to his mouth, as his eyes widened and he went rigid.

Mihawk raised an eyebrow at the reaction. Sure he had expected the other to be surprised, it wasn’t every day you found out you were a father after all, but this…

This almost seemed… Like there was more to it than just surprise.

“No way…” Shanks whispered, still staring at his own face, if slightly more feminine and a bit bloodier, glaring back at him. “There’s no way…”

Suddenly, Shanks let go of the mug in his hand and let it fall to the ground, his now free hand whipping out to tear the poster from Mihawk’s grip, completely ignoring the now broken pint lying at his feet.

Uncaring of the concerned looks he was getting from his crew, Shanks pulled the poster close and _stared._

“...Hey, Benn,” he said, his voice quiet and wavering, and that alone was enough to make Mihawk almost take a step back.

For as long as they had known each other, Shanks had always been infuriatingly loud, laughing and singing like he was trying to wake the dead, and Mihawk honestly couldn’t remember a time that the other had been anything other than relentlessly cheerful no matter what was thrown at him.

So seeing him like this, shaking and quiet and holding back tears, was _extremely_ unsettling.

“Yeah?” Benn Beckman acknowledged, looking at his Captain with worry.

“...Do you remember Joan?” he asked, and Mihawk was somewhat gratified to see that everybody else was just as unsettled by the choked way the words were spoken as he was.

“Of course,” the First Mate answered immediately, the question getting nods from a few crew members as well.

Shanks smiled shakily, putting the poster on the log he was sitting on so he could cover his eyes as the tears finally started falling.

“She has her eyes,” he forced out, lowering his hand so he could still look at the picture while making sure he didn’t damage it. “Benn, Gwen’s alive. My little girl’s alive.”

Beckman jerked, eyes going wide, before he shot up and, in two short strides, walked up to look at the picture himself.

“You have a daughter Captain?!” a nameless crew member yelled, voicing the question on everybody’s mind.

“Yeah, I do,” Shanks answered, wiping at his eyes with his arm. “I’ve never met her, but her mother used to send me letters about her before she died. I thought Gwen had died too, but-“

“There’s no way this girl isn’t her,” the First Mate finished, staring down at the face on the poster. “She looks just like the Captain, but she’s got her mother’s eyes.”

“And her temper, judging by that look,” the Sharpshooter, Yasopp, commented, peering down at the picture himself. “I almost feel sorry for whoever’s at the other side of that gun.”

“They deserve it,” Shanks said fiercely, seemingly giving up on stopping his tears as he reached down to grip the fabric of his pants tightly. “She’s Joan’s daughter. She would never aim a weapon at someone who didn’t deserve it.”

“True,” Yasopp agreed, smiling softly. “‘No child of Joanna Constantine would grow up to kill innocent people.”

“Yeah,” the Yonko said quietly, lips quirking into a small grin. “‘The Hellraiser’ eh? That’s one hell of a title.”

“Pretty fitting though, if I remember Joan’s letters correctly,” Beckman commented idly, lighting a cigarette. “That girl sure could raise hell.”

Red Hair gave a short bark of laughter, nodding in agreement. 

“Wait a second,” one of the crew, a young man he’d never seen before, said, having finally gotten close enough to see the picture of his Captain’s daughter. “Why’s she covered in blood?”

And just like that, the good mood vanished.

 _‘Truly, this young man should become a magician,’_ Mihawk thought dryly as he watched Shanks stand up, a furious look in his eyes at the realisation that _someone had hurt his daughter._

And that was when Mihawk decided it would be wise to share his observations with the angry father, before he did something that would only alienate his child further.

“Since you already seem to know who she is,” he began cooly, drawing the eyes of the trio and the crew. “I feel obligated to inform you that your daughter utterly despises you.”

And even if his face remained impassive, that didn’t stop him from smirking on the inside when his words instantly sent Shanks spiraling into depression.

* * *

“Your’s is so much cooler than mine!” Luffy whined, pouting down at the completely badass picture on his First Mate’s bounty poster. “I’m the Captain! Mine’s supposed to be the coolest!”

The two of them had hidden themselves away in the newly planted tangerine grove, Gwen leaning against one of the trees and Luffy sitting in her lap, his back to her chest and the two posters in his lap.

“A straw ‘at and a giant smile don’t exactly scream ‘cool’ shit’ead.” Gwen commented, grinning when her words made him slump against her, crossing his arms over his chest as he pouted even harder. “‘Ey now, don’t be like that,” she teased, reaching down to tilt his head back so he could see the light grin she gave him. “You might not be cool, but you’re cute and sometimes, that’s better. Besides, you’ve got a bigger bounty than me.”

That was true. Whereas his bounty was 30 million Beri, Gwen’s was 20 million.

He perked up, looking at her with wide, excited eyes. “You think I’m cute!?” he whisper yelled, remembering what Gwen had told him down in the Room, about how if he couldn’t stop himself from yelling, then he should do it in a whisper.

“‘Course I do shit’ead,” she said fondly, giving him a soft grin. “You’re about the cutest guy I’ve ever seen.”

He grinned widely and suddenly, he really wanted to kiss her.

So, he did.

He twisted around, sending the posters flying in the process, and stretched up to kiss her, the way she jerked in surprise at the move making him open his eyes to see her blinking at him in bewilderment.

He pulled back, licking his lips and looking up at his confused First Mate.

“The ‘ell was that for shit’ead?” she asked, her confusion making her tone somewhat aggressive.

“Just felt like it,” he shrugged, giving her a sunny grin and snuggling into her front, giggling happily when she wrapped her arms around him despite her confusion.

Gwen huffed light and opened her mouth to say something, but just then, Usopp yelled “Land Ho!” from the Crow’s Nest and he perked up, twisting his torso to look in the direction of the sniper’s voice.

“What’s got you so excited shit’ead?” Gwen grumbled, glaring slightly when he turned back to look at her.

“We’re almost at Loguetown!” he said, grinning widely. “I wanna see the execution platform where Gold Roger died!”

“That’s nice,” she drawled, raising a questioning eyebrow. “But do you even know where that platform is?”

He opened his mouth to tell her that yes, of course he knew where it was, but stopped. When he didn’t say anything for a bit, Gwen gave him a little, somewhat mocking smirk and simply said, “Thought so.”

He pouted, leaning forward to hide his face petulantly in her boobs and refusing to acknowledge the deadpan look his First Mate was aiming at him.

“You gonna be like that now?” she asked incredulously, rolling her eye with a soft huff when he stayed stubbornly silent. “Alright, guess you’re stayin’ ‘ere then.”

“Eh?” he voiced, confused, only to make the same noise again, though louder, when Gwen moved her arms quicker than he could react, one going down to press against the small of his back, the other wrapping around his shoulders, and both of them squeezing him tightly to her body, basically locking him in place.

“Gwen!” he whined, grinning into her boobs as he tried to wiggle free of her hold. “Let go!”

“Nope,” she said with a shit-eating grin. “You’re gonna stay right ‘ere ‘till we make land, and then I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder t’ make sure you don’t get fuckin’ lost,” her grin turned sharp, lips peeling away to show teeth that somehow stayed pearly white even when their owner smoked like a chimey, and she leaned down to breathe against his ear. “And so everyone knows you’re _mine.”_ she growled, making him shiver and glance up to look at her, the dark, possessive glint in her lone eye making his stomach tighten in that by-now familiar way he knew was arousal.

 _“Oh,”_ he breathed, shivering as the hand on the small of his back moved to his butt, sending heat flaring through him. “Okay. Can I kiss you again?”

Gwen chuckled, the sound deep and rolling, like liquid chocolate, as she moved her other hand from his shoulder to the back of his head, long fingers gripping his hair and forcefully tilting his head back as she leaned down until her face was hovering just over his.

“As if you ever need t’ ask, you little shit,” she rumbled, before pressing her lips to his in a kiss that was very different from the ones they had when they were having sex.

Those were rough, all teeth and tongue and _heat,_ whereas this one was soft and slow. Just the two of them between the trees, hidden away from the rest of their crew.

And while it wasn’t at all like the kisses he had become used to, it still filled his stomach with a weird but nice feeling. It wasn’t better or worse than the tight feeling of arousal, just different. Sort of flip-floppy.

He liked it. Really, _really_ liked it, even if he had no idea what it was.

Oh well. He’d just ask Gwen later. 

If he remembered.

_(Spoiler Alert: He didn’t.)_

* * *

Sanji didn’t know whether to be angry or confused.

_(‘Or guilty,’ a small part of his brain whispered. ‘This is private, this is for them, not for you,_ **_you don’t have the right to look at them-’_ **

_He shoved that part down, deep,_ **_deep_ ** _down, as far down as his past, where it would stay quiet and out of his way.)_

~~**_(It still lingered.)_ ** ~~

He just… He didn’t _understand it._

He didn’t understand how Miss Gwen, the lovely and beautiful and _intelligent_ woman that she was, could settle for such a… such a _complete and utter_ **_idiot._ **

_(‘You agreed to follow that idiot,’ another part of him whispered, and it got shoved right down there with the other one.)_

Gwyneth Constantine was strong and refused to bow down and let anybody tell her how she should or should not behave. She was beautiful, she was clever, she was elegant even in her rage. Her figure cast an imposing shadow, her anger was almost a tangible being, her words were sharper than steel.

Monkey D. Luffy was an idiot and seemed to think the plans were overrated. He was carefree, he was dumb, he was seemingly incapable of taking things seriously. He loved to eat, he loved his crew, and yet he was oblivious to the love he felt for his First Mate.

They should be complete opposites. They should, quite frankly, _hate_ each other. _(Or, at least, Miss Gwen should hate Luffy. Sanji wasn’t even sure if Luffy even knew what hate_ _was, let alone had the capacity to_ feel _it.)_

And yet…

_And yet…_

_**And yet** here he was,_ on the back deck and standing on his tiptoes to watch his Captain and First Mate kiss like he had seen couples do at the Baratie, slow and deliberate and _loving._

They were so _in love_ it was almost impossible to miss, yet it was only now, when they didn’t know the had company, that Sanji even _saw it._ Saw Luffy’s clinginess as something other than relief at having someone he had thought was gone come back, saw Miss Gwen’s harsh words as something other than an annoyed reprimand.

But… Sanji honestly wasn’t sure if _they_ knew they were in love. After all, Luffy was oblivious to anything that wasn’t meat or adventure, and Miss Gwen’s anger didn’t seem like the kind of anger that you were just born into, but rather that of someone who had been hurt before and was masking that hurt by being angry.

So he sighed and decided on bewilderment as he turned around, prepared to go back to the lovely navigator and tell her that the duo would likely appreciate some alone time.

However, he froze when he turned and came face-to-face with the ship’s swordsman, the green haired brute called Roronoa Zoro, who was leaning against the railing and staring blankly at him.

The silence stretched on for what seemed like forever as the two of them stared at each other, Sanji stiff from having been caught spying, the swordsman relaxed yet guarded.

Finally, the green haired teen broke the staredown with a small nod, before he pushed himself off the railing and vanished back to the main deck, leaving the cook staring at the spot he had just been standing in and wondering what the hell just happened.

_(And if he shared a knowing glance with Zoro when the Captain and First Mate finally showed their faces after they had made land, well, then that was their business._

_Though they were just as confused as Nami-Swan and Usopp when Miss Gwen grabbed Luffy and threw him over her shoulder when the teen proclaimed his intention to find the execution platform.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm tired and I want to sleep, but my brain was finally in the mood to finish this chapter so I said "Fuck sleep, I'm doing this!"
> 
> And once again, I am wanting until morning to spellcheck this thing.
> 
> (After first spellcheck: ^-Case in point -_-)
> 
> Also, oblivious Luffy is oblivious and Gwen is just a tsundere.
> 
> And Shanks is depressed boi.
> 
> I may be slightly delirious.
> 
> I also need to know, would I sound like a prick if I asked someone to draw Gwen? Because I can't draw for shit and I really want to see her on paper.
> 
> :3
> 
> Edit: Someone made _fanart_ :O https://archiveofourown.org/works/27078433


	15. Now is not the time for this!

“I’m gonna be the King of the Pirates!”

_(As Gwen would say, Loguetown had been a shitshow.)_

“I’m going to find the All Blue!”

_(First it had been the fight at the execution platform, where every enemy they had made up to that point (The ones that were alive, anyway.) worked together to try and execute Luffy.)_

“To be a Brave Warrior of the Sea!”

_(They didn’t succeed, because just as Buggy the Clown was about to cut off Luffy’s head, a lightning bolt hit the platform, blowing it to smithereens.)_

“To be the World’s Greatest Swordsman!”

_(Then they had hightailed it out of there, Zoro with two new swords and Sanji and Usopp with a giant fish._

_The rest of them didn’t ask why they had a giant fish.)_

“To draw a map of the entire world!”

_(And then the Marine Captain in charge, some guy called Smoker, had tried to stop them, but Luffy and Zoro stayed to delay them so the others could get to the ship and get it ready to sail._

_Gwen looked like she had swallowed something sour, but grudgingly complied, though not before Smoker said something to her that only she could hear, making her glare furiously at the grey haired man._

_That just made Luffy determined to not let him near her.)_

They turned to the First Mate, the only one who hadn’t put her foot up on the barrel.

_(Zoro was pulled into a fight with a girl with blue hair and glasses, leaving Luffy alone to fight Smokey._

_It was annoying, because Smokey could turn into smoke and he couldn’t hit smoke, rubber or not, which meant their fight wasn’t much of a fight. Just Smokey grabbing him and talking about Justice.)_

The red head just stood there, her cigarette somehow staying lit even with rain and wind pelting her face, and stared blankly at them, like she knew what they wanted her to do, but didn’t understand _why._

_(Suddenly, Smokey yelled in pain and let go of him, his body turning back as he put a hand to his shoulder, clutching at the bloody gunshot wound that had suddenly appeared._

_Luffy blinked in confusion, wondering what just happened, before he noticed the small bit of purple lightning crackling around the bullet in the wound._

_He grinned.)_

Then, slowly, like she expected them to somehow try and stop her, she walked over and put her foot on the barrel, taking a harsh breath through her nose to say her Dream.

_(A new bullet hit the man’s other shoulder, sending blood flying and making him yell in pain again, and then a huge gust of wind blasted both Luffy and Zoro into the air and towards the Going Merry.)_

Had it been anybody else who said it, it would have sounded lackluster. It would have been plain, hell, it wouldn’t even have been a Dream, it would have just been… a depressing thought, really.

_(They landed in a tangled heap on the deck, Zoro cursing angrily at the pain and Luffy laughing gleefully at the rush he had just experienced.)_

But when it came from Gwyneth Constantine, the angry, undying Exorcist that had become the First Mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, and when it was said with such fierce determination, it sounded like just as far reaching a Dream as that of the swordsman and the Captain.

_(“You damn shit’ead!” Gwen roared, her black gun held tightly in her hand and a furious scowl on her face. “Learn t’ pick your damn battles!”_

_“ShiShiShiShi!” he laughed, grinning up at her, his eyes twinkling. “But I knew Gwen would have my back!”)_

“My Dream is-”

_(Her scowl softened to a frown and she sighed, holstering the gun and lighting a cigarette. “Fuckin’ moron,” she grumbled around the stick, reaching down to pull him onto his feet. “I ain’t gonna be everywhere,” she pointed out, a fire in her eye. “And I just don’t want your dumb arse-”)_

**_“-T’ Die.”_ **

* * *

_“WHAT IN THE NAME O’ ALL THE DEMONS IN ‘ELL IS_ ** _THIS FUCKIN’ BULLSHIT?!”_** Gwen roared, her booming voice easily heard over the rush of water.

‘This fucking bullshit’, as the First Mate so eloqently put it, was Reverse Mountain, a mountain that, as the name implied, had water going _up_ it instead of going _down._

And the mountain they were currently sailing on in order to get to the Grand Line.

 ** _“YOU_** HAVE _NO RIGHT_ TO ASK THAT QUESTION, YOU REALITY SHATTERING PSYCHOPATH!” Nami roared right back, aiming to finally throw an insult back at the other (Significantly more foul-mouthed) redhead that would actually _stick,_ but all she succeeded in doing was giving herself a sore throat and making the tallest member of the crew grin wickedly.

“OH YEAH?!” she crowed gleefully, one arm thrown around the main mast, the other wrapped around Luffy’s waist, in case he decided that sitting on the figurehead while the ship was being violently thrown around was a good idea. “AND WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT, YOU MONEY FUCKIN’ _WHORE?!”_

Nami didn’t answer, too stunned at what she had called her to even _think_ of a response. Seriously, how on _Earth_ did the Exorcist come up with the things she said? It was like she had her insults locked and loaded to fire off whenever she needed them.

“GWEN!” luckily, Luffy saved her from having to say anything, gleefully calling his First Mate’s name and drawing her attention to him. “WE’RE _FLYING!”_

And they were.

The Merry had reached the top of the mountain, the current propelling them high into the air and sending water flying, the high altitude making the drops turn to ice as soon as they left the main body.

It was a beautiful sight.

And then Luffy stuck his hands up Gwen’s shirt.

Nami sighed, turning away from the spectacle of her Captain groping the uncaring First Mate to look at where the ship was now headed, down the mountain and towards the Grand Lin-

_“BAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!”_

She blinked, frowning.

“Did you hear something just now?” Zoro asked, to which Gwen shot him a glare.

“We ain’t _deaf_ Sword-Wanker,” she snapped, before turning to narrow her eye at the front of the ship. “Something’s down there…”

Then her eye widened.

“OH _SHIT!”_

“WHAT IS IT-” Nami began, only to cut herself out when she saw what had made the First Mate swear, her eyes going wide as well. “...Now.”

 _“WWWHHHHHAAAAAAA!”_ Usopp screamed, violently pointing at the shape at the foot of the mountain. “IT’S A GIANT WHALE!”

And it was.

Towering over the Merry and looking more like a mountain than an animal, the whale at the bottom of Reverse Mountain was truly _massive._

“AWESOME!” Luffy screamed, his eyes sparkling.

“THAT AIN’T AWESOME SHIT’EAD!” Gwen roared, glaring fiercely at the Captain. “MAGIC’S STRONG, BUT IT AIN’T INVINCIBLE! WE ‘IT THAT THIN’, WE FUCKIN’ _DIE!”_

 _“EEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!?”_ was the reaction that information got, every single person on the Merry staring at the First Mate with wide eyes.

“WHAT THE ‘ELL ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR, A FUCKIN’ _INVITATION!?”_ Gwen continued, using her grip on Luffy’s waist to throw him over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. _“MOVE IT!”_

Everyone sprang into action, Zoro, Sanji and Usopp running to the rudder in the galley to try and get the ship to move towards the small gap between the whale and the Red Line, Nami screeching from the upper deck and Luffy hanging from Gwen’s shoulder.

“GWEN!” the Captain yelled, stretching his neck to glare at the woman. “WHY’D YOU GRAB ME!?”

“SO YOU DON’T DO SOMETHIN’ STUPID YOU SHIT’EAD!” she roared right back, turning on her heel to march towards the galley since, by the sounds coming from it, the three in there couldn’t get the rudder to move, making her cargo swing at the rough movement.

“BUT I HAVE AN IDEA!” he argued, wriggling to try and get free.

“YOUR IDEAS ARE TRASH!” Nami joined in, clinging to the railing with all her might as she screeched at her idiot of a Captain.

“IF YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP THE SHIP FROM FACE PLANTIN’ THAT WHALE, THEN _MOVE YOUR FUCKIN’ ARSE!”_ the First Mate cut in before Luffy could reply, all-but _throwing_ the teen towards the cannon deck.

What followed was utter chaos as everybody continued screaming, Gwen hurled insults at nothing and everything at the same time and Luffy fired the cannon at the front of the ship at just the right time to slow them down enough that the ship didn’t break apart immediately upon impact. (That said, they later found a small crack in the throat of the figurehead, showing that, as Gwen said, even with Magic reinforcing the ship, it wasn’t impervious to damage.)

They all breathed a sigh of relief.

And then the whale opened its mouth and swallowed them.

 _“WHOREFUCKIN’, ARSE-MUNCHIN’ SON O’ A_ **_BITCH!”_ **the First Mate swore, loudly and with great feeling, as the Merry and its crew disappeared down the belly of the beast.

* * *

“YOU FUCKIN’ MORON!” Constantine roared, looking just shy of shaking her fist at the sky as she glared at the Captain. “STOP PUNCHIN’ THE WHALE!”

“BUT GWWWEEEENNNNN!” Luffy whined and Zoro rolled his eyes, smirking in amusement. The spectacle that was the Captain and his First Mate’s interactions never stopping being funny.

The old man, Crocus, seemed to think so too, judging by his expression.

“Are they always like that?” the old man asked, looking both bemused and entertained as Constantine finally gave into her impulses and started shaking her fist at Luffy, holloring all the while.

Zoro shrugged. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“WHY THE ‘ELL ARE YOU PAINTIN’ ON IT?!”

“YOU TOLD ME NOT TO PUNCH IT!”

**_“MOTHERFUCKER-!”_ **

“Yeah,” he repeated, holding back a snort. “Pretty standard.”

The old man barked out a laugh.

* * *

“So,” she began slowly, reaching up to take the fag out of her mouth so she could blow the smoke out, right over the heads of the two idiots that had tried to kill the whale that had swallowed them, before Luffy befriended it and drew their Jolly Roger on its nose. Badly.

(She took a second to process that sequence of thought, before mentally groaning in despair. How was this her life?)

She kicked that thought to the back of her head, right down there with all the thoughts that made it harder to stay pissed, and re-focused on the two aforementioned idiots, who were both looking very scared indeed.

Good.

They should be.

“What made you think you could stow away on our ship?” she raised an eyebrow, doing nothing to hide her sadistically amused smirk and relishing in how their faces paled at the sight.

“W-Well,” the bird stammered, locks of blue hair escaping the high ponytail she had put it in and her brown eyes darting wildly from side to side as if looking for an escape. “Y-You, you see, we just, well, our ship got destroyed and we thought it would only be fair that we sail with your crew to get back to our island,” as she spoke, the girl got more confident in her argument, until finally she apparently felt brave enough to look at the First Mate smugly, sure the taller woman would see it her way.

That was not the case.

Instead, Gwen _smiled,_ a wide one she had totally stolen from the Bitch Down Below, all full of dripping fangs and violence and _continue-to-amuse-me-you-pitiful-mortal_ and the girl immediately lost all of her smug confidence as the pair of idiots went _white._

(In the background, Usopp tried to scream, only for Nami to slap a hand over his mouth, her eyes wide as saucers while Sanji gaped, a cigarette hanging from his lower lip, and Zoro did his best to pretend he wasn’t _at all_ scared by the expression the First Mate was currently wearing. Nope, not at all, and anyone who said otherwise was going to have a meeting with his swords.

Luffy, of course, was staring _intensely_ at his Exorcist, all the while wondering if Gwen would get extra mad if he interrupted whatever she was doing with the two wannabe whale hunters. He hoped not, his stomach felt like it was trying to turn inside out.)

_“Is that so?”_ she _hissed,_ her teeth clenched around the facial expression that could _generously_ be described as a smile. “Well then, please explain t’ me the thought process your miniscule number o’ brain cells managed t’ scrape together t’ come t’ _that_ conclusion. I’m _dyin’_ t’ know.”

The girl continued to stammer, while the guy could only produce a small, wheezy sounding whimper in the face of her contorted features.

Ah, the joys of being a sadist.

Suddenly, the sound of rubber stretching cut through the air and she turned just in time to catch an armful of very clearly turned on teenager, very resolutely _not pouting_ because her fun had been cut short. And then the shithead just smashed their mouths together and stuck his tongue down her throat, barely giving her enough time to grab his thighs to hold him steady.

 _‘Well,’_ she thought, torn between smug and annoyed as she hiked her Captain’s legs higher on her hips so she could free one hand to grab the back of his neck, completely ignoring the frantic yells from the scaredycat duo for them to _“Get off the deck dammit!”_ and the despairing cook as he screamed _“WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?”_ at the sky. _‘Maybe not_ **_all_ ** _o’ my fun.’_

And honestly, she _tried_ to move them to the Room, but…

Well, when your arms are full of horny teenager and you’re trying to move without having to stop aggressively kissing said horny teenager, it’s much easier to simply give up and fall to the deck in a heap.

A very horny heap.

“YOU ARE NOT FUCKING ON THE DECK, _MOVE!”_ the navigator screamed and Gwen had just enough presence of mind to tear her mouth away from Luffy’s to scowl at her.

“MOVE YOURSELF YOU GODDAMNED _ARSE-FACED_ **_HORSEFUCKER!”_ **

Having successfully stunned her main opposition in her quest to get laid, Gwen turned her attention back to the teen in her lap and her thus far very _un_ successful attempts to pull his trousers off.

Luckily, Zoro had recovered enough from the shock to pull everyone off the ship and straight to the old man’s house at the bottom of the lighthouse, including the two stow-aways.

 _‘Damn, looks like ‘e got used t’ it,’_ she lamented, even as she finally got the _fucking useless_ trousers off. _‘Gotta up my game now.’_

But first, deal with the horny teenager.

* * *

 _‘This crew is insane,’_ was all Vivi could think as she stared blankly out the window, unconsciously and almost against her own will looking in the direction of the aforementioned Pirates’ ship. Where the Captain and the First Mate were undoubtedly in the middle of doing something that really, truly, _should not be done outside the bedroom._ Or in front of others, as the pair were clearly prepared to do.

No, wait, _especially in front of others!_

Honestly, how can they be so, so… _shameless!_

She understood that Pirates were criminals, and criminals weren’t exactly the type to follow the law, but that is _no excuse_ for completely disregarding any and all types of spoken and unspoken laws about decency to start _having sex in the middle of a discussion! (Read: Interrogation)_

The rest didn’t even seem that surprised it was happening! Oh sure, they yelled a bit and demanded they _move_ instead of telling them to _stop,_ but after the Captain’s swearing dismissal, (Which, to be completely honest, Vivi had written down. It was a truly _spectacular_ insult.) they all left without much hassle. They didn’t even stop to argue against it, they just… _left!_

And that either meant that they were exceptionally good at following orders, or that they were used to it and therefore knew what to do.

Vivi didn’t know which one was better.

She sighed, turned away from the window, and came face-to-face with the crew's unfairly pretty navigator.

Said navigator smiled sympathetically and nodded. “Yeah,” she said, looking both amused and resigned by what she were about to say. “They’re always like that,” and then her eyes took on a greedy glint as she leaned forward to place her elbows on her knees and smile winningly. “Now, you wanted to sail with us to your home?”

Vivi took one look at that smile, gulped and started weeping for her wallet.

And, on second thought, her sanity.

It just seemed appropriate.

* * *

When they returned the next day, the First Mate was still asleep and the Captain was looking smug enough for a whole town. And covered in hickeys, but Mr. 9 did his best to ignore those. And the very obvious _bite marks_ decorating the First Mate’s shoulders and, for some reason, _thighs._

Just… why _thighs?_

“They’re soft,” the Captain deadpanned, making Mr. 9 squeak and whirl around to stare up at the towering woman in awed terror. “Easier for the marks t’ _stick_ if I put ‘em there,” then she locked eyes (Or rather, _eye.)_ with him and started glaring and Mr. 9 _hoped to God_ that the woman wasn’t about to do that, that _thing_ with her face again, because if she did the bounty hunter wasn’t sure he’d survive to shear _terror_ the expression sent through him.

“Suppose I’ve gotta introduce myself and all that, since the Captain’s decided ‘e likes you for whatever reason,” that brought his thoughts to a screeching halt, because _what?!_ The six foot six _demonically smiling_ redhead _wasn’t_ the Captain!? _How!?_ “The name’s Gwyneth Constantine. Nice t’ meet you or whatever the fuck,” oh, that explains it.

Clearly, nobody wanted the insane person to be the leader of the group. Although why they went with the straw hat wearing teenager instead Mr. 9 would never understand.

Judging by the glares directed at him by the rest of the crew however, it would probably be best if Mr. 9 didn’t voice his thoughts out loud.

_Ever._

**Alternate writing ways:**

Gwen don't be _throwning,_ she be _Yeeting!_

**_“BITCH I’LL FIGHT YOU-!”_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost 1 in the morning and I'm dead tired and I need to get up early tomorrow (Or later today) but fuck it, I got this fucking thing done! Finally!
> 
> I wanna sleep.
> 
> Also it's my birthday tomorrow (Or today)
> 
> I'll be nineteen.
> 
> I feel old.
> 
> I don't wanna be old!
> 
> See ya - TheGirlyDJ


End file.
